Fast Forward Press Rewind

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I have a Confession, I’m staring at the pain in the mirror and it’s getting harder to see. Question hurts more than the fact that it resembles me. Goodbye, praying to God 🙏 please remove my evil sins. Why do I sit across from that table with my demons? More I sniffed coke, the more I drink. More I drink, the more I sniffed coke. Amends are an after thought, I no longer party. Friends must think less of me. Heard life is a bitch, so I went to bed with her. Blurred vision had no limits when to stop. Sight I’m losing looking down on the paper full of tears. I wrote this shit backwards a month ago because no one understands me, not even my peers.

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<<<<– Backwards Read)

Hello Depression!

Let’s skip the small talk and get right to the topic at hand. Mental Health remains a touchy subject stigmatized as a weakness and not as a disease.
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I really know depression. I know coming outside when the sun is dark. I know sleeping in the bathtub when there’s no water running and just looking at the ceiling thinking. My mind is like a Rubik’s cube. I’m telling myself that it’s worse than what it really is. I’m telling myself the whole time, Hey Charles, you can get out of this! Charles, you know better. You know how to snap out of this. You’ve been through too much. Work, school, home doesn’t matter where I go depression is with you.
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For me, sometimes depression is a season like it’s rainy and cold. But it’s just me being honest. I don’t feel like everybody is honest. That’s the vulnerability I choose to have. I embrace it. Depression tells me I suck but I reply back I’m not here because I fell down, I’m here because I got up. I don’t want any attention but I write because it’s therapeutic. Picture me fighting with myself or even worse when I was drinking. It hurts when I’m thinking because it’s me versus my personal demons. I yell be quiet to the voices screaming in my mind? I Am who I Am.

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People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in all black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Depression is that hidden treasure chest waiting to be found and taken over with happiness.

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The Worst part of Depression is People who don’t have It they just don’t get It. When I was in my deep dark place it was never talked about. I guess my depression just stepped in and took over shit like it’s known to do. Guess it said, Hey Charles, I’m going home with you. Turn your cellphone off, I need to be alone with you. You been with me since a teen, but you started to confuse me because it’s been so long and you are still trying to lose me. Used to it, me and depression been a tandem for years. How could you show me such hurt when everybody turns their back on me? It’s just you and me with the monsters in my head, lets reunite.

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Doctors, meetings, pills couldn’t keep us apart

But now you got a cure and you wanna get rid of me. We are roommates, I’m in your head, Charles, you live with me. Tame me all you want, I’m at rest, maybe hibernating. But I’m forever there when you least expect. Don’t let me Go, Hold on for the ride. I bet that’s what you want DEPRESSION.

I’m Bipolar Too

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I’m Bipolar

I can feel my mood dropping

It’s out of my control

I need to grab a handle either of a bottle

Or of my soul

I thought I left my past in the past essentially

Brain races so much I can’t erase memories

Laying in bed for days they won’t go away

If I stay there all day I know I’ll be okay

I’m trapped in these 4×4 walls

Voices in my head saying don’t pick up calls

Everything will be alright

Because no matter what

I’m a menace to my own insanity

Close eyes lock the doors throw away the key

I stand alone fighting this stigma’s exposure

Am I the only one who is Bipolar?

(Now read bottom up)

Open Letter 2 my Sister

(An Open Letter)

Dear Sister:

From childhood to adulthood we teased and irritated each other but at the end of the day we can’t live without each other. I’ve made you cry, you’ve made me cry. Those tears were love, joy, pain and sympathy. We know each other’s hearts. We know what makes us tick. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets.

You are my only sibling, the one that I look up to for advice, support and vent to. You didn’t get the addiction gene from our parents and I don’t fault you for that. I try to shed light to the matter and not make it a private family matter. We all die one day so there’s no need to go to our graves with skeletons in our closet. You don’t understand my alcoholism, drug addiction and mental illness. But that’s ok. You never judge and willing to learn about me with your 21 questions.

We are cut from the same cloth but chose different paths in life. You never saw my destruction coming because I hid it so well. You laughed and thought that’s Charles being Charles. In reality I was to scared to reach out to you. I’m an alcoholic who hated himself when he didn’t drink. Not only did I lose my sister but I lost a friend that really knows me. We don’t say I love you to one another but our actions speak the love not spoken. I love you Big Sis.

Sincerely,

Your Brother

Charles

Open Letter to Me

(An Open Letter)

Dear Self:

It’s me, you.

I have been writing to other people who are significant in my life, but I realized I have never ever written one to myself.

How have you been? You and I have been on quite a journey the past few years. We have hugged our knees praying, cried for hours till the tears dried, the throat hurt and the nose blocked, yet we continued crying. We have sat there on the shower floor, just in daze at that stormy situation that surrounded us. We have drank so much alcohol to numb that pain. That heart wrenching pain is real.

You and I, we also pushed ourselves to use different drugs and try different alcoholic beverages. I have seen you have everything you probably wanted. I have also seen you losing it all, suddenly and perhaps in a cruel way. Life is not a straight line, there are ups and downs. It is a series of twists and turns.

I am sorry for all those times where I wanted to tear you apart. I am sorry for all the times I let you hang your head down low, for all the times I let you win, and beat myself up because of those insecurities. I was not strong enough to encourage, support and appreciate you.

I know life has been tough for you the past few years but you have done quite a good job to stay alive. I have seen you plummet to the state of despair and depress. Thank you for not giving up. You know, I am extremely proud that you managed to survive through that suicide.

Have you noticed lately how much you have changed? I did. You have improved much more. You are now much confident to speak up on things on your mind and rise up to challenges. You are now able to sleep soundly without drugs or alcohol. You have a gorgeous baby, who is thriving. She will benefit from all these lessons you are learning, so although it is a tremendous strain, remember she will learn from your strength to get through this.

As I am writing this letter, you have not fully figured out how your life will be yet. Let’s make a pact. Come back to re-read this letter 5 years later, and update me how you are doing. I truly hope that by that time, you have found your happiness and that you have followed a path that you are proud of.

Remember, behind those dark clouds, the sun is still shining.

You have got through this far. Continue to be strong. Do not stop loving. Do not stop caring.

You are always loved, by me. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am the tunnel.

Above all else, be true to yourself.

Hugs & Kisses

Love you,

Me

Suppression of My Darkness

The suppression of my darkness and my shadow self-came to a head almost 3 years ago as I found myself toeing the line between life and death as I battled Alcoholism and Drug Addiction. For me, my addictions became the band-aids for the deep bleeding wounds I had been suppressing and denying my whole life.

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I was playing with fire. The fire of Alcoholism and Drug Addiction. I was miserable, hopeless, discontent, angry, and bitter. And I really just wanted to be numb because I saw no way out of the hole I was living in. I was living on the outskirts of society, and I was closer to death than I was to being alive. My mental illness was mixed with my addictions that I was a walking torch.

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I was in agony and I couldn’t admit it. See, I had spent most of my life in pain that I couldn’t talk about, and this was the culmination of years of stuffing my feelings, ignoring my emotions, and blocking the flow of energy within me. I was suffering from a massive disconnect from my soul which resulted in my utter inability to connect with those around me.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Stop The Stigma

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Sometimes, the most difficult and painful subjects need to be addressed head on. Failure to do so can result in loss of life occurring in such a way that the lives of others are altered forever. Yet, we still hesitate to bring up the subject, perhaps out of some understandable but misguided fear that the words alone might result in our greatest nightmare becoming a reality. Nonetheless, difficult as it is and truly frightening as it may be, there comes a time when a light needs to shine in those darkest corners where the fear often resides.

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Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bi-polar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

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The despairing emotions that lays the groundwork for suicidal thoughts: Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Worthlessness. Hopelessness says, “Things will never get better. This will go on forever. Don’t even bother trying.” Helplessness is paralyzing: you see no control over your own life—things just keep happening to you that make you feel worse and worse. Worthlessness says, “And you’re a total failure of a human being. anyway. Your life is a waste.”

This unhappy trio shouts so loudly that any whispers of hope, efficacy, or worth get drowned out. Many individuals who commit suicide truly believe they are doing everyone around them a favor.

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When I became clean and sober I wasn’t numbing these thoughts away. I wasn’t the “life” of the party anymore. I felt friends and family turned their backs on me.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 I found out I was going to be a father. It’s funny how a week before I would’ve been a mourned Husband, Father, Son, Brother and Friend. I receive the help I need to continue to move forward. God wasn’t ready for me standing at the gates of heaven. Depression and Suicide can affect anyone. You Are Not Alone.

Thank You for those that Read this Post. It’s not about Me. It’s about being Aware. #Stigma

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth