One Love

I struggle with Mental Health issues every day….every….single…day.

I will never understand how people are so uncomfortable addressing mental health issues but are comfortable sending get well wishes to someone with a broken bone or going through surgery. 🤦‍♂️

No, it’s not a phase.

No, it’s not an on/off switch I can flip in my head.

No, it’s not a passing feeling.

No I’m not doing it for attention.

No, it’s not laziness.

No, It’s not sadness.

No it’s not “something you get over”.

It’s a lifelong condition, and I’m at peace with that.

Yes, I’ve had therapy. Group and individual.

Yes, I’ve done exercise and ate healthy.

Yes, I do joke around and make others laugh and smile.

Yes, I’ve worn a mask, due to the stigma of mental health, and honestly…its a shame that I had to hide it.

Always be kind to the people around you. Not all traumas are visible. Just because you cant see their wounds doesnt give you a right to judge or belittle anyone. Love is a universal language, spread it as much as you can. So if you see someone’s having a rough day, share a smile, lend them your ear and encourage them to keep going.

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t”. — Joker

Never Give Up

Hello,

I suffer from Mental Illness:

I stand in the shower head against the tile wondering is my life worth living. The water turns from hot to ice cold down the drain spinning. Why Me? Why Me? Why Me? I want to be “normal”. I want thoughts of better days but that’s impossible when my mind is a dead end maze. I’m good one minute, psycho the next. Ohh Hello BIPOLAR you came out to play. Is this just a brief stop or you deciding to stay. Come along the ride with DEPRESSION and pick up ANXIETY while you are at it. A MANIC trio on a road of disaster. Charles take these HAPPY pills it will swallow the pain and agony but in reality I’m swallowed whole grasping for air. I see a little light…HOPE.

I am not ashamed to say it. It’s the Stigma that shames us all. Just thankful to shed some light upon my darkest hours. We scroll up and down Facebook overlooking the underlying issues of one in danger or seeking help.

There’s only One that Sees and Hears the Pain We Hide From Others. A tear is made of 1% water and 99% feelings. Sometimes sad memories sneak out my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I hide behind my smile and laughter that it breaks my heart and I’m falling apart. Behind my brown eyes are so many hidden tears and behind my body is a soul trying to fight.

~~ The Struggle is Real but The Fight is Stronger ~~

– Charles Louis King

🎧 Music Saved My Life! 🎧

🎧 Music Saved My Life! 🎧

Notorious B.I.G. spoke to me when he said It Was All A Dream on “Juicy”. Wu-Tang Clan taught me at 10 years old to “Protect Ya Neck”. My first cd 💿 purchased was Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” as I began walking through the valley of the shadows of death. Bone Thugs N’ Harmony only left Charles at life’s “Crossroads”. P.O.D. paved my way of being the “Youth of a Nation”. As I grew older Nirvana made me rebel, “Smells like Teen Spirit”. Eminem knew me to well when I was at my “Rock Bottom” but I will never fail “Til I Collapse”. DMX how did you know my path was “Dark and Hell is Hot”? Snoop Dogg knew I liked to sip on “Gin and Juice” but Tool told me it was time to get “Sober”. Metallica had me wake up with nightmares after watching “Enter Sandman”.

Fabolous told me just “Breathe”. Mobb Deep calmed me down with the “Quiet Storm”. Prince, I guess this is how it sounds like “When Doves Cry”. Bruce Springsteen screamed it best, I was “Born in the U.S.A. But Clint Mansell showed me I was living in a “Requiem for a Dream”. I began smoking “Purple Haze” while listening to Jimi Hendrix. Cassidy had me crushing “My drink N’ my 2 Step”. But Billy Joel said they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness. But it’s better than drinking alone as I slur “Piano Man”. I was sloppy drunk when I played “Musical Chairs” with Raw Commitee and my 2.0 Boys. I’m “Uncomfortably Numb” while “Crawling” in my own skin thanks to Pink Floyd and Linkin Park. Jay-Z designed the “Blueprint” how my life shaped up. Change will come “If I Ruled the World” just as Nas envisioned.

Hey Kanye, women hate me because I was “Heartless”. Kings of Leon told me their “Sex is on Fire”. I’ll leave my past in the past I’m no Big Pun “Still Not a Player”. I believed Papa Roach this is my “Last Resort”. How could I have “Fallin” Alicia Keys? Evanescence answered my prayers to “Bring Me Back to Life”. Where was Lil Wayne’s head at to make “I Feel Like Dying”? Breaking Benjamin must know because we’re “So Cold”. Keith Urban I won’t take my own life because I’m a “Fighter”. 50 Cent had me on the ledge so “Don’t Push Me”. This wasn’t my “End of the Road” after hearing Boyz II Men sing. “Blessed the Broken Road” that lead me straight to Rascal Flatts. I’m alive Rick Ross because everyday I’m “Hustlin” to make it happen one day at a time. I was directed to throw dem bows by Ludacris so you better “Roll Out”. So everybody “Get Your Roll On” because we got Big Tymers in the house. Andele andale moma “E.I. E.I.” uh oh Nelly what’s poppin tonight? Don Omar got me salsa dancing to that “Danza Kuduro”💃 oi, oi, oi. This all might seem foreign but its my “Ebonics” throw one up for Big L. If you don’t act right there will be “Big Things Poppin” ain’t that right T.I.

My musical idol Joe Budden rapped about being suicidal like me because we’re “Only Human”. When I stopped drinking and drugging I thought that was my “Downfall”. The struggle is real Michael Jackson told me just “Beat It”. I once was the life of the party with “All Eyez on Me”, a social butterfly like 2pac. Slaughterhouse handed me a “Microphone” to spread inspiration and hope. I don’t need the “Money, Power, Respect the Lox once said I needed. I changed my life around because I didn’t want to live “Under the Bridge” in a “Cardboard Box” kudos to Red Hot Chili Peppers and ANoyd for showing me a way out. The Fugees asked me am I “Ready or Not”? There’s also love around me Phil Collins I can feel it “In the Air Tonight”. I love my daughter so much Will Smith showed me it’s “Just the Two of Us”. Live today like its your last because Usher said just take it “Nice & Slow”. Drake and Weeknd Take Care and thanks for reading this was for my “Crew Love”.

Keep listening to Music on those Beats by Dre 🎧

No Love Lost

Apologies to my Exes and women I womanized. No this isn’t my confessions. Sorry, just an appreciation of your time and investment, patience and efforts. Having you all was part of a blessing. You all belong on a pedestal. No hard feelings, no love lost. No bad blood, your love is a bad drug. But better to have love than no love at all.

Disciplining my habits, went distant on my attachments. I had to turn my presence to absence. Stuck in a cage, questioning the hours and days. I’m in my Depressional stage, my tunnel vision is starting to fade. I started to marry my thoughts, already engaged. Not knowing my next move had me going insane. I depended on Alcohol to get me over the pain. Praying my habit didn’t turn for the worst. It turned me to pills and cocaine. I won’t allow this temporary pain to turn to a stain.

I want to live but my joy for life is stuck in the grave. God I need you more than ever, I was hoping you came. I was so used to holding life in, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was misunderstood. Far from perfect, did a lot of stupid, crazy things I knew I shouldn’t. Ducking my demons but they coming back like a speeding bullet. My life is crazy out here, it’s like I love it and I hate it out here. I have to be mentally stable to know these 3 words…I Am Sorry.

❤️

The Real Me…

I’m constantly accomplishing all of my new accomplishments. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I haven’t really accomplished shit. Honestly it’s stressful. I got skeletons in my closet. I won’t say I’m trying to clean it up, maybe just sort it out. I’m sharing with you things that I thought about. Can’t stop dreaming about.

Hey Charles, how do I get these demons out? Voices in my head, I need to scream it out. Something has to give. You don’t get rid of your demons, you learn to live with them.

I lost many friends in as many weeks; From the same place I call home. My paranoia got me feeling obnoxious. But let me paint a different picture: I didn’t lose friends, I gained angels. So before bed I’m saying thank you. Be very careful about what you think. Your thoughts run your life. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies. Don’t ever say things that are not true. Who takes a bullet for you is not as important as the one who takes the bullet out of you. Never give up on me!

#KeepingItReal #ImMe

I’m a Warrior

Yes, I’m in Recovery. Because even today was hard, I’m still choosing to be here tomorrow. One must not forget that Recovery is brought upon not by the doctor, but by the sick individual themselves. We heal ourselves by our own power exactly as we walk by means of our own power, or eat, or think, breathe, or sleep.

____

I am forever an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and never thought I turn out this way. All I was doing was smoking pot at first and drinking at parties. It couldn’t hurt. Only I found out later in life it can hurt. I was getting into fights. Black Outs. Womanizing. Then I started to get bored. That’s when the stronger drugs came onboard from Coke to Pills to just feeling weird. Life was a blur just waiting for the next high. I never thought I’d say goodbye.

_____

Goodbye to the all the darkness and anguish. Goodbye to all the false hopes alcohol and drugs promised me. Goodbye to those party goers and naysayers. Goodbye, goodbye, so long, farewell. But it’s not the end of the chapter. Bring on Year #4 …

#Stronger #Wiser #Healing #Recovery

My Recovery

This is to anyone whose hearts I shattered in active addictions:

Before I identified myself as an Alcoholic or a drug Addict, my view of any addiction consisted of dirty needles and DUIs and jails and drinking out of brown paper bags under bridges (Sure that wasn’t me). I pictured bruises on children’s’ faces after fathers would stumble in drunk and screaming at 3 AM, and families begging their loved ones just to “stop.” I didn’t understand how someone could “let themselves” get to that point. They didn’t care about their wives? Their husbands? Their children?

______

Then I got drunk and high for the very first time. I felt peace like I had never known. The tornado in my head had finally ceased tossing words and time and emotions around, and I didn’t have to feel. I didn’t have to think about anything else, and I didn’t have to worry. I was no longer afraid.

Looking back, I know now I was an alcoholic and addict long before I picked up any drink or drug. My disease came from a hole inside of me, which I stuffed with thing after thing after thing and nothing was ever enough. Faster than I could have imagined, that wonderful feeling of being drunk and high became a necessity. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t eat, couldn’t LIVE without booze or drugs.

______

The very things that were destroying me, that were eating my soul, were the things that seemed to be keeping me alive. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I doubted myself and my friends and lost trust in everyone and everything around me. I was underwater with a ball and chain around my foot, and my disease was at the bottom celebrating its’ new victory. I didn’t feel guilt about the things I was doing. I didn’t allow myself to because all I knew was chasing that next thrill and high. I hurt so many people, and most of all I hurt myself.

My addictions dragged me down faster than I ever thought something could. I didn’t catch it in time, or maybe I just didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. My disease convinced me that the hell I was living was better than even thinking about getting clean. And I believed my insidious disease. It became the only thing in my life that I trusted.

______

When I went to rehab treatment I heard stories. I heard stories about people who had it so much harder than I did, and that they managed to stay clean for unfathomable amounts of time. I couldn’t hold together my first 22 hours, and this man/woman just celebrated 22 years of continuous sobriety ?! I couldn’t believe it. My path of becoming alive again, actually living, began right then and there. I didn’t know it yet, but the seed of hope had been planted.

#TheFactsOfLife #MyRecovery 🙏❤️