I fell in Love with the Hatred. Love being Hated. Why you want to hate me? Why would you want to hate me. It’s mental, it’s all in your thoughts. Love & Hate are 2 powerful tools thrown in so many directions to describe our feelings, thoughts and emotions. We can love and hate the same person, place or things.
I love my father because he gave you Charles but I hate him for being an absent father. I used to love drinking and drugging but I hate the effects it caused to harm my life. I love being happy but I hate the bipolar tendencies it brings. It’s a love/hate relationship we all live. Like ying & yang, love and hate can’t live without each other.
My Addictions: You love me one minute but hate me the next. That’s too much Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I love, hate and miss you but I’m better off without you. I never wanted you out my life but I had to let you go. You got to do the right thing.
I remember …every single time you abandoned me in a car to chase your own desires …every single time you smoked your son away from your mind …every single time you forgot about your baby boy born …every single time you only focused on your new so-called Drugs I remember.
Do you remember …I cried for hours for reasons a nine-year old shouldn’t have to comprehend …I scored a game winning run and searched for you but you were nowhere to be found …I came flying to you, ecstatic over my perfect grades, only to be swatted away …I saw other daddies embracing their children while you clung to your cravings Do you remember?
You don’t remember …How could you know my pain that you have never allowed yourself to see …How could you know my pain that you were never forced to grasp …How could you know my pain that you never tasted …How could you know my pain that you never heard You don’t remember.
Do you want to hear about what I know now …I know now that you are not a Father, someone to trust and appreciate …I know now that you are just a man, broken and lost …I know now that you are a contradiction, someone who destroys and builds …I know now that you are a child, as was I This is what I know now.
I know who we are Mom, together we’re addicts They asked me how I was affected at the situations you exposed and reflected Did you know what it was like as a child feeling alone? Your sitting right next to me but you’re not really home. I prayed to God to help you… So I could have the mom back that I once knew Take a deep breathe Ma… I’m with you. Time after time you tried to explain…. Why I’m 9 years old watching the addiction you maintain. Why are you so angry all the time? I don’t know what I did. But until you got your fix alone in your room you hid. Why wasn’t I important like the addiction was to you? You dropped me off at Grandma’s an said this will half to do. When you left I wondered why you didn’t want me. And if it was because I made you angry If so then Ma I’m sorry. I can be GOOD I can do BETTER Just PLEASE mom as long as we can be together. And you left and did what you thought mattered. Did you know in that driveway you left my well being shattered. Grandma would yell when I’d cry and I didn’t understand. This can’t be the life for me that you had planned. Grandma would tell me it wasn’t my fault It was something you were going through maybe a sickness you had caught. Grandma was so sad she said she didn’t want me around your lifestyle So until you got better this is how life would be for awhile. Some days you were wasted others very high thats how I remember each and every goodbye. You didn’t think I knew just what you were doing, Or how bad I knew your Addiction was pursuing. Telling me I know nothing, or what it’s all about As I watched it turn you completely inside out. I’ve never used, abused or craved you just yet BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. You took my mother from me and into darkness you walked her so very far. For so many years now you have had control! Taking her heart,mind,body and soul. You came first, She craved your power as if it was hunger or thirst. I’ve never submitted myself to you just yet BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. Your easy to get You don’t have to look far. You didn’t care that she was a good person Better yet that made it easier insertion. You had her hooked after just one try Not knowing when you were gone she’d want to die. I watched her do awful things just to have you in her hands But it’s not her fault it’s what your Addiction demands. And you come back Oh you always come back…. You know when shes vulnerable So you pick up her slack. She cant live her life without you in it every single day She doesn’t care about nothing your trying to preach or pray And then one day you’ll make her hit rock bottom And the Addiction inside of her will whisper “GOT EM” This drug is very dangerous Won’t stop till it fulfills death I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE they call you
This Blog Post is for the Wives, Husbands, Girlfriends, Boyfriends or Loved Ones.
You have traveled a rocky road. You have had a long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self pity, misunderstanding and fear. We alcoholics or addicts are not pleasant companions. You have been driven to tears, sympathy and bitter resentment. Some of you hoping that one day your love one would be themselves once more.
You have been unselfish and self sacrificing. You told lies to protect your love one’s pride and reputation. You prayed, begged, and tried to be patient. But you struck out, hid, ran away, became hysterical or just were terrified to approach them.
You wake up with hopes of a new day, a new person but suddenly realize as the day goes on they didn’t change. Maybe for a couple hours, a week or two, but the gut in your stomach fears they will resort back to their old destructive ways.
You love them so much and have no idea how to help them. Realize you are not the problem nor the solution. The alcoholic or addict has no idea how much they are being harmful to you or others. You can guide and suggest for them to get outside help without getting into arguments. Hard yes, but don’t give up. Never ever blame yourself. You are the strongest ones to live and come out of this environment. Sometimes as a last resort you have to let go and stop enabling too.
I’ve been strong for far too long. I just couldn’t keep the pace. I’ve been carrying on, driving down the same old streets. I’m losing faith, starting to lose face. Seems it’s the same from day-to-day, seems nothing ever changes. I’ve nothing left to lose, there’s nothing left to gain. I’m all out of things to say. The drugs only kill the pain for just so long, just one more line. I think, and I’ll be able to go on. I’ve run out of money, I’m down to my last shot of whiskey. I know if I keep this up this lifestyle will kill me. I think I NEED HELP.
Hold me close, don’t let me go. I find myself becoming my own worst enemy. Hold me tight, don’t let my mind take flight. It’s getting harder for me to breathe. I need a helping hand, someone to save me from myself, because I don’t think I can, and I don’t know how much more I can stand. I feel I’ve lost my mind, all concepts of time, I go to extremes just to unwind. I think I NEED HELP.
I’m sorry if my words have brought you down, it seems like you’re always around, for the good and the bad days, when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane. You get it all, the best of me and the worst of me, now that I’m down on my knees, crying please, I realize it’s you who whispers to me calmly, soothing away the misery. It’s you who makes me want to straighten out to get clean and sober. I know there’s a better way to ease my pain. I don’t need alcohol or drugs to make myself feel sane, I have you to brighten those darker days. I GOT HELP.
— Charles King — GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict
Apologies to my Exes and women I womanized. No this isn’t my confessions. Sorry, just an appreciation of your time and investment, patience and efforts. Having you all was part of a blessing. You all belong on a pedestal. No hard feelings, no love lost. No bad blood, your love is a bad drug. But better to have love than no love at all.
Disciplining my habits, went distant on my attachments. I had to turn my presence to absence. Stuck in a cage, questioning the hours and days. I’m in my Depressional stage, my tunnel vision is starting to fade. I started to marry my thoughts, already engaged. Not knowing my next move had me going insane. I depended on Alcohol to get me over the pain. Praying my habit didn’t turn for the worst. It turned me to pills and cocaine. I won’t allow this temporary pain to turn to a stain.
I want to live but my joy for life is stuck in the grave. God I need you more than ever, I was hoping you came. I was so used to holding life in, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was misunderstood. Far from perfect, did a lot of stupid, crazy things I knew I shouldn’t. Ducking my demons but they coming back like a speeding bullet. My life is crazy out here, it’s like I love it and I hate it out here. I have to be mentally stable to know these 3 words…I Am Sorry.
This is to anyone whose hearts I shattered in active addictions:
Before I identified myself as an Alcoholic or a drug Addict, my view of any addiction consisted of dirty needles and DUIs and jails and drinking out of brown paper bags under bridges (Sure that wasn’t me). I pictured bruises on children’s’ faces after fathers would stumble in drunk and screaming at 3 AM, and families begging their loved ones just to “stop.” I didn’t understand how someone could “let themselves” get to that point. They didn’t care about their wives? Their husbands? Their children?
Then I got drunk and high for the very first time. I felt peace like I had never known. The tornado in my head had finally ceased tossing words and time and emotions around, and I didn’t have to feel. I didn’t have to think about anything else, and I didn’t have to worry. I was no longer afraid.
Looking back, I know now I was an alcoholic and addict long before I picked up any drink or drug. My disease came from a hole inside of me, which I stuffed with thing after thing after thing and nothing was ever enough. Faster than I could have imagined, that wonderful feeling of being drunk and high became a necessity. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t eat, couldn’t LIVE without booze or drugs.
The very things that were destroying me, that were eating my soul, were the things that seemed to be keeping me alive. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I doubted myself and my friends and lost trust in everyone and everything around me. I was underwater with a ball and chain around my foot, and my disease was at the bottom celebrating its’ new victory. I didn’t feel guilt about the things I was doing. I didn’t allow myself to because all I knew was chasing that next thrill and high. I hurt so many people, and most of all I hurt myself.
My addictions dragged me down faster than I ever thought something could. I didn’t catch it in time, or maybe I just didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. My disease convinced me that the hell I was living was better than even thinking about getting clean. And I believed my insidious disease. It became the only thing in my life that I trusted.
When I went to rehab treatment I heard stories. I heard stories about people who had it so much harder than I did, and that they managed to stay clean for unfathomable amounts of time. I couldn’t hold together my first 22 hours, and this man/woman just celebrated 22 years of continuous sobriety ?! I couldn’t believe it. My path of becoming alive again, actually living, began right then and there. I didn’t know it yet, but the seed of hope had been planted.
There are 3 things in life that leave and never return: Words, Time and Opportunities — Therefore, value whoever values you and don’t treat as a priority whoever treats you as an option.
There are two ways to be happy: Change the situation or Change your mindset towards it. Today I’m happy to be happy. I lied to myself for far too long in which like any lie does, it spreads upon others.
Be a reflection of what you’d like to see in others! If you want Love, give Love. If you want Honesty, give Honesty. If you want Respect, give Respect. You get in Return, what you Give.