Lost to Addiction

I had lost a whole decade to Addiction. Late nights into the early mornings, I was snorting Cocaine or Adderall alone or with others. Crushing pills or cutting cocaine was a pretty, mouth watering sight. I was looking down at a line of powder on the table. It was my second or third 8-ball of the night, at a time when I was snorting 20 or so lines in a day. With the dollar bill in my hand, I considered a couple of truths: I’d stolen the drugs from dealers; I’d eventually be caught; part of me wanted to be caught; part of me hoped I’d die before that happened.

“We really have a problem,” I said to myself. When things got really bad…when I couldn’t believe the things I was doing…I’d start referring to myself as a group.

I snorted each line. The burn felt like pain and ecstasy and shame. But no matter how high I’d get myself those days with the dripping sweat, heart jumping in my chest, and ringing in my ears, I couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness. And later in the evenings after b work, I’d start drinking whiskey to slow down my body. Rinse, lather, repeat.

It wasn’t always that bad. Like many addicts, things were great for a while. I’d spent a good five years clubbing and doing drugs casually; I was a weekend warrior, I was in my mid twenties, and I was thrilled. I thought I’d connected with people and there was something more real about being high than there was about not being high. But my drinking/drug life was incompatible with my work life. I couldn’t go out partying on Sunday night, coasting home at 2:00AM on Monday morning, and hope to be productive at work, though I tried. I remember one of these Mondays, falling asleep while a coworker was talking to me.

I had lost a whole decade to Addiction. Every aching year it progressed more and more until my brain was on overdrive. Addiction was Charles. Charles was Addiction. I couldn’t fathom a life without a substance in my system. I combined alcohol, drugs, gambling and sex mixed them all in a pot and the outcome was harmful.

#Destruction #Addiction

No Love Lost

Apologies to my Exes and women I womanized. No this isn’t my confessions. Sorry, just an appreciation of your time and investment, patience and efforts. Having you all was part of a blessing. You all belong on a pedestal. No hard feelings, no love lost. No bad blood, your love is a bad drug. But better to have love than no love at all.

Disciplining my habits, went distant on my attachments. I had to turn my presence to absence. Stuck in a cage, questioning the hours and days. I’m in my Depressional stage, my tunnel vision is starting to fade. I started to marry my thoughts, already engaged. Not knowing my next move had me going insane. I depended on Alcohol to get me over the pain. Praying my habit didn’t turn for the worst. It turned me to pills and cocaine. I won’t allow this temporary pain to turn to a stain.

I want to live but my joy for life is stuck in the grave. God I need you more than ever, I was hoping you came. I was so used to holding life in, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was misunderstood. Far from perfect, did a lot of stupid, crazy things I knew I shouldn’t. Ducking my demons but they coming back like a speeding bullet. My life is crazy out here, it’s like I love it and I hate it out here. I have to be mentally stable to know these 3 words…I Am Sorry.

❤️

Inspiration

My flaws aren’t hidden; I embrace my shortcomings. The good, the bad, and the ugly is what I’ve made the last 25 years impactful in the lives of others. I’ve seen a number of highs and lows, peaks and valleys, the brightest days and the darkest nights, and I wouldn’t change anything that has occurred on my long journey.

If you change one thing, everything else changes. If I change one thing then maybe I don’t get the lesson involved that God intended for me to learn. I can’t say I would have changed anything, I wish I was armed with more information in my 20’s, but that’s what our 20’s are for in my brain. Is to trial and error. To make mistakes and go get your own information so your 30’s can be a bit more pleasurable.

People are telling me I changed their entire life and helped them through a tough time. Or saved them from wanting to kill themselves at one point. Or wanting to put the drink down. How do you quantify that? But the feeling I get when I hear that from all of these people around me. I believe God works through people, that feeling I get knowing that God has used me to touch other people if there was a way to quantify that that’s what I would say.

🙏🙏🙏

The Real Me…

I’m constantly accomplishing all of my new accomplishments. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I haven’t really accomplished shit. Honestly it’s stressful. I got skeletons in my closet. I won’t say I’m trying to clean it up, maybe just sort it out. I’m sharing with you things that I thought about. Can’t stop dreaming about.

Hey Charles, how do I get these demons out? Voices in my head, I need to scream it out. Something has to give. You don’t get rid of your demons, you learn to live with them.

I lost many friends in as many weeks; From the same place I call home. My paranoia got me feeling obnoxious. But let me paint a different picture: I didn’t lose friends, I gained angels. So before bed I’m saying thank you. Be very careful about what you think. Your thoughts run your life. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies. Don’t ever say things that are not true. Who takes a bullet for you is not as important as the one who takes the bullet out of you. Never give up on me!

#KeepingItReal #ImMe

I’m a Warrior

Yes, I’m in Recovery. Because even today was hard, I’m still choosing to be here tomorrow. One must not forget that Recovery is brought upon not by the doctor, but by the sick individual themselves. We heal ourselves by our own power exactly as we walk by means of our own power, or eat, or think, breathe, or sleep.

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I am forever an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and never thought I turn out this way. All I was doing was smoking pot at first and drinking at parties. It couldn’t hurt. Only I found out later in life it can hurt. I was getting into fights. Black Outs. Womanizing. Then I started to get bored. That’s when the stronger drugs came onboard from Coke to Pills to just feeling weird. Life was a blur just waiting for the next high. I never thought I’d say goodbye.

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Goodbye to the all the darkness and anguish. Goodbye to all the false hopes alcohol and drugs promised me. Goodbye to those party goers and naysayers. Goodbye, goodbye, so long, farewell. But it’s not the end of the chapter. Bring on Year #4 …

#Stronger #Wiser #Healing #Recovery

My Recovery

This is to anyone whose hearts I shattered in active addictions:

Before I identified myself as an Alcoholic or a drug Addict, my view of any addiction consisted of dirty needles and DUIs and jails and drinking out of brown paper bags under bridges (Sure that wasn’t me). I pictured bruises on children’s’ faces after fathers would stumble in drunk and screaming at 3 AM, and families begging their loved ones just to “stop.” I didn’t understand how someone could “let themselves” get to that point. They didn’t care about their wives? Their husbands? Their children?

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Then I got drunk and high for the very first time. I felt peace like I had never known. The tornado in my head had finally ceased tossing words and time and emotions around, and I didn’t have to feel. I didn’t have to think about anything else, and I didn’t have to worry. I was no longer afraid.

Looking back, I know now I was an alcoholic and addict long before I picked up any drink or drug. My disease came from a hole inside of me, which I stuffed with thing after thing after thing and nothing was ever enough. Faster than I could have imagined, that wonderful feeling of being drunk and high became a necessity. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t eat, couldn’t LIVE without booze or drugs.

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The very things that were destroying me, that were eating my soul, were the things that seemed to be keeping me alive. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I doubted myself and my friends and lost trust in everyone and everything around me. I was underwater with a ball and chain around my foot, and my disease was at the bottom celebrating its’ new victory. I didn’t feel guilt about the things I was doing. I didn’t allow myself to because all I knew was chasing that next thrill and high. I hurt so many people, and most of all I hurt myself.

My addictions dragged me down faster than I ever thought something could. I didn’t catch it in time, or maybe I just didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. My disease convinced me that the hell I was living was better than even thinking about getting clean. And I believed my insidious disease. It became the only thing in my life that I trusted.

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When I went to rehab treatment I heard stories. I heard stories about people who had it so much harder than I did, and that they managed to stay clean for unfathomable amounts of time. I couldn’t hold together my first 22 hours, and this man/woman just celebrated 22 years of continuous sobriety ?! I couldn’t believe it. My path of becoming alive again, actually living, began right then and there. I didn’t know it yet, but the seed of hope had been planted.

#TheFactsOfLife #MyRecovery 🙏❤️

Breaking Point

(August 22, 2016) My Breaking Point to Surrender was in full effect. I was waking up feeling like death, shaking and craving Drugs/Alcohol just to function. Was lucky I didn’t have to be at work til 1:00pm. Sleep off the hangovers, continue to struggle at work and start destroying my body all over again immediately after work. Repeat.

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My wife was working her second job just to escape me. I looked at it as more time to party and less nagging to hear. Then the 2-3am calls/text came in asking me where I was, keeping her awake up all night angry, tired and worrying. I was distancing myself more and more away from her. She was coming between me and my addictions. Not realizing that I was dragging her through my own hell. I became a Monster.

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I was torn between wanting to continue this lifestyle which was spiraling downward fast with money loss, my health and my marriage. The other side of the brain (my addictions) was saying it’s ok I’m only harming myself and nobody else. I lacked emotions and feelings but a glimpse of HOPE for CHANGE was still there…almost…

#StartToSeeTheLight #SickAndTiredOfBeingSickAndTired #Recovery