Shit it’s hard being Bipolar but I wasn’t given a choice. I don’t wish or choose to be depressed today. My anxiety is through the roof and I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. Oh wait, does that add more jitters? I compare myself with my former self, not with others. I am a hard act to follow.
My mind is so deep that others would drown in. Don’t drown in my sorrow but acknowledge the cry for help. Who Am I? Why Me? Which of the Me’s is Me? I hate taking these medication pills to make me “feel”. I hate to feel so I take these medication pills. I guess that’s what they mean by feeling numb.
The rollercoaster phases of my day are intangible. You don’t know me. Honestly, I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t even really know myself half the time. It’s Charles hidden behind Charles. I’m the shadow chasing myself. But I don’t know how you do it?
Let’s skip the small talk and get right to the topic at hand. Mental Health remains a touchy subject stigmatized as a weakness and not as a disease.
I really know depression. I know coming outside when the sun is dark. I know sleeping in the bathtub when there’s no water running and just looking at the ceiling thinking. My mind is like a Rubik’s cube. I’m telling myself that it’s worse than what it really is. I’m telling myself the whole time, Hey Charles, you can get out of this! Charles, you know better. You know how to snap out of this. You’ve been through too much. Work, school, home doesn’t matter where I go depression is with you.
For me, sometimes depression is a season like it’s rainy and cold. But it’s just me being honest. I don’t feel like everybody is honest. That’s the vulnerability I choose to have. I embrace it. Depression tells me I suck but I reply back I’m not here because I fell down, I’m here because I got up. I don’t want any attention but I write because it’s therapeutic. Picture me fighting with myself or even worse when I was drinking. It hurts when I’m thinking because it’s me versus my personal demons. I yell be quiet to the voices screaming in my mind? I Am who I Am.
People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in all black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Depression is that hidden treasure chest waiting to be found and taken over with happiness.
The Worst part of Depression is People who don’t have It they just don’t get It. When I was in my deep dark place it was never talked about. I guess my depression just stepped in and took over shit like it’s known to do. Guess it said, Hey Charles, I’m going home with you. Turn your cellphone off, I need to be alone with you. You been with me since a teen, but you started to confuse me because it’s been so long and you are still trying to lose me. Used to it, me and depression been a tandem for years. How could you show me such hurt when everybody turns their back on me? It’s just you and me with the monsters in my head, lets reunite.
Doctors, meetings, pills couldn’t keep us apart
But now you got a cure and you wanna get rid of me. We are roommates, I’m in your head, Charles, you live with me. Tame me all you want, I’m at rest, maybe hibernating. But I’m forever there when you least expect. Don’t let me Go, Hold on for the ride. I bet that’s what you want DEPRESSION.
I can feel my mood dropping
It’s out of my control
I need to grab a handle either of a bottle
Or of my soul
I thought I left my past in the past essentially
Brain races so much I can’t erase memories
Laying in bed for days they won’t go away
If I stay there all day I know I’ll be okay
I’m trapped in these 4×4 walls
Voices in my head saying don’t pick up calls
Everything will be alright
Because no matter what
I’m a menace to my own insanity
Close eyes lock the doors throw away the key
I stand alone fighting this stigma’s exposure
Am I the only one who is Bipolar?
(Now read bottom up)
I’m not ok, but in the end I always am and that is what matters. Sometimes it feels like society says you should be always happy, and that showing your sadness is a sign of weakness. This is far from true – if you were to hold in all your sadness or anger you would explode. Asking the right questions but getting the wrong answers.
Come to grips that it isn’t so much the drugs but it’s my addict behavior. I feel so alone, I had a crew, but so what. Now when I needed them most guess who showed up? My mindset is so ill my therapist told me that the pills would fix it. I’m sick of being sick. It finally hurts. I won’t let this mental disease turn against me for the worst. I need to hit the pause button and start all over again.
When tomorrow comes I know it’s only due to yesterday. Most of my character defects have been put in my past. If you only see them now then you’re overlooking my path. If you knew about my pain and hardships it would speak for itself. Trust me. Being stuck in the moment of despair you’ve never lived my life so you can’t imagine how real it is. I never wish upon anyone to go through depression, panic attacks or substance abuse.
My Bipolar Disorder is like being on a roller coaster ride. Sometimes I can predict the drop offs and other times I just have to hang on because the next turn sends me into an unexpected spiral. Sometimes I’m laughing and throwing my hands in the air and then other times I’m clinging, simply holding on for dear life screaming at the top of my lungs.
Having bipolar disorder does not mean you are broken, it means you are strong and brave for battling your mind every single day. I just have this happy personality and a sad soul in one body. It feels weird sometimes. I say I’m weird because I know I’m weird. I don’t have a problem with it because that’s me. Whoever doesn’t like it, they don’t have to be around me. I’m comfortable with me and who I am.
“If you’re always trying to be “Normal” you will never know how amazing you can be.” I am not normal. I am different, unique, strange, odd, weird, funny, kind, nice, nerdy…but I am not normal. I do not want to be normal. I share a common bond with those that have the same disorders as myself. I’m proud and not afraid. Keep Fighting.