3 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…
“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)
SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.
They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.
I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.
Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.
Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.
The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.
This Blog Post is for the Wives, Husbands, Girlfriends, Boyfriends or Loved Ones.
You have traveled a rocky road. You have had a long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self pity, misunderstanding and fear. We alcoholics or addicts are not pleasant companions. You have been driven to tears, sympathy and bitter resentment. Some of you hoping that one day your love one would be themselves once more.
You have been unselfish and self sacrificing. You told lies to protect your love one’s pride and reputation. You prayed, begged, and tried to be patient. But you struck out, hid, ran away, became hysterical or just were terrified to approach them.
You wake up with hopes of a new day, a new person but suddenly realize as the day goes on they didn’t change. Maybe for a couple hours, a week or two, but the gut in your stomach fears they will resort back to their old destructive ways.
You love them so much and have no idea how to help them. Realize you are not the problem nor the solution. The alcoholic or addict has no idea how much they are being harmful to you or others. You can guide and suggest for them to get outside help without getting into arguments. Hard yes, but don’t give up. Never ever blame yourself. You are the strongest ones to live and come out of this environment. Sometimes as a last resort you have to let go and stop enabling too.
I was hoping Someone would get me. Because I can’t Escape the Nightmare That is Reality to me… Even my Tears for so long tried to Flee the Trauma that is Inside Me. Cold, Barren, Stagnant they became Rising up as it Meets just Beneath the Surface Of Another mind frame Afraid to Let It Go So I close The Curtains that Hold In the Universe that is Internally Bleeding. I’m Completley Submerged like a Tide It continues to Rise up and Meet its Purpose Ever Flowing Into The Verses These Walls I build Higher, Then Higher at the Notion. But as I kept them Bottled up like the Message it held inside, At last tonight they succeed. They Race down my Face Like waves in Steady Motion It Craves Endless Devotion to rid the pressure like I’m shaking like a Manic psychopath. They fled my heart daily. I fight to try hold back the Dam but Damn it it has reached new levels. The tide is much to high that it eclipses the sun. Know I should run but weak and broken are these bones.
I am stronger than I think I am I am my biggest critic I am the worst writer I am the worst singer I am the worst nursing student I am a horrible friend I am a horrible father I am my own destruction I am my own murderer I am my own Anxiety I am my own problem I am not worthy I am a mess I am a failure I am this But I am okay I am successful I am organized I am the most worthy I am a solution I am a fixed mental disorder I am my savior I am my own builder I am a great father I am a best friend I am the best nursing student I am an amazing singer I am an astounding writer I am my biggest critic And I am stronger than I think I am I am whatever you say I am
ADDICTION: Hey there old friend. Maybe friend isn’t the correct term, so allow me to rephrase. Hello old habit. You and me were best friends. We were the Bert and Ernie of our time and yes we flew over the cliff and plunged into the abyss. I was sick and I only needed you. No chicken soup could cure this sickness. I thought you were all the antibiotics I needed. You and me were married once. I woke up to you, thought about you all day long, and rushed you into my arms at night. But that was just the honeymoon phase.
My friend, my disease. I was in it not for the thrill of the chase but for the end of my pain. When I was with you I saw my dreams come true. Pigs were flying, so I thought. I didn’t have to believe I was dying. I didn’t have to care about Mom, Dad, and anyone that showed me love. I avoided all and many. I only cared about cutting the perfect line, rolling a perfect dime, and making sure I didn’t look high. If I said I didn’t miss you I would be lying but hey, you’ve made a liar out of me before.
It’s easy to try and ignore the hell you put me through, but I would walk a thousand miles of hells seventh floor before I slip back into that fantasy. That coma of things that have never been and could never not be. Me and the devil have danced nine times to many and I know all his sweet moves. The devil put me in a checkmate I never saw coming.
My friend, my affliction, Kryptonite doesn’t have a damn thing on you! You kept me down for years and years and years. Only down was up and up was blue and it was way to difficult to stop believing in you. Believing you were better than real love. I loved you so much. You were my sweetheart, my carebear, my snow white, my green sticky icky, my pill kill, my daily fix. But you can’t fix this! You can’t fix my past or make my future bright. I know I sound like I’ve suddenly seen the light but it was always there. I just chose to close my eyes.
My friend I think it’s best we stop playing this game. It’s time I call you by your true name. ADDICTION, you were never my friend only another bullet I’d bitten. ADDICTION you are my cancer, you may not be stage four but you’re still terminal. You were the Woody to my Buzz Lightyear. Only now if I am driven to the edge of insanity I’ll skid to a stop. I will watch as you fall over the edge, and I’ll smile as you dive into oblivion. A place I never ever ever ever again want to be.
I struggle with Mental Health issues every day….every….single…day.
I will never understand how people are so uncomfortable addressing mental health issues but are comfortable sending get well wishes to someone with a broken bone or going through surgery. 🤦♂️
No, it’s not a phase.
No, it’s not an on/off switch I can flip in my head.
No, it’s not a passing feeling.
No I’m not doing it for attention.
No, it’s not laziness.
No, It’s not sadness.
No it’s not “something you get over”.
It’s a lifelong condition, and I’m at peace with that.
Yes, I’ve had therapy. Group and individual.
Yes, I’ve done exercise and ate healthy.
Yes, I do joke around and make others laugh and smile.
Yes, I’ve worn a mask, due to the stigma of mental health, and honestly…its a shame that I had to hide it.
Always be kind to the people around you. Not all traumas are visible. Just because you cant see their wounds doesnt give you a right to judge or belittle anyone. Love is a universal language, spread it as much as you can. So if you see someone’s having a rough day, share a smile, lend them your ear and encourage them to keep going.
“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t”. — Joker
I stand in the shower head against the tile wondering is my life worth living. The water turns from hot to ice cold down the drain spinning. Why Me? Why Me? Why Me? I want to be “normal”. I want thoughts of better days but that’s impossible when my mind is a dead end maze. I’m good one minute, psycho the next. Ohh Hello BIPOLAR you came out to play. Is this just a brief stop or you deciding to stay. Come along the ride with DEPRESSION and pick up ANXIETY while you are at it. A MANIC trio on a road of disaster. Charles take these HAPPY pills it will swallow the pain and agony but in reality I’m swallowed whole grasping for air. I see a little light…HOPE.
I am not ashamed to say it. It’s the Stigma that shames us all. Just thankful to shed some light upon my darkest hours. We scroll up and down Facebook overlooking the underlying issues of one in danger or seeking help.
There’s only One that Sees and Hears the Pain We Hide From Others. A tear is made of 1% water and 99% feelings. Sometimes sad memories sneak out my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I hide behind my smile and laughter that it breaks my heart and I’m falling apart. Behind my brown eyes are so many hidden tears and behind my body is a soul trying to fight.
~~ The Struggle is Real but The Fight is Stronger ~~
Notorious B.I.G. spoke to me when he said It Was All A Dream on “Juicy”. Wu-Tang Clan taught me at 10 years old to “Protect Ya Neck”. My first cd 💿 purchased was Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” as I began walking through the valley of the shadows of death. Bone Thugs N’ Harmony only left Charles at life’s “Crossroads”. P.O.D. paved my way of being the “Youth of a Nation”. As I grew older Nirvana made me rebel, “Smells like Teen Spirit”. Eminem knew me to well when I was at my “Rock Bottom” but I will never fail “Til I Collapse”. DMX how did you know my path was “Dark and Hell is Hot”? Snoop Dogg knew I liked to sip on “Gin and Juice” but Tool told me it was time to get “Sober”. Metallica had me wake up with nightmares after watching “Enter Sandman”.
Fabolous told me just “Breathe”. Mobb Deep calmed me down with the “Quiet Storm”. Prince, I guess this is how it sounds like “When Doves Cry”. Bruce Springsteen screamed it best, I was “Born in the U.S.A. But Clint Mansell showed me I was living in a “Requiem for a Dream”. I began smoking “Purple Haze” while listening to Jimi Hendrix. Cassidy had me crushing “My drink N’ my 2 Step”. But Billy Joel said they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness. But it’s better than drinking alone as I slur “Piano Man”. I was sloppy drunk when I played “Musical Chairs” with Raw Commitee and my 2.0 Boys. I’m “Uncomfortably Numb” while “Crawling” in my own skin thanks to Pink Floyd and Linkin Park. Jay-Z designed the “Blueprint” how my life shaped up. Change will come “If I Ruled the World” just as Nas envisioned.
Hey Kanye, women hate me because I was “Heartless”. Kings of Leon told me their “Sex is on Fire”. I’ll leave my past in the past I’m no Big Pun “Still Not a Player”. I believed Papa Roach this is my “Last Resort”. How could I have “Fallin” Alicia Keys? Evanescence answered my prayers to “Bring Me Back to Life”. Where was Lil Wayne’s head at to make “I Feel Like Dying”? Breaking Benjamin must know because we’re “So Cold”. Keith Urban I won’t take my own life because I’m a “Fighter”. 50 Cent had me on the ledge so “Don’t Push Me”. This wasn’t my “End of the Road” after hearing Boyz II Men sing. “Blessed the Broken Road” that lead me straight to Rascal Flatts. I’m alive Rick Ross because everyday I’m “Hustlin” to make it happen one day at a time. I was directed to throw dem bows by Ludacris so you better “Roll Out”. So everybody “Get Your Roll On” because we got Big Tymers in the house. Andele andale moma “E.I. E.I.” uh oh Nelly what’s poppin tonight? Don Omar got me salsa dancing to that “Danza Kuduro”💃 oi, oi, oi. This all might seem foreign but its my “Ebonics” throw one up for Big L. If you don’t act right there will be “Big Things Poppin” ain’t that right T.I.
My musical idol Joe Budden rapped about being suicidal like me because we’re “Only Human”. When I stopped drinking and drugging I thought that was my “Downfall”. The struggle is real Michael Jackson told me just “Beat It”. I once was the life of the party with “All Eyez on Me”, a social butterfly like 2pac. Slaughterhouse handed me a “Microphone” to spread inspiration and hope. I don’t need the “Money, Power, Respect the Lox once said I needed. I changed my life around because I didn’t want to live “Under the Bridge” in a “Cardboard Box” kudos to Red Hot Chili Peppers and ANoyd for showing me a way out. The Fugees asked me am I “Ready or Not”? There’s also love around me Phil Collins I can feel it “In the Air Tonight”. I love my daughter so much Will Smith showed me it’s “Just the Two of Us”. Live today like its your last because Usher said just take it “Nice & Slow”. Drake and Weeknd Take Care and thanks for reading this was for my “Crew Love”.
Apologies to my Exes and women I womanized. No this isn’t my confessions. Sorry, just an appreciation of your time and investment, patience and efforts. Having you all was part of a blessing. You all belong on a pedestal. No hard feelings, no love lost. No bad blood, your love is a bad drug. But better to have love than no love at all.
Disciplining my habits, went distant on my attachments. I had to turn my presence to absence. Stuck in a cage, questioning the hours and days. I’m in my Depressional stage, my tunnel vision is starting to fade. I started to marry my thoughts, already engaged. Not knowing my next move had me going insane. I depended on Alcohol to get me over the pain. Praying my habit didn’t turn for the worst. It turned me to pills and cocaine. I won’t allow this temporary pain to turn to a stain.
I want to live but my joy for life is stuck in the grave. God I need you more than ever, I was hoping you came. I was so used to holding life in, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was misunderstood. Far from perfect, did a lot of stupid, crazy things I knew I shouldn’t. Ducking my demons but they coming back like a speeding bullet. My life is crazy out here, it’s like I love it and I hate it out here. I have to be mentally stable to know these 3 words…I Am Sorry.