Mr. King

ADDICTION: Hey there old friend. Maybe friend isn’t the correct term, so allow me to rephrase. Hello old habit. You and me were best friends. We were the Bert and Ernie of our time and yes we flew over the cliff and plunged into the abyss. I was sick and I only needed you. No chicken soup could cure this sickness. I thought you were all the antibiotics I needed. You and me were married once. I woke up to you, thought about you all day long, and rushed you into my arms at night. But that was just the honeymoon phase.


My friend, my disease. I was in it not for the thrill of the chase but for the end of my pain. When I was with you I saw my dreams come true. Pigs were flying, so I thought. I didn’t have to believe I was dying. I didn’t have to care about Mom, Dad, and anyone that showed me love. I avoided all and many. I only cared about cutting the perfect line, rolling a perfect dime, and making sure I didn’t look high. If I said I didn’t miss you I would be lying but hey, you’ve made a liar out of me before.


It’s easy to try and ignore the hell you put me through, but I would walk a thousand miles of hells seventh floor before I slip back into that fantasy. That coma of things that have never been and could never not be. Me and the devil have danced nine times to many and I know all his sweet moves. The devil put me in a checkmate I never saw coming.


My friend, my affliction, Kryptonite doesn’t have a damn thing on you! You kept me down for years and years and years. Only down was up and up was blue and it was way to difficult to stop believing in you. Believing you were better than real love. I loved you so much. You were my sweetheart, my carebear, my snow white, my green sticky icky, my pill kill, my daily fix. But you can’t fix this! You can’t fix my past or make my future bright. I know I sound like I’ve suddenly seen the light but it was always there. I just chose to close my eyes.


My friend I think it’s best we stop playing this game. It’s time I call you by your true name. ADDICTION, you were never my friend only another bullet I’d bitten. ADDICTION you are my cancer, you may not be stage four but you’re still terminal. You were the Woody to my Buzz Lightyear. Only now if I am driven to the edge of insanity I’ll skid to a stop. I will watch as you fall over the edge, and I’ll smile as you dive into oblivion. A place I never ever ever ever again want to be.

ADDICTION

#GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

Have You Seen Him?

You’ve seen him
the way his hat hangs low
new, blue and straight brimmed
clean-cut, clean-shaven
and those eyes
large and bright
dark brown, framed perfectly
with a thick, dark fringe
his mouth
usually curved in a smile
or open with a laugh
his ears
shining with diamond earrings
or his arms
thin, dark and toned
but secretly strong
your eyes have wandered
over his average, muscular body
you’ve seen the way he walks
with confidence and purpose
fast, with long strides

You think you’ve memorized the image of him
but

Have you seen?
the scars that crisscross his wrists
once red and dripping
now thin white slivers
the dark circles under his eyes
heavy with lost sleep
the same eyes once full
of hope and wonder
now swollen
red from a long night
of silent tears
ribs sticking out
no fat to be tugged on
or what about
the curves of his cheeks
tear-stained and sucken
his long fingers
intertwining in and out of themselves
over and over again
when he needs to feel grounded
and the way he spins his Jesus piece chain
back and forth on his chest
when he can’t find the words
how his strong legs shake
when the Anxiety consumes him.

So are you sure you’ve memorized his image?

Look again
please, look again
because he is waiting
for one person
just one person
to notice
how much he’s struggling
I promise you
you have not seen
all there is to him
there is more
that lies underneath the surface
if only someone would see it

Have You Seen Him?

Flawed

I’m the most mentally flawed.
You’re not even built to withstand all I’ve endured. You know shit about the thoughts in my head. Or the strength I need daily just to get out of bed. Just to open my eyes..blank stare.

I know recovered alcoholics with many years of sobriety; pick up a drink because they thought they could; simple as that. They didn’t know about the brain chemistry aspect of their disease and did not apply vigilance into their day to day activities. They are only one drink away from a drunk and yet, they think they can return to social drinking after a prolonged abstinence. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. You either an alcoholic or not an alcoholic and only you know the answer. You can be diagnosed an alcoholic but until you come to terms with the reason why you drink, you will drink again.

Daily drinking depletes the brain’s supplies of dopamine, gamma aminobutyric acid, opioid peptides and serotonin systems. These are chemicals that are responsible for our feelings of pleasure and well-being. Dopamine is responsible for the feelings of reward and satisfaction. Why do we drink? To feel satisfied or rewarded for a hard day’s work. That’s fine if you are a social drinker but deadly thinking if you are an alcoholic with no control over your behavior, once you ingest the first drink. It’s not the 5th or 6th drink that causes the compulsion; it’s the first drink that does the damage. Don’t pick up the first drink and you won’t get plastered.

#ChemicallyImbalanced #FlawedSinceBirth

Love Affair

I’ve been strong for far too long. I just couldn’t keep the pace. I’ve been carrying on, driving down the same old streets. I’m losing faith, starting to lose face. Seems it’s the same from day-to-day, seems nothing ever changes. I’ve nothing left to lose, there’s nothing left to gain. I’m all out of things to say. The drugs only kill the pain for just so long, just one more line. I think, and I’ll be able to go on. I’ve run out of money, I’m down to my last shot of whiskey. I know if I keep this up this lifestyle will kill me. I think I NEED HELP.

Hold me close, don’t let me go. I find myself becoming my own worst enemy. Hold me tight, don’t let my mind take flight. It’s getting harder for me to breathe. I need a helping hand, someone to save me from myself, because I don’t think I can, and I don’t know how much more I can stand. I feel I’ve lost my mind, all concepts of time, I go to extremes just to unwind. I think I NEED HELP.

I’m sorry if my words have brought you down, it seems like you’re always around, for the good and the bad days, when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane. You get it all, the best of me and the worst of me, now that I’m down on my knees, crying please, I realize it’s you who whispers to me calmly, soothing away the misery. It’s you who makes me want to straighten out to get clean and sober. I know there’s a better way to ease my pain. I don’t need alcohol or drugs to make myself feel sane, I have you to brighten those darker days. I GOT HELP.

— Charles King — GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

#LoveInAllTheWrongPlaces

Struggle – Recovery – Journey

Let me start off by saying, if you’re reading this I love you. It is so easy for me to find the good in you and love you, especially when you may be having trouble loving yourself. When you’re having a hard time standing up on your own, I’ll find a way to help and lift you up. When my phone rings at any point of the day or through the night, I will answer it and listen to you. I may not have the words to make things better but I will continue to do the best I can to help you get you through whatever you’re dealing with. God gave me a gift of empathy, and I use it the best I can to help others. Thats how I cope, thats the only way that I know that I will be alright.

But, I can’t save you. I remember my last words and conversations to countless amounts of friends that have passed on. Great memories of times that we’ve shared. I can’t look back and say “what if…” The truth is life goes on. Tonight, somebody else may die. I can’t control that, no one can. I will continue to open my arms and stand on the firing line of recovery, with my friends that choose to walk this path with me. I will continue to get to know you, learn about the struggles you’ve overcome and the person you want to be. I will continue to suit up and show up for God, and for myself….because the truth is, we are fighting the same battle. I need you just as much as you need me. Give yourself a chance. Ask for help. WE don’t need to do this alone. 🙏🏽❤️

Family Ties

One thing I know about Pain is that it doesnt last forever. Another thing is that when you get over the pain, you learn from it. It makes you stronger. Always remember that. Take your best shot, it’s not going to hurt. I’m numb to the pain but I’m no longer on the percs.

My Mom still to this day, though she clean, I wish my momma never abused drugs. But the hurt is making me better with this gift of sobriety. My Dad is so naive to knowing he’s an addict. It’s just a constant reminder that I’m an addict and not afraid to admit it. My Sister was so unsuspecting how could an older sibling let me slip through the cracks? It’s ok sis it’s not your fault. My pain made us stronger. My smile no longer hides the demons.

Back before all the alcohol, drugs and addictions Charles reminded you of light trapped in light. He reminded you of the sun just night after night. He reminded you of life, how to smile when you’re down. How he grew up, his who, what, why’s, when’s, and how’s reminded you of happiness. He reminded you to be you and you haven’t had to remind him in a while. He reminded you of that one thing you could never get back…Time.

#GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

Voices

Voices: either we hear them, use them, or shut them out.

What the world isn’t ready for is a real honest person. I’m not afraid to speak my mind for everyone to hear my voice. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and for certain not scared to show it. Real Recognizes Real.

_____

We walk around mute and blind. We turn our backs on one another. We kick a person when they are down. Why? The pain and suffering is within yourself first then in turn we lash that out towards others. If we showed and spoke the truth would it hurt? Compassion we lack and get absorbed into the Cruelty.

_____

When I needed those voices during my darkness times all I got in return were the voices in my head telling me I was a failure. I had to climb out the eerie gates of insanity with one just one voice in my head…

#Voices

F*ck Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.

I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.

I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness

Dear Charles,

Dear Charles,

I know you’ve been through a lot in the amount of time you’ve been on this earth. I know you’re keeping secrets and I know you’re scared and confused. It’s okay for you to feel that way. It’s okay to have a bad day or even many bad days. You’re allowed. And please know that I’m not trying to scare you when I say that you’re going to have a lot of bad days.

Unfortunately, what they’ve diagnosed you with isn’t going to go away and it’s not just some phase. You have a disease…kind of like how diabetes is a disease. It’s just that yours is a disease of the mind, and it’s often highly unpredictable.

You have Bipolar Disorder II. I guess that explains a lot. Hmmmm.

You’ll have to deal with this for the rest of your life, and I need you not to panic. You have a lot of work to do. You’re about to attempt to win a battle inside your brain every single day for the rest of your life. Sometimes, all you’ll be able to do is sleep and sometimes you won’t sleep for days. You’ll see doctor after doctor and try what will seem like 1,000 medications, but in between all of that, there will be good times. Your life is not over…it’s just beginning.

There are millions of people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It seems like nearly every day a celebrity comes forward to admit that they have struggled with it, just to let us know we can still achieve greatness. You can and will get through this with grace and dignity, even if you stumble a bit at first trying to find your path.

The worst part about being diagnosed with a mental health condition is the ignorance and stigma you’ll face daily. There will be people who will walk out of your life or treat you like trash because you have a disease of the mind. A disease you didn’t ask for or contract doing something unsafe or illegal. It’s just how your brain is wired. But some people may never understand that or even believe it, no matter how hard you try to explain it.

Don’t let their ignorance tear you down. You have enough work to do just fighting the negative voices in your head. You will struggle, there is no question about that. Unfortunately, at times the pain will seem unbearable, and it will get to you no matter how steady you think you are. That is when it is the easiest to give up, but you can’t do that. Not now. Not ever.

Please, whatever you do, don’t hurt yourself in any way. You may feel alone at times, but you are never truly alone in this fight. There is always a light around the corner. There is always tomorrow.

Despite your struggles, there will be moments where you shine. And in time, when you’re more self-aware, your bad days will only amplify the good. You’ll learn to appreciate those moments even more because you fought to get there. I promise you: You can do this.

You won’t have all the answers all the time, but in time, you will learn what works for you and what doesn’t. It will be a struggle, but if you weren’t a fighter, you wouldn’t be here now. I’ll be here waiting.

Sincerely,

Charles 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽

#BipolarDisorder #Mentalillness

One Love

I struggle with Mental Health issues every day….every….single…day.

I will never understand how people are so uncomfortable addressing mental health issues but are comfortable sending get well wishes to someone with a broken bone or going through surgery. 🤦‍♂️

No, it’s not a phase.

No, it’s not an on/off switch I can flip in my head.

No, it’s not a passing feeling.

No I’m not doing it for attention.

No, it’s not laziness.

No, It’s not sadness.

No it’s not “something you get over”.

It’s a lifelong condition, and I’m at peace with that.

Yes, I’ve had therapy. Group and individual.

Yes, I’ve done exercise and ate healthy.

Yes, I do joke around and make others laugh and smile.

Yes, I’ve worn a mask, due to the stigma of mental health, and honestly…its a shame that I had to hide it.

Always be kind to the people around you. Not all traumas are visible. Just because you cant see their wounds doesnt give you a right to judge or belittle anyone. Love is a universal language, spread it as much as you can. So if you see someone’s having a rough day, share a smile, lend them your ear and encourage them to keep going.

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t”. — Joker