This is Me…Bipolar

Shit it’s hard being Bipolar but I wasn’t given a choice. I don’t wish or choose to be depressed today. My anxiety is through the roof and I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. Oh wait, does that add more jitters? I compare myself with my former self, not with others. I am a hard act to follow.

My mind is so deep that others would drown in. Don’t drown in my sorrow but acknowledge the cry for help. Who Am I? Why Me? Which of the Me’s is Me? I hate taking these medication pills to make me “feel”. I hate to feel so I take these medication pills. I guess that’s what they mean by feeling numb.

The rollercoaster phases of my day are intangible. You don’t know me. Honestly, I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t even really know myself half the time. It’s Charles hidden behind Charles. I’m the shadow chasing myself. But I don’t know how you do it?

#LifeOnLifesTerms #Bipolar

Love Affair

I’ve been strong for far too long. I just couldn’t keep the pace. I’ve been carrying on, driving down the same old streets. I’m losing faith, starting to lose face. Seems it’s the same from day-to-day, seems nothing ever changes. I’ve nothing left to lose, there’s nothing left to gain. I’m all out of things to say. The drugs only kill the pain for just so long, just one more line. I think, and I’ll be able to go on. I’ve run out of money, I’m down to my last shot of whiskey. I know if I keep this up this lifestyle will kill me. I think I NEED HELP.

Hold me close, don’t let me go. I find myself becoming my own worst enemy. Hold me tight, don’t let my mind take flight. It’s getting harder for me to breathe. I need a helping hand, someone to save me from myself, because I don’t think I can, and I don’t know how much more I can stand. I feel I’ve lost my mind, all concepts of time, I go to extremes just to unwind. I think I NEED HELP.

I’m sorry if my words have brought you down, it seems like you’re always around, for the good and the bad days, when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane. You get it all, the best of me and the worst of me, now that I’m down on my knees, crying please, I realize it’s you who whispers to me calmly, soothing away the misery. It’s you who makes me want to straighten out to get clean and sober. I know there’s a better way to ease my pain. I don’t need alcohol or drugs to make myself feel sane, I have you to brighten those darker days. I GOT HELP.

— Charles King — GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

#LoveInAllTheWrongPlaces

Struggle – Recovery – Journey

Let me start off by saying, if you’re reading this I love you. It is so easy for me to find the good in you and love you, especially when you may be having trouble loving yourself. When you’re having a hard time standing up on your own, I’ll find a way to help and lift you up. When my phone rings at any point of the day or through the night, I will answer it and listen to you. I may not have the words to make things better but I will continue to do the best I can to help you get you through whatever you’re dealing with. God gave me a gift of empathy, and I use it the best I can to help others. Thats how I cope, thats the only way that I know that I will be alright.

But, I can’t save you. I remember my last words and conversations to countless amounts of friends that have passed on. Great memories of times that we’ve shared. I can’t look back and say “what if…” The truth is life goes on. Tonight, somebody else may die. I can’t control that, no one can. I will continue to open my arms and stand on the firing line of recovery, with my friends that choose to walk this path with me. I will continue to get to know you, learn about the struggles you’ve overcome and the person you want to be. I will continue to suit up and show up for God, and for myself….because the truth is, we are fighting the same battle. I need you just as much as you need me. Give yourself a chance. Ask for help. WE don’t need to do this alone. 🙏🏽❤️

Family Ties

One thing I know about Pain is that it doesnt last forever. Another thing is that when you get over the pain, you learn from it. It makes you stronger. Always remember that. Take your best shot, it’s not going to hurt. I’m numb to the pain but I’m no longer on the percs.

My Mom still to this day, though she clean, I wish my momma never abused drugs. But the hurt is making me better with this gift of sobriety. My Dad is so naive to knowing he’s an addict. It’s just a constant reminder that I’m an addict and not afraid to admit it. My Sister was so unsuspecting how could an older sibling let me slip through the cracks? It’s ok sis it’s not your fault. My pain made us stronger. My smile no longer hides the demons.

Back before all the alcohol, drugs and addictions Charles reminded you of light trapped in light. He reminded you of the sun just night after night. He reminded you of life, how to smile when you’re down. How he grew up, his who, what, why’s, when’s, and how’s reminded you of happiness. He reminded you to be you and you haven’t had to remind him in a while. He reminded you of that one thing you could never get back…Time.

#GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

Voices

Voices: either we hear them, use them, or shut them out.

What the world isn’t ready for is a real honest person. I’m not afraid to speak my mind for everyone to hear my voice. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and for certain not scared to show it. Real Recognizes Real.

_____

We walk around mute and blind. We turn our backs on one another. We kick a person when they are down. Why? The pain and suffering is within yourself first then in turn we lash that out towards others. If we showed and spoke the truth would it hurt? Compassion we lack and get absorbed into the Cruelty.

_____

When I needed those voices during my darkness times all I got in return were the voices in my head telling me I was a failure. I had to climb out the eerie gates of insanity with one just one voice in my head…

#Voices

F*ck Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.

I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.

I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness

Dear Charles,

Dear Charles,

I know you’ve been through a lot in the amount of time you’ve been on this earth. I know you’re keeping secrets and I know you’re scared and confused. It’s okay for you to feel that way. It’s okay to have a bad day or even many bad days. You’re allowed. And please know that I’m not trying to scare you when I say that you’re going to have a lot of bad days.

Unfortunately, what they’ve diagnosed you with isn’t going to go away and it’s not just some phase. You have a disease…kind of like how diabetes is a disease. It’s just that yours is a disease of the mind, and it’s often highly unpredictable.

You have Bipolar Disorder II. I guess that explains a lot. Hmmmm.

You’ll have to deal with this for the rest of your life, and I need you not to panic. You have a lot of work to do. You’re about to attempt to win a battle inside your brain every single day for the rest of your life. Sometimes, all you’ll be able to do is sleep and sometimes you won’t sleep for days. You’ll see doctor after doctor and try what will seem like 1,000 medications, but in between all of that, there will be good times. Your life is not over…it’s just beginning.

There are millions of people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It seems like nearly every day a celebrity comes forward to admit that they have struggled with it, just to let us know we can still achieve greatness. You can and will get through this with grace and dignity, even if you stumble a bit at first trying to find your path.

The worst part about being diagnosed with a mental health condition is the ignorance and stigma you’ll face daily. There will be people who will walk out of your life or treat you like trash because you have a disease of the mind. A disease you didn’t ask for or contract doing something unsafe or illegal. It’s just how your brain is wired. But some people may never understand that or even believe it, no matter how hard you try to explain it.

Don’t let their ignorance tear you down. You have enough work to do just fighting the negative voices in your head. You will struggle, there is no question about that. Unfortunately, at times the pain will seem unbearable, and it will get to you no matter how steady you think you are. That is when it is the easiest to give up, but you can’t do that. Not now. Not ever.

Please, whatever you do, don’t hurt yourself in any way. You may feel alone at times, but you are never truly alone in this fight. There is always a light around the corner. There is always tomorrow.

Despite your struggles, there will be moments where you shine. And in time, when you’re more self-aware, your bad days will only amplify the good. You’ll learn to appreciate those moments even more because you fought to get there. I promise you: You can do this.

You won’t have all the answers all the time, but in time, you will learn what works for you and what doesn’t. It will be a struggle, but if you weren’t a fighter, you wouldn’t be here now. I’ll be here waiting.

Sincerely,

Charles 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽

#BipolarDisorder #Mentalillness