Struggle – Recovery – Journey

Let me start off by saying, if you’re reading this I love you. It is so easy for me to find the good in you and love you, especially when you may be having trouble loving yourself. When you’re having a hard time standing up on your own, I’ll find a way to help and lift you up. When my phone rings at any point of the day or through the night, I will answer it and listen to you. I may not have the words to make things better but I will continue to do the best I can to help you get you through whatever you’re dealing with. God gave me a gift of empathy, and I use it the best I can to help others. Thats how I cope, thats the only way that I know that I will be alright.

But, I can’t save you. I remember my last words and conversations to countless amounts of friends that have passed on. Great memories of times that we’ve shared. I can’t look back and say “what if…” The truth is life goes on. Tonight, somebody else may die. I can’t control that, no one can. I will continue to open my arms and stand on the firing line of recovery, with my friends that choose to walk this path with me. I will continue to get to know you, learn about the struggles you’ve overcome and the person you want to be. I will continue to suit up and show up for God, and for myself….because the truth is, we are fighting the same battle. I need you just as much as you need me. Give yourself a chance. Ask for help. WE don’t need to do this alone. 🙏🏽❤️

Family Ties

One thing I know about Pain is that it doesnt last forever. Another thing is that when you get over the pain, you learn from it. It makes you stronger. Always remember that. Take your best shot, it’s not going to hurt. I’m numb to the pain but I’m no longer on the percs.

My Mom still to this day, though she clean, I wish my momma never abused drugs. But the hurt is making me better with this gift of sobriety. My Dad is so naive to knowing he’s an addict. It’s just a constant reminder that I’m an addict and not afraid to admit it. My Sister was so unsuspecting how could an older sibling let me slip through the cracks? It’s ok sis it’s not your fault. My pain made us stronger. My smile no longer hides the demons.

Back before all the alcohol, drugs and addictions Charles reminded you of light trapped in light. He reminded you of the sun just night after night. He reminded you of life, how to smile when you’re down. How he grew up, his who, what, why’s, when’s, and how’s reminded you of happiness. He reminded you to be you and you haven’t had to remind him in a while. He reminded you of that one thing you could never get back…Time.

#GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

No Love Lost

Apologies to my Exes and women I womanized. No this isn’t my confessions. Sorry, just an appreciation of your time and investment, patience and efforts. Having you all was part of a blessing. You all belong on a pedestal. No hard feelings, no love lost. No bad blood, your love is a bad drug. But better to have love than no love at all.

Disciplining my habits, went distant on my attachments. I had to turn my presence to absence. Stuck in a cage, questioning the hours and days. I’m in my Depressional stage, my tunnel vision is starting to fade. I started to marry my thoughts, already engaged. Not knowing my next move had me going insane. I depended on Alcohol to get me over the pain. Praying my habit didn’t turn for the worst. It turned me to pills and cocaine. I won’t allow this temporary pain to turn to a stain.

I want to live but my joy for life is stuck in the grave. God I need you more than ever, I was hoping you came. I was so used to holding life in, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was misunderstood. Far from perfect, did a lot of stupid, crazy things I knew I shouldn’t. Ducking my demons but they coming back like a speeding bullet. My life is crazy out here, it’s like I love it and I hate it out here. I have to be mentally stable to know these 3 words…I Am Sorry.

❤️

Crooked Smiles

I’m cut from a different cloth. They love my sense of humor, say I’m a clown that’s why they stayed around. I went from class clown to being hopeless, lonely and down. I became an outcast in my own mind. Closet drinker to isolated drug user but this time in the moment I moved past that.

Friendships I thought I had, fizzled. I didn’t get angrier, but the chip on my shoulder did. If your not losing friends, your not growing up. Sobriety made me grow up so it comes with the territory I guess. They weren’t good for me anymore so I had to let Go.

My past can not be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased; it can only be accepted. I heal my past because I care about my future but I stay in the present one day at time to maintain my Recovery.

#OldVsNew #GoodVsEvil #DrunkVsSober

Gone Missing

Alcohol tells truth, but its truth is not normal. My road of lies were coming to an end but my final lie was my last, yet the most powerful. I left home on a Thursday morning and never returned home until Sunday night. I ignored calls/texts from my wife. In between those days were the darkest eye opening experiences. For I had succumbed to my insidious disease.

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My drunkenness was a temporary suicide. At some point, the booze stopped working. That’s when drinking started sucking. Every time I drank, I could feel pieces of me leaving. I continued to drink until there was nothing left. Just emptiness. No happiness. I last stood at the bar asking myself why am I here and what am I doing with my life Charles?

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I’ll always remember a friend saying to me “so you brought 10 grams of cocaine to a 6 person BBQ and you’re the only 1 that uses it here.” I laughed and realized at the same time I had a drug problem. I was drinking and drugging alone my final months that I didn’t even realize when I was around people that it was abnormal.

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One key symptom of alcoholism is that the individual comes to need a drink for every mood–one to calm down, one to perk up, one to celebrate, one to deal with disappointment, and so on. I combined all my addictions and my life became unmanageable.

#Missing #Loneliness #LiesAreAHandful #Recovery

Reflections

There are 3 things in life that leave and never return: Words, Time and Opportunities — Therefore, value whoever values you and don’t treat as a priority whoever treats you as an option.

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There are two ways to be happy: Change the situation or Change your mindset towards it. Today I’m happy to be happy. I lied to myself for far too long in which like any lie does, it spreads upon others.

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Be a reflection of what you’d like to see in others! If you want Love, give Love. If you want Honesty, give Honesty. If you want Respect, give Respect. You get in Return, what you Give.

#Change4Change #NoLies #ImSorry #Recovery