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I’m Alive…

I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

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They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. On September 19, 2017 my facebook post was subliminally a cry for help. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.

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I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. The following week on September 26, 2017 my wife approached me and said she was Pregnant. WOW. They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.

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Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bi-polar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

#DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery

I’m Fine…

I tell others that they are beautiful,

As I don’t want anyone to feel the way I do.

I am always there for everyone as I know how it feels to be alone.

The thing about Depression is that it’s just not being sad.

It is not temporary dark days or monsters on my back.

It is waking up every day and finding nothing exciting.

It is not distancing myself from friends and family.

It is constantly wondering if my problems are real.

Yes, it is a monster, but without the horrible face and the ugly claws.

It is in my thoughts, analyzing every step when the probability of it happening is zero.

It is not a one-day emotion; it is months of feeling numb.

It is being scared to feel too much.

It is being afraid to not feel anything.

It is believing that I don’t deserve to be happy.

And it’s hating myself for not getting better.

Yes, it is all in my head.

This is why depression is not a “Get Well Soon” card illness.

Trapped in my own mind, not scared of death anymore.

A battle against my own self, drowning every day.

But never to be saved.

The soul is dead but the body lives on.

I’m sick of my own thoughts and my thoughts are sick.

What Am I : I Am Depressed.

I’m a Warrior

Yes, I’m in Recovery. Because even today was hard, I’m still choosing to be here tomorrow. One must not forget that Recovery is brought upon not by the doctor, but by the sick individual themselves. We heal ourselves by our own power exactly as we walk by means of our own power, or eat, or think, breathe, or sleep.

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I am forever an Alcoholic/Drug Addict and never thought I turn out this way. All I was doing was smoking pot at first and drinking at parties. It couldn’t hurt. Only I found out later in life it can hurt. I was getting into fights. Black Outs. Womanizing. Then I started to get bored. That’s when the stronger drugs came onboard from Coke to Pills to just feeling weird. Life was a blur just waiting for the next high. I never thought I’d say goodbye.

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Goodbye to the all the darkness and anguish. Goodbye to all the false hopes alcohol and drugs promised me. Goodbye to those party goers and naysayers. Goodbye, goodbye, so long, farewell. But it’s not the end of the chapter. Bring on Year #4 …

#Stronger #Wiser #Healing #Recovery

Spice Up Your Writing

Sobriety gave me my writing. It lifted the damper that alcohol and drugs placed on my creative energy. It gave me the motivation and, initially, the material. I started blogging as a way to process my recovery experiences and connect with others. It turned out to be the perfect way to take my first baby steps into writing. Anonymity has been necessary for obvious reasons. It also allowed me to get my feet wet as a blogger without too much ego involvement and vulnerability.

I was a nervous wreck when I hit “post” on that first post with my name on it. The good kind of nervous wreck, though. The kind of stomach butterflies that tell you you’re doing something brave that will grow you as a person. 100 or so post later, I am much more accustomed to “putting myself out there,” but I still get those butterflies once in awhile. That’s when I know I’m taking risks with my writing and really giving something of myself. Being more present and emotionally balanced for my family has been the greatest gift of sobriety for me. My writing is a close second.

Today I’m 3 years clean and sober. It’s been interesting, adjusting to sober living. I knew it was necessary but thought it would suck. It doesn’t suck. It did for awhile, sometimes. I am happy to say very simply that this is a better way to live and I’m happier. It does not feel like a life of “doing without” like I thought it would. I have gained so much more than I’ve lost (and to most of what I’ve lost, good riddance anyway).

Am I grateful to be an Alcoholic and Addict like some people in meetings say? Yes! If I had a choice, I would prefer to be a person who could take it or leave it and have no issues with alcohol/drugs/gambling. But I’m at peace with what is, and the way my life has unfolded. And certainly many blessings have come from my recovery process.

#GratefulRecoveringAlcoholicAddict

My Recovery

This is to anyone whose hearts I shattered in active addictions:

Before I identified myself as an Alcoholic or a drug Addict, my view of any addiction consisted of dirty needles and DUIs and jails and drinking out of brown paper bags under bridges (Sure that wasn’t me). I pictured bruises on children’s’ faces after fathers would stumble in drunk and screaming at 3 AM, and families begging their loved ones just to “stop.” I didn’t understand how someone could “let themselves” get to that point. They didn’t care about their wives? Their husbands? Their children?

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Then I got drunk and high for the very first time. I felt peace like I had never known. The tornado in my head had finally ceased tossing words and time and emotions around, and I didn’t have to feel. I didn’t have to think about anything else, and I didn’t have to worry. I was no longer afraid.

Looking back, I know now I was an alcoholic and addict long before I picked up any drink or drug. My disease came from a hole inside of me, which I stuffed with thing after thing after thing and nothing was ever enough. Faster than I could have imagined, that wonderful feeling of being drunk and high became a necessity. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t eat, couldn’t LIVE without booze or drugs.

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The very things that were destroying me, that were eating my soul, were the things that seemed to be keeping me alive. I lied, I cheated, I stole, I doubted myself and my friends and lost trust in everyone and everything around me. I was underwater with a ball and chain around my foot, and my disease was at the bottom celebrating its’ new victory. I didn’t feel guilt about the things I was doing. I didn’t allow myself to because all I knew was chasing that next thrill and high. I hurt so many people, and most of all I hurt myself.

My addictions dragged me down faster than I ever thought something could. I didn’t catch it in time, or maybe I just didn’t care. I couldn’t stop. I wouldn’t stop. I didn’t want to stop. My disease convinced me that the hell I was living was better than even thinking about getting clean. And I believed my insidious disease. It became the only thing in my life that I trusted.

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When I went to rehab treatment I heard stories. I heard stories about people who had it so much harder than I did, and that they managed to stay clean for unfathomable amounts of time. I couldn’t hold together my first 22 hours, and this man/woman just celebrated 22 years of continuous sobriety ?! I couldn’t believe it. My path of becoming alive again, actually living, began right then and there. I didn’t know it yet, but the seed of hope had been planted.

#TheFactsOfLife #MyRecovery 🙏❤️

Gone Missing

Alcohol tells truth, but its truth is not normal. My road of lies were coming to an end but my final lie was my last, yet the most powerful. I left home on a Thursday morning and never returned home until Sunday night. I ignored calls/texts from my wife. In between those days were the darkest eye opening experiences. For I had succumbed to my insidious disease.

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My drunkenness was a temporary suicide. At some point, the booze stopped working. That’s when drinking started sucking. Every time I drank, I could feel pieces of me leaving. I continued to drink until there was nothing left. Just emptiness. No happiness. I last stood at the bar asking myself why am I here and what am I doing with my life Charles?

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I’ll always remember a friend saying to me “so you brought 10 grams of cocaine to a 6 person BBQ and you’re the only 1 that uses it here.” I laughed and realized at the same time I had a drug problem. I was drinking and drugging alone my final months that I didn’t even realize when I was around people that it was abnormal.

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One key symptom of alcoholism is that the individual comes to need a drink for every mood–one to calm down, one to perk up, one to celebrate, one to deal with disappointment, and so on. I combined all my addictions and my life became unmanageable.

#Missing #Loneliness #LiesAreAHandful #Recovery

Breaking Point

(August 22, 2016) My Breaking Point to Surrender was in full effect. I was waking up feeling like death, shaking and craving Drugs/Alcohol just to function. Was lucky I didn’t have to be at work til 1:00pm. Sleep off the hangovers, continue to struggle at work and start destroying my body all over again immediately after work. Repeat.

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My wife was working her second job just to escape me. I looked at it as more time to party and less nagging to hear. Then the 2-3am calls/text came in asking me where I was, keeping her awake up all night angry, tired and worrying. I was distancing myself more and more away from her. She was coming between me and my addictions. Not realizing that I was dragging her through my own hell. I became a Monster.

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I was torn between wanting to continue this lifestyle which was spiraling downward fast with money loss, my health and my marriage. The other side of the brain (my addictions) was saying it’s ok I’m only harming myself and nobody else. I lacked emotions and feelings but a glimpse of HOPE for CHANGE was still there…almost…

#StartToSeeTheLight #SickAndTiredOfBeingSickAndTired #Recovery