Category: Uncategorized

DaDa Look into my Eyes

DADA Look into my eyes and tell me what it is you see (Could you tell me what I see?)

I wish I knew what you saw or how u felt? Are things black and white? Am I just a tall figure that walks by you and you just smile saying Da Da? Do you know when I’m sad because I’m to depressed to play with you and your toys? Does your crying trigger me of repressed childhood memories? How come you learn ABCs but I attend AA, NA and GA meetings.

I smile, you smile. I laugh, you laugh. I cry, you smile. You cry, I worry. No spoken words between us yet we bond like no other. You’re forever Daddy’s little girl. My thoughts and my words are probably complete opposite of what you see and feel. My mind isn’t right and it’s hard to sleep I try to hide the pain, but my scars run deep. You’re just a baby who likes her Ellie the Elephant.

What DaDa really sees/feels….

I didn’t want to Wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. But instead I woke up into a nightmare.

Being Bipolar I share two addresses. Which one do I walk into daily? 1 Happy Road or 2 Depressing Drive. I want to play Hide n’ Seek with my daughter but just hide forever. The sad and lonely thoughts push me further away from family and friends. Push me back.

Tired of everyone telling me it will be OK when Life just throws me a KO. I wasn’t put here to be Depressed. I was created to be Victorious. H.O.P.E. – Hold On, Pain Ends. I’m Fine: Depressed but Not Defeated. Life: Today I’ll Look back and see all along I was blooming.

#NoWorriesNoCry.

🎧 Music Saved My Life! 🎧

🎧 Music Saved My Life! 🎧

Notorious B.I.G. spoke to me when he said It Was All A Dream on “Juicy”. Wu-Tang Clan taught me at 10 years old to “Protect Ya Neck”. My first cd 💿 purchased was Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” as I began walking through the valley of the shadows of death. Bone Thugs N’ Harmony only left Charles at life’s “Crossroads”. P.O.D. paved my way of being the “Youth of a Nation”. As I grew older Nirvana made me rebel, “Smells like Teen Spirit”. Eminem knew me to well when I was at my “Rock Bottom” but I will never fail “Til I Collapse”. DMX how did you know my path was “Dark and Hell is Hot”? Snoop Dogg knew I liked to sip on “Gin and Juice” but Tool told me it was time to get “Sober”. Metallica had me wake up with nightmares after watching “Enter Sandman”.

Fabolous told me just “Breathe”. Mobb Deep calmed me down with the “Quiet Storm”. Prince, I guess this is how it sounds like “When Doves Cry”. Bruce Springsteen screamed it best, I was “Born in the U.S.A. But Clint Mansell showed me I was living in a “Requiem for a Dream”. I began smoking “Purple Haze” while listening to Jimi Hendrix. Cassidy had me crushing “My drink N’ my 2 Step”. But Billy Joel said they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness. But it’s better than drinking alone as I slur “Piano Man”. I was sloppy drunk when I played “Musical Chairs” with Raw Commitee and my 2.0 Boys. I’m “Uncomfortably Numb” while “Crawling” in my own skin thanks to Pink Floyd and Linkin Park. Jay-Z designed the “Blueprint” how my life shaped up. Change will come “If I Ruled the World” just as Nas envisioned.

Hey Kanye, women hate me because I was “Heartless”. Kings of Leon told me their “Sex is on Fire”. I’ll leave my past in the past I’m no Big Pun “Still Not a Player”. I believed Papa Roach this is my “Last Resort”. How could I have “Fallin” Alicia Keys? Evanescence answered my prayers to “Bring Me Back to Life”. Where was Lil Wayne’s head at to make “I Feel Like Dying”? Breaking Benjamin must know because we’re “So Cold”. Keith Urban I won’t take my own life because I’m a “Fighter”. 50 Cent had me on the ledge so “Don’t Push Me”. This wasn’t my “End of the Road” after hearing Boyz II Men sing. “Blessed the Broken Road” that lead me straight to Rascal Flatts. I’m alive Rick Ross because everyday I’m “Hustlin” to make it happen one day at a time. I was directed to throw dem bows by Ludacris so you better “Roll Out”. So everybody “Get Your Roll On” because we got Big Tymers in the house. Andele andale moma “E.I. E.I.” uh oh Nelly what’s poppin tonight? Don Omar got me salsa dancing to that “Danza Kuduro”💃 oi, oi, oi. This all might seem foreign but its my “Ebonics” throw one up for Big L. If you don’t act right there will be “Big Things Poppin” ain’t that right T.I.

My musical idol Joe Budden rapped about being suicidal like me because we’re “Only Human”. When I stopped drinking and drugging I thought that was my “Downfall”. The struggle is real Michael Jackson told me just “Beat It”. I once was the life of the party with “All Eyez on Me”, a social butterfly like 2pac. Slaughterhouse handed me a “Microphone” to spread inspiration and hope. I don’t need the “Money, Power, Respect the Lox once said I needed. I changed my life around because I didn’t want to live “Under the Bridge” in a “Cardboard Box” kudos to Red Hot Chili Peppers and ANoyd for showing me a way out. The Fugees asked me am I “Ready or Not”? There’s also love around me Phil Collins I can feel it “In the Air Tonight”. I love my daughter so much Will Smith showed me it’s “Just the Two of Us”. Live today like its your last because Usher said just take it “Nice & Slow”. Drake and Weeknd Take Care and thanks for reading this was for my “Crew Love”.

Keep listening to Music on those Beats by Dre 🎧

Lost to Addiction

I had lost a whole decade to Addiction. Late nights into the early mornings, I was snorting Cocaine or Adderall alone or with others. Crushing pills or cutting cocaine was a pretty, mouth watering sight. I was looking down at a line of powder on the table. It was my second or third 8-ball of the night, at a time when I was snorting 20 or so lines in a day. With the dollar bill in my hand, I considered a couple of truths: I’d stolen the drugs from dealers; I’d eventually be caught; part of me wanted to be caught; part of me hoped I’d die before that happened.

“We really have a problem,” I said to myself. When things got really bad…when I couldn’t believe the things I was doing…I’d start referring to myself as a group.

I snorted each line. The burn felt like pain and ecstasy and shame. But no matter how high I’d get myself those days with the dripping sweat, heart jumping in my chest, and ringing in my ears, I couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness. And later in the evenings after b work, I’d start drinking whiskey to slow down my body. Rinse, lather, repeat.

It wasn’t always that bad. Like many addicts, things were great for a while. I’d spent a good five years clubbing and doing drugs casually; I was a weekend warrior, I was in my mid twenties, and I was thrilled. I thought I’d connected with people and there was something more real about being high than there was about not being high. But my drinking/drug life was incompatible with my work life. I couldn’t go out partying on Sunday night, coasting home at 2:00AM on Monday morning, and hope to be productive at work, though I tried. I remember one of these Mondays, falling asleep while a coworker was talking to me.

I had lost a whole decade to Addiction. Every aching year it progressed more and more until my brain was on overdrive. Addiction was Charles. Charles was Addiction. I couldn’t fathom a life without a substance in my system. I combined alcohol, drugs, gambling and sex mixed them all in a pot and the outcome was harmful.

#Destruction #Addiction

No Love Lost

Apologies to my Exes and women I womanized. No this isn’t my confessions. Sorry, just an appreciation of your time and investment, patience and efforts. Having you all was part of a blessing. You all belong on a pedestal. No hard feelings, no love lost. No bad blood, your love is a bad drug. But better to have love than no love at all.

Disciplining my habits, went distant on my attachments. I had to turn my presence to absence. Stuck in a cage, questioning the hours and days. I’m in my Depressional stage, my tunnel vision is starting to fade. I started to marry my thoughts, already engaged. Not knowing my next move had me going insane. I depended on Alcohol to get me over the pain. Praying my habit didn’t turn for the worst. It turned me to pills and cocaine. I won’t allow this temporary pain to turn to a stain.

I want to live but my joy for life is stuck in the grave. God I need you more than ever, I was hoping you came. I was so used to holding life in, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was misunderstood. Far from perfect, did a lot of stupid, crazy things I knew I shouldn’t. Ducking my demons but they coming back like a speeding bullet. My life is crazy out here, it’s like I love it and I hate it out here. I have to be mentally stable to know these 3 words…I Am Sorry.

❤️

Inspiration

My flaws aren’t hidden; I embrace my shortcomings. The good, the bad, and the ugly is what I’ve made the last 25 years impactful in the lives of others. I’ve seen a number of highs and lows, peaks and valleys, the brightest days and the darkest nights, and I wouldn’t change anything that has occurred on my long journey.

If you change one thing, everything else changes. If I change one thing then maybe I don’t get the lesson involved that God intended for me to learn. I can’t say I would have changed anything, I wish I was armed with more information in my 20’s, but that’s what our 20’s are for in my brain. Is to trial and error. To make mistakes and go get your own information so your 30’s can be a bit more pleasurable.

People are telling me I changed their entire life and helped them through a tough time. Or saved them from wanting to kill themselves at one point. Or wanting to put the drink down. How do you quantify that? But the feeling I get when I hear that from all of these people around me. I believe God works through people, that feeling I get knowing that God has used me to touch other people if there was a way to quantify that that’s what I would say.

🙏🙏🙏

Dear Self,

(An Open Letter)

Dear Self:

It’s me, You.

How have you been? You and I have been on quite a journey the past few years. We have hugged our knees praying, cried for hours till the tears dried, the throat hurt and the nose blocked, yet we continued crying. We have sat there on the shower floor, just in daze at that stormy situation that surrounded us. We have drank so much alcohol to numb that pain. That heart wrenching pain is real.

You and I, we also pushed ourselves to use different drugs and try different alcoholic beverages. I have seen you have everything you probably wanted. I have also seen you losing it all, suddenly and perhaps in a cruel way. Life is not a straight line, there are ups and downs. It is a series of twists and turns.

I am sorry for all those times where I wanted to tear you apart. I am sorry for all the times I let you hang your head down low, for all the times I let you win, and beat myself up because of those insecurities. I was not strong enough to encourage, support and appreciate you.

I know life has been tough for you the past few years but you have done quite a good job to stay alive. I have seen you plummet to the state of despair and depress. Thank you for not giving up. You know, I am extremely proud that you managed to survive through that suicide attempt. Depression and Mental illness is a struggle.

Have you noticed lately how much you have changed? I did. You have improved much more. You are now much confident to speak up on things on your mind and rise up to challenges. You are now able to sleep soundly without drugs or alcohol. You have a gorgeous daughter, who is thriving. She will benefit from all these lessons you are learning, so although it is a tremendous strain, remember she will learn from your strength to get through this.

As I am writing this letter, you have not fully figured out how your life will be yet. Let’s make a pact. Come back to re-read this letter 5 years later, and update me how you are doing. I truly hope that by that time, you have found your happiness and that you have followed a path that you are proud of. Remember, behind those dark clouds, the sun is still shining.

You have got through this far. Continue to be strong. Do not stop loving. Do not stop caring. You are always loved, by me. I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am the tunnel.

Above all else, be true to Yourself.

Hugs & Kisses

Love you,

Me

Crooked Smiles

I’m cut from a different cloth. They love my sense of humor, say I’m a clown that’s why they stayed around. I went from class clown to being hopeless, lonely and down. I became an outcast in my own mind. Closet drinker to isolated drug user but this time in the moment I moved past that.

Friendships I thought I had, fizzled. I didn’t get angrier, but the chip on my shoulder did. If your not losing friends, your not growing up. Sobriety made me grow up so it comes with the territory I guess. They weren’t good for me anymore so I had to let Go.

My past can not be changed, forgotten, edited, or erased; it can only be accepted. I heal my past because I care about my future but I stay in the present one day at time to maintain my Recovery.

#OldVsNew #GoodVsEvil #DrunkVsSober