Inspiration

My flaws aren’t hidden; I embrace my shortcomings. The good, the bad, and the ugly is what I’ve made the last 25 years impactful in the lives of others. I’ve seen a number of highs and lows, peaks and valleys, the brightest days and the darkest nights, and I wouldn’t change anything that has occurred on my long journey.

If you change one thing, everything else changes. If I change one thing then maybe I don’t get the lesson involved that God intended for me to learn. I can’t say I would have changed anything, I wish I was armed with more information in my 20’s, but that’s what our 20’s are for in my brain. Is to trial and error. To make mistakes and go get your own information so your 30’s can be a bit more pleasurable.

People are telling me I changed their entire life and helped them through a tough time. Or saved them from wanting to kill themselves at one point. Or wanting to put the drink down. How do you quantify that? But the feeling I get when I hear that from all of these people around me. I believe God works through people, that feeling I get knowing that God has used me to touch other people if there was a way to quantify that that’s what I would say.

🙏🙏🙏

Dear Self,

(An Open Letter)

Dear Self:

It’s me, You.

How have you been? You and I have been on quite a journey the past few years. We have hugged our knees praying, cried for hours till the tears dried, the throat hurt and the nose blocked, yet we continued crying. We have sat there on the shower floor, just in daze at that stormy situation that surrounded us. We have drank so much alcohol to numb that pain. That heart wrenching pain is real.

You and I, we also pushed ourselves to use different drugs and try different alcoholic beverages. I have seen you have everything you probably wanted. I have also seen you losing it all, suddenly and perhaps in a cruel way. Life is not a straight line, there are ups and downs. It is a series of twists and turns.

I am sorry for all those times where I wanted to tear you apart. I am sorry for all the times I let you hang your head down low, for all the times I let you win, and beat myself up because of those insecurities. I was not strong enough to encourage, support and appreciate you.

I know life has been tough for you the past few years but you have done quite a good job to stay alive. I have seen you plummet to the state of despair and depress. Thank you for not giving up. You know, I am extremely proud that you managed to survive through that suicide attempt. Depression and Mental illness is a struggle.

Have you noticed lately how much you have changed? I did. You have improved much more. You are now much confident to speak up on things on your mind and rise up to challenges. You are now able to sleep soundly without drugs or alcohol. You have a gorgeous daughter, who is thriving. She will benefit from all these lessons you are learning, so although it is a tremendous strain, remember she will learn from your strength to get through this.

As I am writing this letter, you have not fully figured out how your life will be yet. Let’s make a pact. Come back to re-read this letter 5 years later, and update me how you are doing. I truly hope that by that time, you have found your happiness and that you have followed a path that you are proud of. Remember, behind those dark clouds, the sun is still shining.

You have got through this far. Continue to be strong. Do not stop loving. Do not stop caring. You are always loved, by me. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am the tunnel.

Above all else, be true to Yourself.

Hugs & Kisses

Love you,

Me

Crooked Smiles

I’m cut from a different cloth. They love my sense of humor, say I’m a clown that’s why they stayed around. I went from class clown to being hopeless, lonely and down. I became an outcast in my own mind. Closet drinker to isolated drug user but this time in the moment I moved past that.

Friendships I thought I had, fizzled. I didn’t get angrier, but the chip on my shoulder did. If your not losing friends, your not growing up. Sobriety made me grow up so it comes with the territory I guess. They weren’t good for me anymore so I had to let Go.

My past can not be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased; it can only be accepted. I heal my past because I care about my future but I stay in the present one day at time to maintain my Recovery.

#OldVsNew #GoodVsEvil #DrunkVsSober

The Real Me…

I’m constantly accomplishing all of my new accomplishments. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I haven’t really accomplished shit. Honestly it’s stressful. I got skeletons in my closet. I won’t say I’m trying to clean it up, maybe just sort it out. I’m sharing with you things that I thought about. Can’t stop dreaming about.

Hey Charles, how do I get these demons out? Voices in my head, I need to scream it out. Something has to give. You don’t get rid of your demons, you learn to live with them.

I lost many friends in as many weeks; From the same place I call home. My paranoia got me feeling obnoxious. But let me paint a different picture: I didn’t lose friends, I gained angels. So before bed I’m saying thank you. Be very careful about what you think. Your thoughts run your life. Don’t use your mouth to tell lies. Don’t ever say things that are not true. Who takes a bullet for you is not as important as the one who takes the bullet out of you. Never give up on me!

#KeepingItReal #ImMe

I’m Alive…

I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

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They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. On September 19, 2017 my facebook post was subliminally a cry for help. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.

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I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. The following week on September 26, 2017 my wife approached me and said she was Pregnant. WOW. They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.

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Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bi-polar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

#DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery

I’m Fine…

I tell others that they are beautiful,

As I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do.

I am always there for everyone as I know how it feels to be alone.

The thing about Depression is that it’s just not being sad.

It is not temporary dark days or monsters on my back.

It is waking up every day and finding nothing exciting.

It is not distancing myself from friends and family.

It is constantly wondering if my problems are real.

Yes, it is a monster, but without the horrible face and the ugly claws.

It is in my thoughts, analyzing every step when the probability of it happening is zero.

It is not a one-day emotion; it is months of feeling numb.

It is being scared to feel too much.

It is being afraid to not feel anything.

It is believing that I don’t deserve to be happy.

And it’s hating myself for not getting better.

Yes, it is all in my head.

This is why depression is not a “Get Well Soon” card illness.

Trapped in my own mind, not scared of death anymore.

A battle against my own self, drowning every day.

But never to be saved.

The soul is dead but the body lives on.

I’m sick of my own thoughts and my thoughts are sick.

What Am I : I Am Depressed.

I’m a Warrior

Yes, I’m in Recovery. Because even today was hard, I’m still choosing to be here tomorrow. One must not forget that Recovery is brought upon not by the doctor, but by the sick individual themselves. We heal ourselves by our own power exactly as we walk by means of our own power, or eat, or think, breathe, or sleep.

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I am forever an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and never thought I turn out this way. All I was doing was smoking pot at first and drinking at parties. It couldn’t hurt. Only I found out later in life it can hurt. I was getting into fights. Black Outs. Womanizing. Then I started to get bored. That’s when the stronger drugs came onboard from Coke to Pills to just feeling weird. Life was a blur just waiting for the next high. I never thought I’d say goodbye.

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Goodbye to the all the darkness and anguish. Goodbye to all the false hopes alcohol and drugs promised me. Goodbye to those party goers and naysayers. Goodbye, goodbye, so long, farewell. But it’s not the end of the chapter. Bring on Year #4 …

#Stronger #Wiser #Healing #Recovery