Hello Depression!

Let’s skip the small talk and get right to the topic at hand. Mental Health remains a touchy subject stigmatized as a weakness and not as a disease.
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I really know depression. I know coming outside when the sun is dark. I know sleeping in the bathtub when there’s no water running and just looking at the ceiling thinking. My mind is like a Rubik’s cube. I’m telling myself that it’s worse than what it really is. I’m telling myself the whole time, Hey Charles, you can get out of this! Charles, you know better. You know how to snap out of this. You’ve been through too much. Work, school, home doesn’t matter where I go depression is with you.
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For me, sometimes depression is a season like it’s rainy and cold. But it’s just me being honest. I don’t feel like everybody is honest. That’s the vulnerability I choose to have. I embrace it. Depression tells me I suck but I reply back I’m not here because I fell down, I’m here because I got up. I don’t want any attention but I write because it’s therapeutic. Picture me fighting with myself or even worse when I was drinking. It hurts when I’m thinking because it’s me versus my personal demons. I yell be quiet to the voices screaming in my mind? I Am who I Am.

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People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in all black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Depression is that hidden treasure chest waiting to be found and taken over with happiness.

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The Worst part of Depression is People who don’t have It they just don’t get It. When I was in my deep dark place it was never talked about. I guess my depression just stepped in and took over shit like it’s known to do. Guess it said, Hey Charles, I’m going home with you. Turn your cellphone off, I need to be alone with you. You been with me since a teen, but you started to confuse me because it’s been so long and you are still trying to lose me. Used to it, me and depression been a tandem for years. How could you show me such hurt when everybody turns their back on me? It’s just you and me with the monsters in my head, lets reunite.

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Doctors, meetings, pills couldn’t keep us apart

But now you got a cure and you wanna get rid of me. We are roommates, I’m in your head, Charles, you live with me. Tame me all you want, I’m at rest, maybe hibernating. But I’m forever there when you least expect. Don’t let me Go, Hold on for the ride. I bet that’s what you want DEPRESSION.

I’m Bipolar Too

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I’m Bipolar

I can feel my mood dropping

It’s out of my control

I need to grab a handle either of a bottle

Or of my soul

I thought I left my past in the past essentially

Brain races so much I can’t erase memories

Laying in bed for days they won’t go away

If I stay there all day I know I’ll be okay

I’m trapped in these 4×4 walls

Voices in my head saying don’t pick up calls

Everything will be alright

Because no matter what

I’m a menace to my own insanity

Close eyes lock the doors throw away the key

I stand alone fighting this stigma’s exposure

Am I the only one who is Bipolar?

(Now read bottom up)

My Anxieties have Anxieties

ANXIETY was when I cared too much about everything. There’s just so much going on in my mind, sometimes I can’t keep up with what’s going on in my mind. It’s like when you’re in a dream and you’re screaming but can’t make any noise. Instead of having your mind talk to you, talk to someone else that understands. That’s OK.

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ANXIETY is terrible, you could be having an attack and no one would even know, because it’s an inward thing. It feels like you’re malfunctioning and you can’t process your own thoughts. You get a knot in your stomach and you can’t take a full breath, but outwardly you can literally just sit there and look completely normal, as long as no one tries to speak to you. That’s OK.

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ANXIETY I realized today that I have stopped living life. I am literally just trying to get to the next day, just living in the thought of tomorrow. I am not living, I am waiting. And the trouble is, I don’t know what I am exactly waiting for. I am kind of scared for what it might be. Of course that’s the anxiety only talking. That’s OK.

#ANXIETY #ThatsOK

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth