Category: Uncategorized

Addictions

I’m an Addict:

Addiction,
call it an affliction,
mental conflictions,
avoiding true connections.

There’s 12 Steps,
AA, NA, GA, SA,
Wait! Don’t forget once upon a time CoDA!
Being addicted is in my DNA

Drinking, drugging,
eating, vomiting,
gambling, spending, sexting,
enough to say,
“Hey, stop what you are doing!”

There’s intensive outpatient,
extensive in-patient,
clinical treatments,
and yoga spa relievements?

No matter what you decide,
find a sponsor, grow and be wise.
the key to all this, is intimacy
otherwise known as
“into-me-you-see?!”

You go deep, share your troubles,
call a friend, escape your bubble.
progress not perfection,
no room for uprising insurrection.

Stay clean! Stay clean! Stay clean!
One day, two days,
three days to four,
count them up, before you know it,
you’ll have lot more.

Sobriety though,
not just a number,
otherwise stopping a behavior,
gonna feel like a bummer.

Life’s been hard,
I’ll give you that,
getting used, abused, accused,
you’re no longer amused,
or is that confused?

You can turn to God,
or turn back to booze, gambling or dope,
turn to your Higher Power,
to help you cope.

This journey is long and some may stray,
others could leave you,
but as my therapist will say,
“Don’t worry Charles, you’ll be okay.”

GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

My Baby Boy!!!

Quentin Rexford King 🤴🏽—

Your baby hand:
so strong, so small.
Your fragile head;
I won’t let you fall.

Your eyes are closed,
and you’re asleep;
yet you are perfect
from hair to feet.

Come, open your eyes!
I want to see if they are brown or blue.
Open your eyes
to see me say, “I love you.”

I saw you when you
were few hours old,
wrapped in a blanket
so you would’t get cold.

Little baby Quentin,
I’ll always be with you.
Little baby Quentin,
I’ll always love you. ❤️

You’re My Baby Boy!!!

Mr. King

ADDICTION: Hey there old friend. Maybe friend isn’t the correct term, so allow me to rephrase. Hello old habit. You and me were best friends. We were the Bert and Ernie of our time and yes we flew over the cliff and plunged into the abyss. I was sick and I only needed you. No chicken soup could cure this sickness. I thought you were all the antibiotics I needed. You and me were married once. I woke up to you, thought about you all day long, and rushed you into my arms at night. But that was just the honeymoon phase.

My friend, my disease. I was in it not for the thrill of the chase but for the end of my pain. When I was with you I saw my dreams come true. Pigs were flying, so I thought. I didn’t have to believe I was dying. I didn’t have to care about Mom, Dad, and anyone that showed me love. I avoided all and many. I only cared about cutting the perfect line, rolling a perfect dime, and making sure I didn’t look high. If I said I didn’t miss you I would be lying but hey, you’ve made a liar out of me before.

It’s easy to try and ignore the hell you put me through, but I would walk a thousand miles of hells seventh floor before I slip back into that fantasy. That coma of things that have never been and could never not be. Me and the devil have danced nine times to many and I know all his sweet moves. The devil put me in a checkmate I never saw coming.

My friend, my affliction, Kryptonite doesn’t have a damn thing on you! You kept me down for years and years and years. Only down was up and up was blue and it was way to difficult to stop believing in you. Believing you were better than real love. I loved you so much. You were my sweetheart, my carebear, my snow white, my green sticky icky, my pill kill, my daily fix. But you can’t fix this! You can’t fix my past or make my future bright. I know I sound like I’ve suddenly seen the light but it was always there. I just chose to close my eyes.

My friend I think it’s best we stop playing this game. It’s time I call you by your true name. ADDICTION, you were never my friend only another bullet I’d bitten. ADDICTION you are my cancer, you may not be stage four but you’re still terminal. You were the Woody to my Buzz Lightyear. Only now if I am driven to the edge of insanity I’ll skid to a stop. I will watch as you fall over the edge, and I’ll smile as you dive into oblivion. A place I never ever ever ever again want to be.

ADDICTION

#GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

Have You Seen Him?

You’ve seen him
the way his hat hangs low
new, blue and straight brimmed
clean-cut, clean-shaven
and those eyes
large and bright
dark brown, framed perfectly
with a thick, dark fringe
his mouth
usually curved in a smile
or open with a laugh
his ears
shining with diamond earrings
or his arms
thin, dark and toned
but secretly strong
your eyes have wandered
over his average, muscular body
you’ve seen the way he walks
with confidence and purpose
fast, with long strides

You think you’ve memorized the image of him
but

Have you seen?
the scars that crisscross his wrists
once red and dripping
now thin white slivers
the dark circles under his eyes
heavy with lost sleep
the same eyes once full
of hope and wonder
now swollen
red from a long night
of silent tears
ribs sticking out
no fat to be tugged on
or what about
the curves of his cheeks
tear-stained and sucken
his long fingers
intertwining in and out of themselves
over and over again
when he needs to feel grounded
and the way he spins his Jesus piece chain
back and forth on his chest
when he can’t find the words
how his strong legs shake
when the Anxiety consumes him.

So are you sure you’ve memorized his image?

Look again
please, look again
because he is waiting
for one person
just one person
to notice
how much he’s struggling
I promise you
you have not seen
all there is to him
there is more
that lies underneath the surface
if only someone would see it

Have You Seen Him?

Flawed

I’m the most mentally flawed.
You’re not even built to withstand all I’ve endured. You know shit about the thoughts in my head. Or the strength I need daily just to get out of bed. Just to open my eyes..blank stare.

I know recovered alcoholics with many years of sobriety; pick up a drink because they thought they could; simple as that. They didn’t know about the brain chemistry aspect of their disease and did not apply vigilance into their day to day activities. They are only one drink away from a drunk and yet, they think they can return to social drinking after a prolonged abstinence. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. You either an alcoholic or not an alcoholic and only you know the answer. You can be diagnosed an alcoholic but until you come to terms with the reason why you drink, you will drink again.

Daily drinking depletes the brain’s supplies of dopamine, gamma aminobutyric acid, opioid peptides and serotonin systems. These are chemicals that are responsible for our feelings of pleasure and well-being. Dopamine is responsible for the feelings of reward and satisfaction. Why do we drink? To feel satisfied or rewarded for a hard day’s work. That’s fine if you are a social drinker but deadly thinking if you are an alcoholic with no control over your behavior, once you ingest the first drink. It’s not the 5th or 6th drink that causes the compulsion; it’s the first drink that does the damage. Don’t pick up the first drink and you won’t get plastered.

#ChemicallyImbalanced #FlawedSinceBirth

This is Me…Bipolar

Shit it’s hard being Bipolar but I wasn’t given a choice. I don’t wish or choose to be depressed today. My anxiety is through the roof and I haven’t had my morning coffee yet. Oh wait, does that add more jitters? I compare myself with my former self, not with others. I am a hard act to follow.

My mind is so deep that others would drown in. Don’t drown in my sorrow but acknowledge the cry for help. Who Am I? Why Me? Which of the Me’s is Me? I hate taking these medication pills to make me “feel”. I hate to feel so I take these medication pills. I guess that’s what they mean by feeling numb.

The rollercoaster phases of my day are intangible. You don’t know me. Honestly, I can’t say that I blame you. I don’t even really know myself half the time. It’s Charles hidden behind Charles. I’m the shadow chasing myself. But I don’t know how you do it?

#LifeOnLifesTerms #Bipolar

Love Affair

I’ve been strong for far too long. I just couldn’t keep the pace. I’ve been carrying on, driving down the same old streets. I’m losing faith, starting to lose face. Seems it’s the same from day-to-day, seems nothing ever changes. I’ve nothing left to lose, there’s nothing left to gain. I’m all out of things to say. The drugs only kill the pain for just so long, just one more line. I think, and I’ll be able to go on. I’ve run out of money, I’m down to my last shot of whiskey. I know if I keep this up this lifestyle will kill me. I think I NEED HELP.

Hold me close, don’t let me go. I find myself becoming my own worst enemy. Hold me tight, don’t let my mind take flight. It’s getting harder for me to breathe. I need a helping hand, someone to save me from myself, because I don’t think I can, and I don’t know how much more I can stand. I feel I’ve lost my mind, all concepts of time, I go to extremes just to unwind. I think I NEED HELP.

I’m sorry if my words have brought you down, it seems like you’re always around, for the good and the bad days, when I’m feeling crazy, a touch insane. You get it all, the best of me and the worst of me, now that I’m down on my knees, crying please, I realize it’s you who whispers to me calmly, soothing away the misery. It’s you who makes me want to straighten out to get clean and sober. I know there’s a better way to ease my pain. I don’t need alcohol or drugs to make myself feel sane, I have you to brighten those darker days. I GOT HELP.

— Charles King — GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

#LoveInAllTheWrongPlaces