I found my Genie, she was hiding in the coke bottle shaped lines. Mind altering thoughts that intertwined with my moods. I went toe to toe, blow for blow that I became a competitive coke head going line for line. I was high all the time literally and figuratively, but the crash was gut-wrenching. I’m Numb.
I had that dope sick love, that dope sick hate. Talking a mile a minute, heart like speed racer to ending with shakes and sweats. How could you make me feel so low that I continued to snort so much to bring me back that high? You were so light but brought me heavy burden. You were so pure but polluted my body. Drip Drip.
The 2nd most addictive substance in the world and I mixed you with the 5th most: Alcohol. You two were peas in a pod. My Bonnie & Clyde. I needed my stimulant and my depressant to level myself out. You two were a bad mama jama. I took you for granted and became paralyzed to the disease. I’m blessed to be alive but forever a drug addict.
I am stronger than I think I am I am my biggest critic I am the worst writer I am the worst singer I am the worst nursing student I am a horrible friend I am a horrible father I am my own destruction I am my own murderer I am my own Anxiety I am my own problem I am not worthy I am a mess I am a failure I am this But I am okay I am successful I am organized I am the most worthy I am a solution I am a fixed mental disorder I am my savior I am my own builder I am a great father I am a best friend I am the best nursing student I am an amazing singer I am an astounding writer I am my biggest critic And I am stronger than I think I am I am whatever you say I am
We are still the children painting pictures to hang on the fridge, but now it’s too late to start over. Too late to pick a different color. Every stroke is a different future and every drop a different reality. The fridge is full of regrets and the temperature is rising. Ice cream trucks have become cop cars, Pixy Stix have become drug addictions, and riding your bike has become staying home and raging wars inside your head. We are still the children yelling sticks and stones may break my bones, but now we know words can always hurt you. We still want so desperately to make a genuine human connection, To belong. Like our first day of school. The only difference is that now we know the consequences.
My consequences were actions caused without reasons. Class clown all I ever cared about being. Follow the leader instead I was just the follower. I yearned to be the “cool” kid. I scream “fuck off” to those that tried to be an authority figure. Speeding down the highway, carelessly drunk and high off cocaine There’s no way the cops would ever stop me Drink after drink after drink. Slowly this was my demise. I had a choice to crash or pull over.
Charles wake up. Wake up! My life was on a crush course. But the child inside was hurt and all alone. Please show love and compassion for that’s the painting on the fridge.
I’m the most mentally flawed. You’re not even built to withstand all I’ve endured. You know shit about the thoughts in my head. Or the strength I need daily just to get out of bed. Just to open my eyes..blank stare.
I know recovered alcoholics with many years of sobriety; pick up a drink because they thought they could; simple as that. They didn’t know about the brain chemistry aspect of their disease and did not apply vigilance into their day to day activities. They are only one drink away from a drunk and yet, they think they can return to social drinking after a prolonged abstinence. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. You either an alcoholic or not an alcoholic and only you know the answer. You can be diagnosed an alcoholic but until you come to terms with the reason why you drink, you will drink again.
Daily drinking depletes the brain’s supplies of dopamine, gamma aminobutyric acid, opioid peptides and serotonin systems. These are chemicals that are responsible for our feelings of pleasure and well-being. Dopamine is responsible for the feelings of reward and satisfaction. Why do we drink? To feel satisfied or rewarded for a hard day’s work. That’s fine if you are a social drinker but deadly thinking if you are an alcoholic with no control over your behavior, once you ingest the first drink. It’s not the 5th or 6th drink that causes the compulsion; it’s the first drink that does the damage. Don’t pick up the first drink and you won’t get plastered.
Shit it’s hard being Bipolar but I wasn’t given a choice. I don’t wish or choose to be depressed today. My anxiety is through the roof and I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. Oh wait, does that add more jitters? I compare myself with my former self, not with others. I am a hard act to follow.
My mind is so deep that others would drown in. Don’t drown in my sorrow but acknowledge the cry for help. Who Am I? Why Me? Which of the Me’s is Me? I hate taking these medication pills to make me “feel”. I hate to feel so I take these medication pills. I guess that’s what they mean by feeling numb.
The rollercoaster phases of my day are intangible. You don’t know me. Honestly, I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t even really know myself half the time. It’s Charles hidden behind Charles. I’m the shadow chasing myself. But I don’t know how you do it?
Let’s skip the small talk and get right to the topic at hand. Mental Health remains a touchy subject stigmatized as a weakness and not as a disease.
I really know depression. I know coming outside when the sun is dark. I know sleeping in the bathtub when there’s no water running and just looking at the ceiling thinking. My mind is like a Rubik’s cube. I’m telling myself that it’s worse than what it really is. I’m telling myself the whole time, Hey Charles, you can get out of this! Charles, you know better. You know how to snap out of this. You’ve been through too much. Work, school, home doesn’t matter where I go depression is with you.
For me, sometimes depression is a season like it’s rainy and cold. But it’s just me being honest. I don’t feel like everybody is honest. That’s the vulnerability I choose to have. I embrace it. Depression tells me I suck but I reply back I’m not here because I fell down, I’m here because I got up. I don’t want any attention but I write because it’s therapeutic. Picture me fighting with myself or even worse when I was drinking. It hurts when I’m thinking because it’s me versus my personal demons. I yell be quiet to the voices screaming in my mind? I Am who I Am.
People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in all black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Depression is that hidden treasure chest waiting to be found and taken over with happiness.
The Worst part of Depression is People who don’t have It they just don’t get It. When I was in my deep dark place it was never talked about. I guess my depression just stepped in and took over shit like it’s known to do. Guess it said, Hey Charles, I’m going home with you. Turn your cellphone off, I need to be alone with you. You been with me since a teen, but you started to confuse me because it’s been so long and you are still trying to lose me. Used to it, me and depression been a tandem for years. How could you show me such hurt when everybody turns their back on me? It’s just you and me with the monsters in my head, lets reunite.
Doctors, meetings, pills couldn’t keep us apart
But now you got a cure and you wanna get rid of me. We are roommates, I’m in your head, Charles, you live with me. Tame me all you want, I’m at rest, maybe hibernating. But I’m forever there when you least expect. Don’t let me Go, Hold on for the ride. I bet that’s what you want DEPRESSION.
I’m not ok, but in the end I always am and that is what matters. Sometimes it feels like society says you should be always happy, and that showing your sadness is a sign of weakness. This is far from true – if you were to hold in all your sadness or anger you would explode. Asking the right questions but getting the wrong answers.
Come to grips that it isn’t so much the drugs but it’s my addict behavior. I feel so alone, I had a crew, but so what. Now when I needed them most guess who showed up? My mindset is so ill my therapist told me that the pills would fix it. I’m sick of being sick. It finally hurts. I won’t let this mental disease turn against me for the worst. I need to hit the pause button and start all over again.
When tomorrow comes I know it’s only due to yesterday. Most of my character defects have been put in my past. If you only see them now then you’re overlooking my path. If you knew about my pain and hardships it would speak for itself. Trust me. Being stuck in the moment of despair you’ve never lived my life so you can’t imagine how real it is. I never wish upon anyone to go through depression, panic attacks or substance abuse.
My Bipolar Disorder is like being on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I can predict the drop offs and other times I just have to hang on because the next turn sends me into an unexpected spiral. Sometimes I’m laughing and throwing my hands in the air and then other times I’m clinging, simply holding on for dear life screaming at the top of my lungs.
Having bipolar disorder does not mean you are broken, it means you are strong and brave for battling your mind every single day. I just have this happy personality and a sad soul in one body. It feels weird sometimes. I say I’m weird because I know I’m weird. I don’t have a problem with it because that’s me. Whoever doesn’t like it, they don’t have to be around me. I’m comfortable with me and who I am.
“If you’re always trying to be “Normal” you will never know how amazing you can be.” I am not normal. I am different, unique, strange, odd, weird, funny, kind, nice, nerdy…but I am not normal. I do not want to be normal. I share a common bond with those that have the same disorders as myself. I’m proud and not afraid. Keep Fighting.