I’m Alive…

I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

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They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. On September 19, 2017 my facebook post was subliminally a cry for help. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.

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I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. The following week on September 26, 2017 my wife approached me and said she was Pregnant. WOW. They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.

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Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bi-polar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

#DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery

L I F E

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SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Sometimes, the most difficult and painful subjects need to be addressed head on. Failure to do so can result in loss of life occurring in such a way that the lives of others are altered forever. Yet, we still hesitate to bring up the subject, perhaps out of some understandable but misguided fear that the words alone might result in our greatest nightmare becoming a reality. Nonetheless, difficult as it is and truly frightening as it may be, there comes a time when a light needs to shine in those darkest corners where the fear often resides.

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Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bi-polar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

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The despairing emotions that lays the groundwork for suicidal thoughts: Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Worthlessness. Hopelessness says, “Things will never get better. This will go on forever. Don’t even bother trying.” Helplessness is paralyzing: you see no control over your own life—things just keep happening to you that make you feel worse and worse. Worthlessness says, “And you’re a total failure of a human being. anyway. Your life is a waste.”

This unhappy trio shouts so loudly that any whispers of hope, efficacy, or worth get drowned out. Many individuals who commit suicide truly believe they are doing everyone around them a favor.

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When I became clean and sober I wasn’t numbing these thoughts away. I wasn’t the “life” of the party anymore. I felt friends and family turned their backs on me.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 I found out I was going to be a father. It’s funny how a week before I would’ve been a mourned Husband, Father, Son, Brother and Friend. I receive the help I need to continue to move forward. God wasn’t ready for me standing at the gates of heaven. Depression and Suicide can affect anyone. You Are Not Alone.

Thank You for those that Read this Post. It’s not about Me. It’s about being Aware.

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Open Letter 2 my Daughter

(An Open Letter)

Dear Daughter:

It’s difficult being me. But we are one in the same. You can’t talk right now but your face says it all. You melt my heart and make daddy’s mental state disappear. Don’t get discouraged. My beloved pain and mental illness is part of life.

I promise you that I will turn every tear you’ve ever cried into Joy. I will use our pain for a divine purpose. Don’t ever try to hide your hurts from me and I will never hide mine to you. We are ONE. Your love is my love. Your pain is my pain. I’m the only one who can handle your heart ❤️ and restore you to health again.

As you grow older you will encounter pain, rejection and anger. I too, have felt but we will get through every trial and tribulation together. Hold my hand for I will ALWAYS lead you back to my place of peace and joy after the storm. The sun forever shines bright on you and our hearts will heal together.

My 🌹ose, my princess, when you go through deep rivers of difficultly, you will not drown because I’m there holding your head above water.

I’m your Dada, your King, and your Healer.

I Love You,

xoxo

Dada

Writing is My Outlet

Writing is an outlet, it keeps me healthy, it gives me power, but if I had to choose between illness and outlet…I wish I had nothing to write about! I’m just kidding, I know I’d still write about other things. My Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me a better writer, I just write about it because it’s a part of my life that I need to process. Being a writer is part of my identity, having Bipolar is not.

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Here’s the thing, the reality is that my Bipolar is not going away. I’m completely aware that it’s a chronic illness that I’ll always have to live with and manage. It’s a perpetual up and down, side to side, too high or too low. It’s all about pushing past the rough times and dedicating my life to the pursuit of balance. I’ve had to learn how to take care of myself which means understanding my illness, finding the language to talk about it, and figuring out how to achieve my goals despite my shitty brain chemistry.

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That’s been a significant part of my journey and I’ll always have these challenges. I cope by doing everything in my power to de-glamorize my illness, to take it out of the spotlight, to value myself by focusing on my accomplishments not as someone with Bipolar but as the kick ass dude that I am. Mental Illness takes a back seat.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Living with ADHD in Adulthood

Living with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is like being locked in room with 100 televisions and 100 radios all playing. None of them have power buttons so you can turn them off and the door is locked from the outside. I think about things before breakfast than most people think all day.

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Another medication notched under my belt. The dopamine is released at a fast rate because don’t forget I’m a recovering drug addict. This tiny powerful pill helps me focus at school and work. Fear of taking it because just 3 years ago I was abusing it for a different kind of high.

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I have extreme levels of impulsivity, distractibility and forgetfulness. I always have grand plans and enthusiastically start tasks, but I find it hard to finish them. I’m a risk taker and will do anything thrown my way without thought. You could be speaking directly at me and I’m thinking did I turn the lights off before I left the house. Just another obstacle we must overcome.

Ohhhh Look a Butterfly.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Behind The Laughter

Hi, I’m Charles.

I don’t thank my bipolar.

For anything.

Not a single thing.

I acknowledge my illness, I understand it, I make my peace, but I don’t give my bipolar any credit. That belongs to me.

With or without it I’m fabulous.

And my Mental illness can go fuck itself.

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If I could take a pill that would cure me, I would snatch it right out of your hand and swallow it dry. Because my bipolar disorder doesn’t make me special, it makes my life complicated. My bipolar disorder doesn’t make me brave. It’s not the source of my strength. It lingers under the surface of my consciousness, wheedling into my brain and poisoning how I feel about myself and how I experience the world.

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I’m special, brave, strong, and talented without my illness. Bipolar disorder isn’t a trial that I need to tackle in order to show the world I’m tough enough. I don’t need an illness to exaggerate my awesomeness. With an illness that mimics identity it can be hard to tell where bipolar ends and I begin. The boundaries are never that distinct. But my bipolar disorder isn’t a badge. It’s a label, a diagnosis, a hefty, troublesome detail. My bipolar doesn’t get to take a bow.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

My Anxieties have Anxieties

ANXIETY was when I cared too much about everything. There’s just so much going on in my mind, sometimes I can’t keep up with what’s going on in my mind. It’s like when you’re in a dream and you’re screaming but can’t make any noise. Instead of having your mind talk to you, talk to someone else that understands. That’s OK.

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ANXIETY is terrible, you could be having an attack and no one would even know, because it’s an inward thing. It feels like you’re malfunctioning and you can’t process your own thoughts. You get a knot in your stomach and you can’t take a full breath, but outwardly you can literally just sit there and look completely normal, as long as no one tries to speak to you. That’s OK.

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ANXIETY I realized today that I have stopped living life. I am literally just trying to get to the next day, just living in the thought of tomorrow. I am not living, I am waiting. And the trouble is, I don’t know what I am exactly waiting for. I am kind of scared for what it might be. Of course that’s the anxiety only talking. That’s OK.

#ANXIETY #ThatsOK

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth