One Love

I struggle with Mental Health issues every day….every….single…day.

I will never understand how people are so uncomfortable addressing mental health issues but are comfortable sending get well wishes to someone with a broken bone or going through surgery. 🤦‍♂️

No, it’s not a phase.

No, it’s not an on/off switch I can flip in my head.

No, it’s not a passing feeling.

No I’m not doing it for attention.

No, it’s not laziness.

No, It’s not sadness.

No it’s not “something you get over”.

It’s a lifelong condition, and I’m at peace with that.

Yes, I’ve had therapy. Group and individual.

Yes, I’ve done exercise and ate healthy.

Yes, I do joke around and make others laugh and smile.

Yes, I’ve worn a mask, due to the stigma of mental health, and honestly…its a shame that I had to hide it.

Always be kind to the people around you. Not all traumas are visible. Just because you cant see their wounds doesnt give you a right to judge or belittle anyone. Love is a universal language, spread it as much as you can. So if you see someone’s having a rough day, share a smile, lend them your ear and encourage them to keep going.

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t”. — Joker

Never Give Up

Hello,

I suffer from Mental Illness:

I stand in the shower head against the tile wondering is my life worth living. The water turns from hot to ice cold down the drain spinning. Why Me? Why Me? Why Me? I want to be “normal”. I want thoughts of better days but that’s impossible when my mind is a dead end maze. I’m good one minute, psycho the next. Ohh Hello BIPOLAR you came out to play. Is this just a brief stop or you deciding to stay. Come along the ride with DEPRESSION and pick up ANXIETY while you are at it. A MANIC trio on a road of disaster. Charles take these HAPPY pills it will swallow the pain and agony but in reality I’m swallowed whole grasping for air. I see a little light…HOPE.

I am not ashamed to say it. It’s the Stigma that shames us all. Just thankful to shed some light upon my darkest hours. We scroll up and down Facebook overlooking the underlying issues of one in danger or seeking help.

There’s only One that Sees and Hears the Pain We Hide From Others. A tear is made of 1% water and 99% feelings. Sometimes sad memories sneak out my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I hide behind my smile and laughter that it breaks my heart and I’m falling apart. Behind my brown eyes are so many hidden tears and behind my body is a soul trying to fight.

~~ The Struggle is Real but The Fight is Stronger ~~

– Charles Louis King

Charles King’s Mural

Feel free to check out my mural above at Boston Logan International Airport until December 2020. Departures….Walkway tunnel between Gates B and C. Left of B38 Spirit Airlines.

___________

I’m Bipolar

I can feel my mood dropping

It’s out of my control

I need to grab a handle either of a bottle

Or of my soul

I thought I left my past in the past essentially

Brain races so much I can’t erase memories

Laying in bed for days they won’t go away

If I stay there all day I know I’ll be okay

I’m trapped in these 4×4 walls

Voices in my head saying don’t pick up calls

Everything will be alright

Because no matter what

I’m a menace to my own insanity

Close eyes lock the doors throw away the key

I stand alone fighting this stigma’s exposure

Am I the only one who is Bipolar?

(Now read bottom up)

#MentalHealth #DeconstructingStigma #bipolar #depression #anxiety #YouAreNotAlone

DaDa Look into my Eyes

DADA Look into my eyes and tell me what it is you see (Could you tell me what I see?)

I wish I knew what you saw or how u felt? Are things black and white? Am I just a tall figure that walks by you and you just smile saying Da Da? Do you know when I’m sad because I’m to depressed to play with you and your toys? Does your crying trigger me of repressed childhood memories? How come you learn ABCs but I attend AA, NA and GA meetings.

I smile, you smile. I laugh, you laugh. I cry, you smile. You cry, I worry. No spoken words between us yet we bond like no other. You’re forever Daddy’s little girl. My thoughts and my words are probably complete opposite of what you see and feel. My mind isn’t right and it’s hard to sleep I try to hide the pain, but my scars run deep. You’re just a baby who likes her Ellie the Elephant.

What DaDa really sees/feels….

I didn’t want to Wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. But instead I woke up into a nightmare.

Being Bipolar I share two addresses. Which one do I walk into daily? 1 Happy Road or 2 Depressing Drive. I want to play Hide n’ Seek with my daughter but just hide forever. The sad and lonely thoughts push me further away from family and friends. Push me back.

Tired of everyone telling me it will be OK when Life just throws me a KO. I wasn’t put here to be Depressed. I was created to be Victorious. H.O.P.E. – Hold On, Pain Ends. I’m Fine: Depressed but Not Defeated. Life: Today I’ll Look back and see all along I was blooming.

#NoWorriesNoCry.

Dear Self,

(An Open Letter)

Dear Self:

It’s me, You.

How have you been? You and I have been on quite a journey the past few years. We have hugged our knees praying, cried for hours till the tears dried, the throat hurt and the nose blocked, yet we continued crying. We have sat there on the shower floor, just in daze at that stormy situation that surrounded us. We have drank so much alcohol to numb that pain. That heart wrenching pain is real.

You and I, we also pushed ourselves to use different drugs and try different alcoholic beverages. I have seen you have everything you probably wanted. I have also seen you losing it all, suddenly and perhaps in a cruel way. Life is not a straight line, there are ups and downs. It is a series of twists and turns.

I am sorry for all those times where I wanted to tear you apart. I am sorry for all the times I let you hang your head down low, for all the times I let you win, and beat myself up because of those insecurities. I was not strong enough to encourage, support and appreciate you.

I know life has been tough for you the past few years but you have done quite a good job to stay alive. I have seen you plummet to the state of despair and depress. Thank you for not giving up. You know, I am extremely proud that you managed to survive through that suicide attempt. Depression and Mental illness is a struggle.

Have you noticed lately how much you have changed? I did. You have improved much more. You are now much confident to speak up on things on your mind and rise up to challenges. You are now able to sleep soundly without drugs or alcohol. You have a gorgeous daughter, who is thriving. She will benefit from all these lessons you are learning, so although it is a tremendous strain, remember she will learn from your strength to get through this.

As I am writing this letter, you have not fully figured out how your life will be yet. Let’s make a pact. Come back to re-read this letter 5 years later, and update me how you are doing. I truly hope that by that time, you have found your happiness and that you have followed a path that you are proud of. Remember, behind those dark clouds, the sun is still shining.

You have got through this far. Continue to be strong. Do not stop loving. Do not stop caring. You are always loved, by me. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am the tunnel.

Above all else, be true to Yourself.

Hugs & Kisses

Love you,

Me

The Real Me…

I’m constantly accomplishing all of my new accomplishments. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I haven’t really accomplished shit. Honestly it’s stressful. I got skeletons in my closet. I won’t say I’m trying to clean it up, maybe just sort it out. I’m sharing with you things that I thought about. Can’t stop dreaming about.

Hey Charles, how do I get these demons out? Voices in my head, I need to scream it out. Something has to give. You don’t get rid of your demons, you learn to live with them.

I lost many friends in as many weeks; From the same place I call home. My paranoia got me feeling obnoxious. But let me paint a different picture: I didn’t lose friends, I gained angels. So before bed I’m saying thank you. Be very careful about what you think. Your thoughts run your life. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies. Don’t ever say things that are not true. Who takes a bullet for you is not as important as the one who takes the bullet out of you. Never give up on me!

#KeepingItReal #ImMe

I’m Alive…

I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

______

They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. On September 19, 2017 my facebook post was subliminally a cry for help. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.

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I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. The following week on September 26, 2017 my wife approached me and said she was Pregnant. WOW. They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.

______

Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bi-polar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

#DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery