My Struggle is Beautiful

Beauty resides everywhere on our Mother Earth. Beauty comes in all different shapes and forms. Beauty is pain, beauty is success, beauty is even in the struggle. I realized growing up that everyone does not have the same lifestyle. Some grew up poor while others grew up rich. Some grew up to be happy while others grew up to become depressed. Beauty does not simply define how one looks. You can find beauty everywhere once you open your eyes.


I saw beauty in my struggle which later turned into success. I was never that happy child growing up. I came from a family who has a history of depression. I’ve attempted suicide and dealt with many low occurring thoughts and emotions. I found a way to maintain my peace and how to stay mentally strong. My life growing up as a kid to an adult was a struggle.
Not just any struggle a beautiful struggle
My beautiful struggle is starting out low and not so strong but then becoming who I am today.


My beautiful struggle is learning how to fight back and take back what’s meant to be yours and that’s life. I learned that the struggle may develop your life story but I also learned to never let it define who I am as a person. The struggle comes in pain, happiness, tears, grief, even beauty. That’s what makes the struggle so beautiful, it’s an inanimate object that helps you become the best version of you. The struggle helped me work harder, it motivated me in many different ways.


The struggle made me realize many things growing up. The struggle helped me realize that I can do anything I put my mind to.
The struggle helped me become the first in my family to go to college. The struggle motivated me to go to nursing school to help others with a struggle. The struggle helped me reach for my dreams to be ambitious and to set forth new goals.

The struggle is beautiful.
My struggle is beautiful.

#SuicidePreventionAwareness

World Suicide Prevention Day

World Suicide Prevention Day

“Last night I heard a voice say I’ve been getting in my own way. I think I’m falling off the deep end so I haven’t been sleeping. Last night I heard a voice in my head. Said it’s an emergency, said he had some work for me. Last night I saw the Devil sitting in my room. And we greeted with a smile. Said that he’d been there for a while.”


“This too won’t last, this too shall pass.
At least that’s what I say to all, that’s what I pray for. And I’m the only thing that’s standing in my way to all. But I gotta be with me, there’s no escape to all. I guess Depression just stepped in. And took over shit like it’s known to do. Guess it said, “Hey Charles, I’m going home with you. Turn your phone off, I need to be alone with you. I need to be in the zone with you. Because I’m the only thing you’re prone to, look, I own you. Been with you since a teen, but you starting to confuse me. Because it’s been so long and you still trying to lose me. Like, how could you show me such cruelty? When everybody turns their back on you, Charles? It’s you and me Charles, you don’t want me to see you, right? Then why you always come get me, how we reunite, huh? I know you feel for me deep in your heart. Doctors, meetings, pills couldn’t keep us apart. But now you wanna get rid of me. We roommates, I’m in your head, Charles, you live with me.”

You are not alone!

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: ‭
1 (800) 273-8255‬

You Matter ;

I’m Sick

I’m Sick and Tired of hiding these scars.
I’m sick and tired of dreaming about being hit by cars.
I’m sick and tired of lying.
I’m sick and tired of going to bed crying.
But most of all I’m just tired…Goodbye.

I’m tired of feeling numb.
I’m tired of being sick,
I’m tired of people calling me dumb,
Just to get a kick (in the gut).

Stop the Stigma, Break the Silence,
The answer will never be to scare them with violence.
Speak UP, Speak OUT,
Let’s show what MENTAL ILLNESS is all about.

We fight everyday but try our best to love life anyway,
We’re the artists, the outcasts and the misfits,
The dreamers and the movers,
The believers and the doers,
Not our faulty genetics or traumatizing pasts.
Let’s create a change that will last.

Stop the Stigma, Break the Silence,
End the Violence.

Hi, I’m Charles and
I’m Sick and Tired!

;

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Suicide Prevention


4 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.


They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.


I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

#SuicidePrevention

#mentalhealthawarenessmonth


Suicide : My Life Matters

3 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.


They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.


I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery

Suicide

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Sometimes, the most difficult and painful subjects need to be addressed head on. Failure to do so can result in loss of life occurring in such a way that the lives of others are altered forever. Yet, we still hesitate to bring up the subject, perhaps out of some understandable but misguided fear that the words alone might result in our greatest nightmare becoming a reality. Nonetheless, difficult as it is and truly frightening as it may be, there comes a time when a light needs to shine in those darkest corners where the fear often resides.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My Depression and Bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.


The despairing emotions that lays the groundwork for suicidal thoughts: Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Worthlessness. Hopelessness says, “Things will never get better. This will go on forever. Don’t even bother trying.” Helplessness is paralyzing: you see no control over your own life—things just keep happening to you that make you feel worse and worse. Worthlessness says, “And you’re a total failure of a human being. anyway. Your life is a waste.”

This unhappy trio shouts so loudly that any whispers of hope, efficacy, or worth get drowned out. Many individuals who commit suicide truly believe they are doing everyone around them a favor.


When I became clean and sober I wasn’t numbing these thoughts away. I wasn’t the “life” of the party anymore. I felt friends and family turned their backs on me.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 – A week later- I found out I was going to be a father. It’s funny how a week before I would’ve been a mourned Husband, Father, Son, Brother and Friend. I receive the help I need to continue to move forward. God wasn’t ready for me standing at the gates of heaven. Depression and Suicide can affect anyone. You Are Not Alone.

Thank You for those that Read this Post. It’s not about Me. It’s about being Aware. #Stigma

MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Have You Seen Him?

You’ve seen him
the way his hat hangs low
new, blue and straight brimmed
clean-cut, clean-shaven
and those eyes
large and bright
dark brown, framed perfectly
with a thick, dark fringe
his mouth
usually curved in a smile
or open with a laugh
his ears
shining with diamond earrings
or his arms
thin, dark and toned
but secretly strong
your eyes have wandered
over his average, muscular body
you’ve seen the way he walks
with confidence and purpose
fast, with long strides

You think you’ve memorized the image of him
but

Have you seen?
the scars that crisscross his wrists
once red and dripping
now thin white slivers
the dark circles under his eyes
heavy with lost sleep
the same eyes once full
of hope and wonder
now swollen
red from a long night
of silent tears
ribs sticking out
no fat to be tugged on
or what about
the curves of his cheeks
tear-stained and sucken
his long fingers
intertwining in and out of themselves
over and over again
when he needs to feel grounded
and the way he spins his Jesus piece chain
back and forth on his chest
when he can’t find the words
how his strong legs shake
when the Anxiety consumes him.

So are you sure you’ve memorized his image?

Look again
please, look again
because he is waiting
for one person
just one person
to notice
how much he’s struggling
I promise you
you have not seen
all there is to him
there is more
that lies underneath the surface
if only someone would see it

Have You Seen Him?

F*ck Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.

I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.

I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness

Dear Charles,

Dear Charles,

I know you’ve been through a lot in the amount of time you’ve been on this earth. I know you’re keeping secrets and I know you’re scared and confused. It’s okay for you to feel that way. It’s okay to have a bad day or even many bad days. You’re allowed. And please know that I’m not trying to scare you when I say that you’re going to have a lot of bad days.

Unfortunately, what they’ve diagnosed you with isn’t going to go away and it’s not just some phase. You have a disease…kind of like how diabetes is a disease. It’s just that yours is a disease of the mind, and it’s often highly unpredictable.

You have Bipolar Disorder II. I guess that explains a lot. Hmmmm.

You’ll have to deal with this for the rest of your life, and I need you not to panic. You have a lot of work to do. You’re about to attempt to win a battle inside your brain every single day for the rest of your life. Sometimes, all you’ll be able to do is sleep and sometimes you won’t sleep for days. You’ll see doctor after doctor and try what will seem like 1,000 medications, but in between all of that, there will be good times. Your life is not over…it’s just beginning.

There are millions of people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It seems like nearly every day a celebrity comes forward to admit that they have struggled with it, just to let us know we can still achieve greatness. You can and will get through this with grace and dignity, even if you stumble a bit at first trying to find your path.

The worst part about being diagnosed with a mental health condition is the ignorance and stigma you’ll face daily. There will be people who will walk out of your life or treat you like trash because you have a disease of the mind. A disease you didn’t ask for or contract doing something unsafe or illegal. It’s just how your brain is wired. But some people may never understand that or even believe it, no matter how hard you try to explain it.

Don’t let their ignorance tear you down. You have enough work to do just fighting the negative voices in your head. You will struggle, there is no question about that. Unfortunately, at times the pain will seem unbearable, and it will get to you no matter how steady you think you are. That is when it is the easiest to give up, but you can’t do that. Not now. Not ever.

Please, whatever you do, don’t hurt yourself in any way. You may feel alone at times, but you are never truly alone in this fight. There is always a light around the corner. There is always tomorrow.

Despite your struggles, there will be moments where you shine. And in time, when you’re more self-aware, your bad days will only amplify the good. You’ll learn to appreciate those moments even more because you fought to get there. I promise you: You can do this.

You won’t have all the answers all the time, but in time, you will learn what works for you and what doesn’t. It will be a struggle, but if you weren’t a fighter, you wouldn’t be here now. I’ll be here waiting.

Sincerely,

Charles 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽

#BipolarDisorder #Mentalillness

One Love

I struggle with Mental Health issues every day….every….single…day.

I will never understand how people are so uncomfortable addressing mental health issues but are comfortable sending get well wishes to someone with a broken bone or going through surgery. 🤦‍♂️

No, it’s not a phase.

No, it’s not an on/off switch I can flip in my head.

No, it’s not a passing feeling.

No I’m not doing it for attention.

No, it’s not laziness.

No, It’s not sadness.

No it’s not “something you get over”.

It’s a lifelong condition, and I’m at peace with that.

Yes, I’ve had therapy. Group and individual.

Yes, I’ve done exercise and ate healthy.

Yes, I do joke around and make others laugh and smile.

Yes, I’ve worn a mask, due to the stigma of mental health, and honestly…its a shame that I had to hide it.

Always be kind to the people around you. Not all traumas are visible. Just because you cant see their wounds doesnt give you a right to judge or belittle anyone. Love is a universal language, spread it as much as you can. So if you see someone’s having a rough day, share a smile, lend them your ear and encourage them to keep going.

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t”. — Joker