DADA Look into my eyes and tell me what it is you see (Could you tell me what I see?)
I wish I knew what you saw or how u felt? Are things black and white? Am I just a tall figure that walks by you and you just smile saying Da Da? Do you know when I’m sad because I’m to depressed to play with you and your toys? Does your crying trigger me of repressed childhood memories? How come you learn ABCs but I attend AA, NA and GA meetings.
I smile, you smile. I laugh, you laugh. I cry, you smile. You cry, I worry. No spoken words between us yet we bond like no other. You’re forever Daddy’s little girl. My thoughts and my words are probably complete opposite of what you see and feel. My mind isn’t right and it’s hard to sleep I try to hide the pain, but my scars run deep. You’re just a baby who likes her Ellie the Elephant.
What DaDa really sees/feels….
I didn’t want to Wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. But instead I woke up into a nightmare.
Being Bipolar I share two addresses. Which one do I walk into daily? 1 Happy Road or 2 Depressing Drive. I want to play Hide n’ Seek with my daughter but just hide forever. The sad and lonely thoughts push me further away from family and friends. Push me back.
Tired of everyone telling me it will be OK when Life just throws me a KO. I wasn’t put here to be Depressed. I was created to be Victorious. H.O.P.E. – Hold On, Pain Ends. I’m Fine: Depressed but Not Defeated. Life: Today I’ll Look back and see all along I was blooming.
You know I Love and Cherish you. While you were still in your mom’s womb, I sung to you so you would know my voice. I can still feel your trusting body on my shoulder when, as an infant, you abandoned yourself in my arms in a peaceful slumber. Your little hands are still holding tightly to my pinkies as you were taking your first steps. You are, in my mind, the toddler running to the door joyfully screaming “Dada, Dada, Dada” when I come to pick you up from daycare.
As a first time father, I do my best to care for you, teach and guide you along life’s paths. I will make many mistakes because you are the guinea pig. But then, you will be a fine specimen and I do not have to deviate too much from the many books I read about parenting. Still, I have to gingerly walk through the years of teaching to put the values I consider important into your heart.
You are, beautiful inside and out. Your smile brings me overwhelming joy. Your sweetness melts my heart. Your laughs and cries light my world. I read that girls grow up confident and possess self-respect if their father showed them love constantly. For that reason, I stay by your side often to let you know that you are so loved that you don’t need to look for love elsewhere.
(An Open Letter)
It’s difficult being me. But we are one in the same. You can’t talk right now but your face says it all. You melt my heart and make daddy’s mental state disappear. Don’t get discouraged. My beloved pain and mental illness is part of life.
I promise you that I will turn every tear you’ve ever cried into Joy. I will use our pain for a divine purpose. Don’t ever try to hide your hurts from me and I will never hide mine to you. We are ONE. Your love is my love. Your pain is my pain. I’m the only one who can handle your heart ❤️ and restore you to health again.
As you grow older you will encounter pain, rejection and anger. I too, have felt but we will get through every trial and tribulation together. Hold my hand for I will ALWAYS lead you back to my place of peace and joy after the storm. The sun forever shines bright on you and our hearts will heal together.
My 🌹ose, my princess, when you go through deep rivers of difficultly, you will not drown because I’m there holding your head above water.
I’m your Dada, your King, and your Healer.
I Love You,