Category: Uncategorized

My Life

Charles’ Life :

Born of a minority race
Adorned of comments and nitpicking
You grow a thick skin when subjected to
Adolescent Bullying

Spitting image of a Drug Abuser
Mother couldn’t take it
Flashbacks to days of running
Sounds of yelling and bones breaking

In my Father’s Absence,
I’ve had to pick myself up and dust myself off
In my mother’s presence
I’ve held back tears until she was gone

Forgive me if I guard myself
You can’t trust anyone these days
Because the one man who was first supposed to love me
Was the first to walk away

My self esteem is depleted
Swallow pills for my underlying demons
I host a Chronic Depression
Voices shut out hopeful reasoning

My moods are Biploar
In a good scenario, my sanity is within reach
But my rainy days are scattered
Let alone converse, sometimes I’m scared to speak

I’m not a lonesome person
I tend to travel with my own company
Say I smile and laugh
But I’m Depressed underneath

Cherry this on top
Sometimes conscience and voices collide
When words turn to cuts and cuts turn to scars
Scars on my skin that I can’t hide

When ears grow weary
And shoulders grow cold
People only care so much
My grievances grow old

When your words are singular
And your thoughts are priceless
Experience is golden
Lessons gained from the mindless

Pen and paper that provides release
Marvel at the pains of the artist
Each stroke …. a sentence
Every creation … a Catharsis

Grown from lines into my nose
To lines on a paper
From internal damning
To differential prayers

Because the words on these pages
These words I’ve spent years writing
Are the lessons life’s taught
The morals life’s written inside me.

You Matter ;

I’m Sick

I’m Sick and Tired of hiding these scars.
I’m sick and tired of dreaming about being hit by cars.
I’m sick and tired of lying.
I’m sick and tired of going to bed crying.
But most of all I’m just tired…Goodbye.

I’m tired of feeling numb.
I’m tired of being sick,
I’m tired of people calling me dumb,
Just to get a kick (in the gut).

Stop the Stigma, Break the Silence,
The answer will never be to scare them with violence.
Speak UP, Speak OUT,
Let’s show what MENTAL ILLNESS is all about.

We fight everyday but try our best to love life anyway,
We’re the artists, the outcasts and the misfits,
The dreamers and the movers,
The believers and the doers,
Not our faulty genetics or traumatizing pasts.
Let’s create a change that will last.

Stop the Stigma, Break the Silence,
End the Violence.

Hi, I’m Charles and
I’m Sick and Tired!

;

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Sober Thoughts…

This ain’t even like sober thoughts.
This is like Charles’ thoughts. It’s like really real shit.

Smoking and drinking, drinking and smoking.
Hoping for hope, but I’m hopeless.
Too much distractions, I’m losing my focus
Too much pain, can barely notice the beauty of things.
Too much mental commotion.
I’m trying to get back to the way I was.
I’m tired of escaping, I’m tired of the drugs.
I be having these relations but hiding my love (damn).
And instead of chasing, I’m like, “That coke is a dub”.
Oh, feeling the need to keep my heart on freeze.
Suffocating my feelings, instead of letting them breathe.
Knowing I’m hurting inside but act like shit is a breeze.
Because my heart is too heavy to wear that shit on my sleeve.
I stand tall, but I sit on that throne like a King
Praying is the only time I ever get on my knees.
Get these evil thoughts out of my fucking head.
It ain’t normal when you gotta bring your crazy mind to bed.

Told my friends to pray for me because I’m losing it (pray for me).
Ain’t just drinking the Henny now, I’m abusing it (damn).
I don’t even get a buzz because I’m used to it.
In other words, I feel numb, I’m immune to it.
The relationship with my Father ain’t been good lately.
That’s probably why I’m always fighting with my old man.
Mentally been on my own lately.
Man, y’all don’t know lately.
I kinda been out of my zone lately.
Writers block No new posts lately, ain’t been on Facebook lately.
Wish getting high because I’ve been low lately.
All this COVID shit, I’m over it.
This new election, I don’t know with it.
I’m kind of skeptical.
But this America, you gotta
Shut up and go with it.
The government, ain’t no controlling it.

Circle getting smaller, money getting taller.
Fuck who you are, I’m judging you by your aura.
No doorman, it’s King Charles who open doors up.
I built my brand from the floor up.
Came from the bottom, made some hundreds then I doubled my commas.
Went from wearing white tees, to cashing out on designers.
But still rock white tees, still humble, I promise.
But I’m all about that green like Hennessy and Hpnotiq.
I’m like incredible Hulk when I’m walking.
If you talk about me when I see you, ain’t no talking.
I had a heart, then I lost it, I’ve been hurt too often.
Playing defense with my heart, no more playing offense.
God first, I can’t let the Devil get to me.
I will never change if I keep drinking this Hennessy.
But I would never lose, because I know this shit was meant for me.
This the realist shit I ever wrote.
If I don’t say it in my writings, you would never know me as the Goat.

Suicide Prevention

4 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.

I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.

Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

#SuicidePrevention

#mentalhealthawarenessmonth

Substances

The suppression of my darkness and my shadow self-came to a head almost 5 years ago as I found myself toeing the line between life and death as I battled Alcoholism and Drug Addiction. For me, my addictions became the band-aids for the deep bleeding wounds I had been suppressing and denying my whole life.

I was playing with fire. The fire of Alcoholism and Drug Addiction. I was miserable, hopeless, discontent, angry, and bitter. And I really just wanted to be numb because I saw no way out of the hole I was living in. I was living on the outskirts of society, and I was closer to death than I was to being alive. My mental illness was mixed with my addictions that I was a walking torch.

I was in agony and I couldn’t admit it. See, I had spent most of my life in pain that I couldn’t talk about, and this was the culmination of years of stuffing my feelings, ignoring my emotions, and blocking the flow of energy within me. I was suffering from a massive disconnect from my soul which resulted in my utter inability to connect with those around me.

#SubstanceAbuseDisorder

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Fight

Day 1702…I suffer from Mental Illness:

I stand in the shower head against the tile wondering is my life worth living. The water turns from hot to ice cold down the drain spinning. Why Me? Why Me? Why Me? I want to be “normal”. I want thoughts of better days but that’s impossible when my mind is a dead end maze. I’m good one minute, psycho the next. Ohh Hello BI-POLAR you came out to play. Is this just a brief stop or you deciding to stay. Come along the ride with DEPRESSION and pick up ANXIETY while you are at it. A MANIC trio on a road of disaster. Charles take these HAPPY pills it will swallow the pain and agony but in reality I’m swallowed whole grasping for air. I see a little light…HOPE.

I am not ashamed to say it. It’s the Stigma that shames us all. Just thankful to shed some light upon my darkest hours. We scroll up and down Facebook overlooking the underlying issues of one in danger or seeking help.

There’s only One that Sees and Hears the Pain We Hide From Others. A tear is made of 1% water and 99% feelings. Sometimes sad memories sneak out my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I hide behind my smile and laughter that it breaks my heart and I’m falling apart. Behind my brown eyes are so many hidden tears and behind my body is a soul trying to fight.

The Struggle is Real but The Fight is Stronger

  • Charles Louis King

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Bipolar Disorder

Hi, I’m Charles.
I don’t thank my Bipolar.
For anything.
Not a single thing.
I acknowledge my illness, I understand it, I make my peace, but I don’t give my Bipolar any credit. That belongs to me.
With or without it I’m fabulous.
And my Mental illness can go fuck itself.

If I could take a pill that would cure me, I would snatch it right out of your hand and swallow it dry. Because my Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me special, it makes my life complicated. My Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me brave. It’s not the source of my strength. It lingers under the surface of my consciousness, wheedling into my brain and poisoning how I feel about myself and how I experience the world.

I’m special, brave, strong, and talented without my illness. Bipolar Disorder isn’t a trial that I need to tackle in order to show the world I’m tough enough. I don’t need an illness to exaggerate my awesomeness. With an illness that mimics identity it can be hard to tell where Bipolar ends and I begin. The boundaries are never that distinct. But my Bipolar Disorder isn’t a badge. It’s a label, a diagnosis, a hefty, troublesome detail. My Bipolar doesn’t get to take a bow.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Stop Depression

Dear Charles,

Man, what the hell?
Your energy is all over the goddamn place.
One day you’re bouncing off walls,
and beds, and thoughts
and you can’t stop thinking
or talking
long enough to hear someone is speaking to you.
I know you hear it,
I know you hear me.
I know there’s at least a buzzing in your inner ear that calls your attention
A whispering child that’s begging for two seconds of your time.

Other days, seem like nights
It’s quiet in there
Literally nothing is on
Nothing is open
You’re
off.
Thoughts are like molasses when they happen
and when they don’t
you’re not surprised
you’re relieved, even.
Glad you don’t have to muster the energy
muster the motivation
to breathe a millisecond faster than you already need to.
There are these orange see-through bottles on your nightstand.
They have these marbles inside
At least I think they’re marbles
Except you swallow them and they come in different shapes and sizes and colors
I can’t pronounce them sometimes but the one by the alarm clock right now is easy:
Lithium
Next to it, there’s Lamictal, and then Vrylar.
Your psychiatrist said that’s the old-type name.
Who knows what that means.
It still stops the tremors that Lithium keeps gifting you.

You’re given this really neat marble collector cabinet.
They are mini-cabinets for the marbles by day.
Monday Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday
If you wake up, that is.
Twice a day with a meal
If you eat, that is.
Don’t forget to take them though,
I’m scared you won’t wake up again
if you stop taking the marbles.
They’re good for you
and so am I.
Day N’ Night.

Sincerely,

Depression

Bad Dog

I once read a story
a long time ago
that Depression was like a bad dog
who creeps up on you slow.
I have Bipolar Disorder
it’s an ugly disease
another kind of bad dog
who never really leaves.
Yet training this bad dog
has taught things to me,
sometimes hard to remember,
but I can think of THREE.
The FIRST is to find
the silver lining of things
if I see only dark
only pain it brings.
The SECOND is to think
outside of the box
to learn coping skills
and ways to detox.
The THIRD is learning
how to talk about pain
and not suffer alone
with nothing to gain.
Taming the bad dog
was harder than hell
it took years of my life
and left me a shell.
But looking on the bright side,
I take heart to know
that despite the dark winter
I managed and continued to grow.

Bipolar #Mentalillness

LoVeHate

I fell in Love with the Hatred. Love being Hated. Why you want to hate me? Why would you want to hate me. It’s mental, it’s all in your thoughts. Love & Hate are 2 powerful tools thrown in so many directions to describe our feelings, thoughts and emotions. We can love and hate the same person, place or things.

I love my father because he gave you Charles but I hate him for being an absent father. I used to love drinking and drugging but I hate the effects it caused to harm my life. I love being happy but I hate the bipolar tendencies it brings. It’s a love/hate relationship we all live. Like ying & yang, love and hate can’t live without each other.

My Addictions: You love me one minute but hate me the next. That’s too much Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I love, hate and miss you but I’m better off without you. I never wanted you out my life but I had to let you go. You got to do the right thing.

#LoveHate