Stop Depression

Dear Charles,

Man, what the hell?
Your energy is all over the goddamn place.
One day you’re bouncing off walls,
and beds, and thoughts
and you can’t stop thinking
or talking
long enough to hear someone is speaking to you.
I know you hear it,
I know you hear me.
I know there’s at least a buzzing in your inner ear that calls your attention
A whispering child that’s begging for two seconds of your time.


Other days, seem like nights
It’s quiet in there
Literally nothing is on
Nothing is open
You’re
off.
Thoughts are like molasses when they happen
and when they don’t
you’re not surprised
you’re relieved, even.
Glad you don’t have to muster the energy
muster the motivation
to breathe a millisecond faster than you already need to.
There are these orange see-through bottles on your nightstand.
They have these marbles inside
At least I think they’re marbles
Except you swallow them and they come in different shapes and sizes and colors
I can’t pronounce them sometimes but the one by the alarm clock right now is easy:
Lithium
Next to it, there’s Lamictal, and then Vrylar.
Your psychiatrist said that’s the old-type name.
Who knows what that means.
It still stops the tremors that Lithium keeps gifting you.


You’re given this really neat marble collector cabinet.
They are mini-cabinets for the marbles by day.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
If you wake up, that is.
Twice a day with a meal
If you eat, that is.
Don’t forget to take them though,
I’m scared you won’t wake up again
if you stop taking the marbles.
They’re good for you
and so am I.
Day N’ Night.

Sincerely,

Depression

Bad Dog

I once read a story
a long time ago
that Depression was like a bad dog
who creeps up on you slow.
I have Bipolar Disorder
it’s an ugly disease
another kind of bad dog
who never really leaves.
Yet training this bad dog
has taught things to me,
sometimes hard to remember,
but I can think of THREE.
The FIRST is to find
the silver lining of things
if I see only dark
only pain it brings.
The SECOND is to think
outside of the box
to learn coping skills
and ways to detox.
The THIRD is learning
how to talk about pain
and not suffer alone
with nothing to gain.
Taming the bad dog
was harder than hell
it took years of my life
and left me a shell.
But looking on the bright side,
I take heart to know
that despite the dark winter
I managed and continued to grow.

Bipolar #Mentalillness

F*CK Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.


I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.


I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness

Suicide : My Life Matters

3 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.


They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.


I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery

CATHARSIS

CATHARSIS

Born of a minority race
Adorned of comments and nitpicking
You grow a thick skin when subjected to
Adolescent Bullying

Spitting image of a Drug Abuser
Mother couldn’t take it
Flashbacks to days of running
Sounds of yelling and bones breaking

In my Father’s Absence,
I’ve had to pick myself up and dust myself off
In my mother’s presence
I’ve held back tears until she was gone

Forgive me if I guard myself
You can’t trust anyone these days
Because the one man who was first supposed to love me
Was the first to walk away

My self esteem is depleted
Swallow pills for my underlying demons
I host a Chronic Depression
Voices shut out hopeful reasoning

My moods are Biploar
In a good scenario, my sanity is within reach
But my rainy days are scattered
Let alone converse, sometimes I’m scared to speak

I’m not a lonesome person
I tend to travel with my own company
Say I smile and laugh
But I’m Depressed underneath

Cherry this on top
Sometimes conscience and voices collide
When words turn to cuts and cuts turn to scars
Scars on my skin that I can’t hide

When ears grow weary
And shoulders grow cold
People only care so much
My grievances grow old

When your words are singular
And your thoughts are priceless
Experience is golden
Lessons gained from the mindless

Pen and paper that provides release
Marvel at the pains of the artist
Each stroke …. a sentence
Every creation … a Catharsis

Grown from lines into my nose
To lines on a paper
From internal damning
To differential prayers

Because the words on these pages
These words I’ve spent years writing
Are the lessons life’s taught
The morals life’s written inside me.

Time and Time Again ⌚⏰⏱⌛️🕰…

Time and Time Again ⌚⏰⏱⌛️🕰…

Time is the continued progress of existence, past, present, and future as a whole
Achieving in an amount of time is goal
But don’t let time control you, time will only help joined with your working hand
Sometimes it’s better to hand it to time than planned
At the end of the day when all is done, you worked so hard to stay fun
But you lay in your bed going over what you did wrong
Know when to keep trying
But know when it’s enough, and let your life be a waiting game
Whatever came, will also come
Sometimes love is not enough, the run can be tough
Nothing is one-sided
But with time that will pass us
Maybe our timing will become right
And our mindsets will meet so things will be more light
Or time will show it wasn’t meant to be and I will find my way to a perfect right
You say you love my way with words
Why couldn’t I find the right words at the time
But now I write this and words flow beautifully out of this rhyme
When things are out of your control, remember time is on your side
When things aren’t going how you planned, remember you tried
Don’t forget how you felt that night when you accepted things for how it was and swore you were alright
That’s how you truly feel
Because now you sit here in the dark swearing everything is a mess and nothing is light
The what if’s and what could have been will consume your mind until you lose your sense of right now
Time doesn’t wait for any of us, notice what leaves and what life allows
Sometimes I feel crazy because I crave a sense of control
I found that sense to only drive away what I had as my goal
I need to work on being more calm and remembering some things are out of my control
You keep holding on in thought of how things use to be
But for now it’s not like that anymore, you don’t know who you see
Time has hurt but time has also healed
When I have done all I could do
I sit in my room crying for things to be over
But time is all that grew
Taking my pain with it too

⌚ ⏰⏱⌛️🕰

Suicide

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Sometimes, the most difficult and painful subjects need to be addressed head on. Failure to do so can result in loss of life occurring in such a way that the lives of others are altered forever. Yet, we still hesitate to bring up the subject, perhaps out of some understandable but misguided fear that the words alone might result in our greatest nightmare becoming a reality. Nonetheless, difficult as it is and truly frightening as it may be, there comes a time when a light needs to shine in those darkest corners where the fear often resides.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My Depression and Bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.


The despairing emotions that lays the groundwork for suicidal thoughts: Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Worthlessness. Hopelessness says, “Things will never get better. This will go on forever. Don’t even bother trying.” Helplessness is paralyzing: you see no control over your own life—things just keep happening to you that make you feel worse and worse. Worthlessness says, “And you’re a total failure of a human being. anyway. Your life is a waste.”

This unhappy trio shouts so loudly that any whispers of hope, efficacy, or worth get drowned out. Many individuals who commit suicide truly believe they are doing everyone around them a favor.


When I became clean and sober I wasn’t numbing these thoughts away. I wasn’t the “life” of the party anymore. I felt friends and family turned their backs on me.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 – A week later- I found out I was going to be a father. It’s funny how a week before I would’ve been a mourned Husband, Father, Son, Brother and Friend. I receive the help I need to continue to move forward. God wasn’t ready for me standing at the gates of heaven. Depression and Suicide can affect anyone. You Are Not Alone.

Thank You for those that Read this Post. It’s not about Me. It’s about being Aware. #Stigma

MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Hi, I’m Charles.
I don’t thank my Bipolar.
For anything.
Not a single thing.
I acknowledge my illness, I understand it, I make my peace, but I don’t give my Bipolar any credit. That belongs to me.
With or without it I’m fabulous.
And my Mental illness can go fuck itself.


If I could take a pill that would cure me, I would snatch it right out of your hand and swallow it dry. Because my Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me special, it makes my life complicated. My Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me brave. It’s not the source of my strength. It lingers under the surface of my consciousness, wheedling into my brain and poisoning how I feel about myself and how I experience the world.


I’m special, brave, strong, and talented without my illness. Bipolar Disorder isn’t a trial that I need to tackle in order to show the world I’m tough enough. I don’t need an illness to exaggerate my awesomeness. With an illness that mimics identity it can be hard to tell where Bipolar ends and I begin. The boundaries are never that distinct. But my Bipolar Disorder isn’t a badge. It’s a label, a diagnosis, a hefty, troublesome detail. My Bipolar doesn’t get to take a bow.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

This is Me…Bipolar

Shit it’s hard being Bipolar but I wasn’t given a choice. I don’t wish or choose to be depressed today. My anxiety is through the roof and I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. Oh wait, does that add more jitters? I compare myself with my former self, not with others. I am a hard act to follow.

My mind is so deep that others would drown in. Don’t drown in my sorrow but acknowledge the cry for help. Who Am I? Why Me? Which of the Me’s is Me? I hate taking these medication pills to make me “feel”. I hate to feel so I take these medication pills. I guess that’s what they mean by feeling numb.

The rollercoaster phases of my day are intangible. You don’t know me. Honestly, I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t even really know myself half the time. It’s Charles hidden behind Charles. I’m the shadow chasing myself. But I don’t know how you do it?

#LifeOnLifesTerms #Bipolar

F*ck Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.

I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.

I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness