Suicide : My Life Matters

3 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.


They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.


I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery

CATHARSIS

CATHARSIS

Born of a minority race
Adorned of comments and nitpicking
You grow a thick skin when subjected to
Adolescent Bullying

Spitting image of a Drug Abuser
Mother couldn’t take it
Flashbacks to days of running
Sounds of yelling and bones breaking

In my Father’s Absence,
I’ve had to pick myself up and dust myself off
In my mother’s presence
I’ve held back tears until she was gone

Forgive me if I guard myself
You can’t trust anyone these days
Because the one man who was first supposed to love me
Was the first to walk away

My self esteem is depleted
Swallow pills for my underlying demons
I host a Chronic Depression
Voices shut out hopeful reasoning

My moods are Biploar
In a good scenario, my sanity is within reach
But my rainy days are scattered
Let alone converse, sometimes I’m scared to speak

I’m not a lonesome person
I tend to travel with my own company
Say I smile and laugh
But I’m Depressed underneath

Cherry this on top
Sometimes conscience and voices collide
When words turn to cuts and cuts turn to scars
Scars on my skin that I can’t hide

When ears grow weary
And shoulders grow cold
People only care so much
My grievances grow old

When your words are singular
And your thoughts are priceless
Experience is golden
Lessons gained from the mindless

Pen and paper that provides release
Marvel at the pains of the artist
Each stroke …. a sentence
Every creation … a Catharsis

Grown from lines into my nose
To lines on a paper
From internal damning
To differential prayers

Because the words on these pages
These words I’ve spent years writing
Are the lessons life’s taught
The morals life’s written inside me.

Oh Dam n

Damn

I was hoping
Someone would get me.
Because I can’t Escape the Nightmare
That is Reality to me…
Even my Tears
for so long tried to Flee
the Trauma that is Inside Me.
Cold, Barren, Stagnant they became
Rising up as it Meets just Beneath the Surface
Of Another mind frame
Afraid to Let It Go So I close The Curtains
that Hold In the Universe
that is Internally Bleeding.
I’m Completley Submerged
like a Tide It continues to Rise up and Meet its Purpose
Ever Flowing Into The Verses
These Walls I build Higher,
Then Higher at the Notion.
But as I kept them Bottled up like the Message it held inside, At last tonight they succeed. They Race down my Face
Like waves in Steady Motion
It Craves Endless Devotion to rid the pressure like
I’m shaking like a Manic psychopath. They fled my heart daily. I fight to try hold back the Dam but Damn it it has reached new levels. The tide is much to high that it eclipses the sun. Know I should run but weak and broken are these bones.

Dam, oh Dam, oh Damn

Time and Time Again ⌚⏰⏱⌛️🕰…

Time and Time Again ⌚⏰⏱⌛️🕰…

Time is the continued progress of existence, past, present, and future as a whole
Achieving in an amount of time is goal
But don’t let time control you, time will only help joined with your working hand
Sometimes it’s better to hand it to time than planned
At the end of the day when all is done, you worked so hard to stay fun
But you lay in your bed going over what you did wrong
Know when to keep trying
But know when it’s enough, and let your life be a waiting game
Whatever came, will also come
Sometimes love is not enough, the run can be tough
Nothing is one-sided
But with time that will pass us
Maybe our timing will become right
And our mindsets will meet so things will be more light
Or time will show it wasn’t meant to be and I will find my way to a perfect right
You say you love my way with words
Why couldn’t I find the right words at the time
But now I write this and words flow beautifully out of this rhyme
When things are out of your control, remember time is on your side
When things aren’t going how you planned, remember you tried
Don’t forget how you felt that night when you accepted things for how it was and swore you were alright
That’s how you truly feel
Because now you sit here in the dark swearing everything is a mess and nothing is light
The what if’s and what could have been will consume your mind until you lose your sense of right now
Time doesn’t wait for any of us, notice what leaves and what life allows
Sometimes I feel crazy because I crave a sense of control
I found that sense to only drive away what I had as my goal
I need to work on being more calm and remembering some things are out of my control
You keep holding on in thought of how things use to be
But for now it’s not like that anymore, you don’t know who you see
Time has hurt but time has also healed
When I have done all I could do
I sit in my room crying for things to be over
But time is all that grew
Taking my pain with it too

⌚ ⏰⏱⌛️🕰

Suicide

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Sometimes, the most difficult and painful subjects need to be addressed head on. Failure to do so can result in loss of life occurring in such a way that the lives of others are altered forever. Yet, we still hesitate to bring up the subject, perhaps out of some understandable but misguided fear that the words alone might result in our greatest nightmare becoming a reality. Nonetheless, difficult as it is and truly frightening as it may be, there comes a time when a light needs to shine in those darkest corners where the fear often resides.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My Depression and Bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.


The despairing emotions that lays the groundwork for suicidal thoughts: Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Worthlessness. Hopelessness says, “Things will never get better. This will go on forever. Don’t even bother trying.” Helplessness is paralyzing: you see no control over your own life—things just keep happening to you that make you feel worse and worse. Worthlessness says, “And you’re a total failure of a human being. anyway. Your life is a waste.”

This unhappy trio shouts so loudly that any whispers of hope, efficacy, or worth get drowned out. Many individuals who commit suicide truly believe they are doing everyone around them a favor.


When I became clean and sober I wasn’t numbing these thoughts away. I wasn’t the “life” of the party anymore. I felt friends and family turned their backs on me.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 – A week later- I found out I was going to be a father. It’s funny how a week before I would’ve been a mourned Husband, Father, Son, Brother and Friend. I receive the help I need to continue to move forward. God wasn’t ready for me standing at the gates of heaven. Depression and Suicide can affect anyone. You Are Not Alone.

Thank You for those that Read this Post. It’s not about Me. It’s about being Aware. #Stigma

MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Hi, I’m Charles.
I don’t thank my Bipolar.
For anything.
Not a single thing.
I acknowledge my illness, I understand it, I make my peace, but I don’t give my Bipolar any credit. That belongs to me.
With or without it I’m fabulous.
And my Mental illness can go fuck itself.


If I could take a pill that would cure me, I would snatch it right out of your hand and swallow it dry. Because my Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me special, it makes my life complicated. My Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me brave. It’s not the source of my strength. It lingers under the surface of my consciousness, wheedling into my brain and poisoning how I feel about myself and how I experience the world.


I’m special, brave, strong, and talented without my illness. Bipolar Disorder isn’t a trial that I need to tackle in order to show the world I’m tough enough. I don’t need an illness to exaggerate my awesomeness. With an illness that mimics identity it can be hard to tell where Bipolar ends and I begin. The boundaries are never that distinct. But my Bipolar Disorder isn’t a badge. It’s a label, a diagnosis, a hefty, troublesome detail. My Bipolar doesn’t get to take a bow.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

I AM CHARLES

I AM CHARLES

I am stronger than I think I am
I am my biggest critic
I am the worst writer
I am the worst singer
I am the worst nursing student
I am a horrible friend
I am a horrible father
I am my own destruction
I am my own murderer
I am my own Anxiety
I am my own problem
I am not worthy
I am a mess
I am a failure
I am this
But
I am okay
I am successful
I am organized
I am the most worthy
I am a solution
I am a fixed mental disorder
I am my savior
I am my own builder
I am a great father
I am a best friend
I am the best nursing student
I am an amazing singer
I am an astounding writer
I am my biggest critic
And
I am stronger than I think I am
I am whatever you say I am

I AM CHARLES

Have You Seen Him?

You’ve seen him
the way his hat hangs low
new, blue and straight brimmed
clean-cut, clean-shaven
and those eyes
large and bright
dark brown, framed perfectly
with a thick, dark fringe
his mouth
usually curved in a smile
or open with a laugh
his ears
shining with diamond earrings
or his arms
thin, dark and toned
but secretly strong
your eyes have wandered
over his average, muscular body
you’ve seen the way he walks
with confidence and purpose
fast, with long strides

You think you’ve memorized the image of him
but

Have you seen?
the scars that crisscross his wrists
once red and dripping
now thin white slivers
the dark circles under his eyes
heavy with lost sleep
the same eyes once full
of hope and wonder
now swollen
red from a long night
of silent tears
ribs sticking out
no fat to be tugged on
or what about
the curves of his cheeks
tear-stained and sucken
his long fingers
intertwining in and out of themselves
over and over again
when he needs to feel grounded
and the way he spins his Jesus piece chain
back and forth on his chest
when he can’t find the words
how his strong legs shake
when the Anxiety consumes him.

So are you sure you’ve memorized his image?

Look again
please, look again
because he is waiting
for one person
just one person
to notice
how much he’s struggling
I promise you
you have not seen
all there is to him
there is more
that lies underneath the surface
if only someone would see it

Have You Seen Him?

Voices

Voices: either we hear them, use them, or shut them out.

What the world isn’t ready for is a real honest person. I’m not afraid to speak my mind for everyone to hear my voice. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and for certain not scared to show it. Real Recognizes Real.

_____

We walk around mute and blind. We turn our backs on one another. We kick a person when they are down. Why? The pain and suffering is within yourself first then in turn we lash that out towards others. If we showed and spoke the truth would it hurt? Compassion we lack and get absorbed into the Cruelty.

_____

When I needed those voices during my darkness times all I got in return were the voices in my head telling me I was a failure. I had to climb out the eerie gates of insanity with one just one voice in my head…

#Voices

F*ck Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.

I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.

I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness