Voices

Voices: either we hear them, use them, or shut them out.

What the world isn’t ready for is a real honest person. I’m not afraid to speak my mind for everyone to hear my voice. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and for certain not scared to show it. Real Recognizes Real.

_____

We walk around mute and blind. We turn our backs on one another. We kick a person when they are down. Why? The pain and suffering is within yourself first then in turn we lash that out towards others. If we showed and spoke the truth would it hurt? Compassion we lack and get absorbed into the Cruelty.

_____

When I needed those voices during my darkness times all I got in return were the voices in my head telling me I was a failure. I had to climb out the eerie gates of insanity with one just one voice in my head…

#Voices

F*ck Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.

I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.

I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness

Dear Charles,

Dear Charles,

I know you’ve been through a lot in the amount of time you’ve been on this earth. I know you’re keeping secrets and I know you’re scared and confused. It’s okay for you to feel that way. It’s okay to have a bad day or even many bad days. You’re allowed. And please know that I’m not trying to scare you when I say that you’re going to have a lot of bad days.

Unfortunately, what they’ve diagnosed you with isn’t going to go away and it’s not just some phase. You have a disease…kind of like how diabetes is a disease. It’s just that yours is a disease of the mind, and it’s often highly unpredictable.

You have Bipolar Disorder II. I guess that explains a lot. Hmmmm.

You’ll have to deal with this for the rest of your life, and I need you not to panic. You have a lot of work to do. You’re about to attempt to win a battle inside your brain every single day for the rest of your life. Sometimes, all you’ll be able to do is sleep and sometimes you won’t sleep for days. You’ll see doctor after doctor and try what will seem like 1,000 medications, but in between all of that, there will be good times. Your life is not over…it’s just beginning.

There are millions of people diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. It seems like nearly every day a celebrity comes forward to admit that they have struggled with it, just to let us know we can still achieve greatness. You can and will get through this with grace and dignity, even if you stumble a bit at first trying to find your path.

The worst part about being diagnosed with a mental health condition is the ignorance and stigma you’ll face daily. There will be people who will walk out of your life or treat you like trash because you have a disease of the mind. A disease you didn’t ask for or contract doing something unsafe or illegal. It’s just how your brain is wired. But some people may never understand that or even believe it, no matter how hard you try to explain it.

Don’t let their ignorance tear you down. You have enough work to do just fighting the negative voices in your head. You will struggle, there is no question about that. Unfortunately, at times the pain will seem unbearable, and it will get to you no matter how steady you think you are. That is when it is the easiest to give up, but you can’t do that. Not now. Not ever.

Please, whatever you do, don’t hurt yourself in any way. You may feel alone at times, but you are never truly alone in this fight. There is always a light around the corner. There is always tomorrow.

Despite your struggles, there will be moments where you shine. And in time, when you’re more self-aware, your bad days will only amplify the good. You’ll learn to appreciate those moments even more because you fought to get there. I promise you: You can do this.

You won’t have all the answers all the time, but in time, you will learn what works for you and what doesn’t. It will be a struggle, but if you weren’t a fighter, you wouldn’t be here now. I’ll be here waiting.

Sincerely,

Charles 🙏🏽❤️🙏🏽

#BipolarDisorder #Mentalillness

One Love

I struggle with Mental Health issues every day….every….single…day.

I will never understand how people are so uncomfortable addressing mental health issues but are comfortable sending get well wishes to someone with a broken bone or going through surgery. 🤦‍♂️

No, it’s not a phase.

No, it’s not an on/off switch I can flip in my head.

No, it’s not a passing feeling.

No I’m not doing it for attention.

No, it’s not laziness.

No, It’s not sadness.

No it’s not “something you get over”.

It’s a lifelong condition, and I’m at peace with that.

Yes, I’ve had therapy. Group and individual.

Yes, I’ve done exercise and ate healthy.

Yes, I do joke around and make others laugh and smile.

Yes, I’ve worn a mask, due to the stigma of mental health, and honestly…its a shame that I had to hide it.

Always be kind to the people around you. Not all traumas are visible. Just because you cant see their wounds doesnt give you a right to judge or belittle anyone. Love is a universal language, spread it as much as you can. So if you see someone’s having a rough day, share a smile, lend them your ear and encourage them to keep going.

“The worst part of having a mental illness is people expect you to behave as if you don’t”. — Joker

Never Give Up

Hello,

I suffer from Mental Illness:

I stand in the shower head against the tile wondering is my life worth living. The water turns from hot to ice cold down the drain spinning. Why Me? Why Me? Why Me? I want to be “normal”. I want thoughts of better days but that’s impossible when my mind is a dead end maze. I’m good one minute, psycho the next. Ohh Hello BIPOLAR you came out to play. Is this just a brief stop or you deciding to stay. Come along the ride with DEPRESSION and pick up ANXIETY while you are at it. A MANIC trio on a road of disaster. Charles take these HAPPY pills it will swallow the pain and agony but in reality I’m swallowed whole grasping for air. I see a little light…HOPE.

I am not ashamed to say it. It’s the Stigma that shames us all. Just thankful to shed some light upon my darkest hours. We scroll up and down Facebook overlooking the underlying issues of one in danger or seeking help.

There’s only One that Sees and Hears the Pain We Hide From Others. A tear is made of 1% water and 99% feelings. Sometimes sad memories sneak out my eyes and roll down my cheeks. I hide behind my smile and laughter that it breaks my heart and I’m falling apart. Behind my brown eyes are so many hidden tears and behind my body is a soul trying to fight.

~~ The Struggle is Real but The Fight is Stronger ~~

– Charles Louis King

Charles King’s Mural

Feel free to check out my mural above at Boston Logan International Airport until December 2020. Departures….Walkway tunnel between Gates B and C. Left of B38 Spirit Airlines.

___________

I’m Bipolar

I can feel my mood dropping

It’s out of my control

I need to grab a handle either of a bottle

Or of my soul

I thought I left my past in the past essentially

Brain races so much I can’t erase memories

Laying in bed for days they won’t go away

If I stay there all day I know I’ll be okay

I’m trapped in these 4×4 walls

Voices in my head saying don’t pick up calls

Everything will be alright

Because no matter what

I’m a menace to my own insanity

Close eyes lock the doors throw away the key

I stand alone fighting this stigma’s exposure

Am I the only one who is Bipolar?

(Now read bottom up)

#MentalHealth #DeconstructingStigma #bipolar #depression #anxiety #YouAreNotAlone

DaDa Look into my Eyes

DADA Look into my eyes and tell me what it is you see (Could you tell me what I see?)

I wish I knew what you saw or how u felt? Are things black and white? Am I just a tall figure that walks by you and you just smile saying Da Da? Do you know when I’m sad because I’m to depressed to play with you and your toys? Does your crying trigger me of repressed childhood memories? How come you learn ABCs but I attend AA, NA and GA meetings.

I smile, you smile. I laugh, you laugh. I cry, you smile. You cry, I worry. No spoken words between us yet we bond like no other. You’re forever Daddy’s little girl. My thoughts and my words are probably complete opposite of what you see and feel. My mind isn’t right and it’s hard to sleep I try to hide the pain, but my scars run deep. You’re just a baby who likes her Ellie the Elephant.

What DaDa really sees/feels….

I didn’t want to Wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that’s really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you’re so relieved. But instead I woke up into a nightmare.

Being Bipolar I share two addresses. Which one do I walk into daily? 1 Happy Road or 2 Depressing Drive. I want to play Hide n’ Seek with my daughter but just hide forever. The sad and lonely thoughts push me further away from family and friends. Push me back.

Tired of everyone telling me it will be OK when Life just throws me a KO. I wasn’t put here to be Depressed. I was created to be Victorious. H.O.P.E. – Hold On, Pain Ends. I’m Fine: Depressed but Not Defeated. Life: Today I’ll Look back and see all along I was blooming.

#NoWorriesNoCry.

🎧 Music Saved My Life! 🎧

🎧 Music Saved My Life! 🎧

Notorious B.I.G. spoke to me when he said It Was All A Dream on “Juicy”. Wu-Tang Clan taught me at 10 years old to “Protect Ya Neck”. My first cd 💿 purchased was Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise” as I began walking through the valley of the shadows of death. Bone Thugs N’ Harmony only left Charles at life’s “Crossroads”. P.O.D. paved my way of being the “Youth of a Nation”. As I grew older Nirvana made me rebel, “Smells like Teen Spirit”. Eminem knew me to well when I was at my “Rock Bottom” but I will never fail “Til I Collapse”. DMX how did you know my path was “Dark and Hell is Hot”? Snoop Dogg knew I liked to sip on “Gin and Juice” but Tool told me it was time to get “Sober”. Metallica had me wake up with nightmares after watching “Enter Sandman”.

Fabolous told me just “Breathe”. Mobb Deep calmed me down with the “Quiet Storm”. Prince, I guess this is how it sounds like “When Doves Cry”. Bruce Springsteen screamed it best, I was “Born in the U.S.A. But Clint Mansell showed me I was living in a “Requiem for a Dream”. I began smoking “Purple Haze” while listening to Jimi Hendrix. Cassidy had me crushing “My drink N’ my 2 Step”. But Billy Joel said they’re sharing a drink they call loneliness. But it’s better than drinking alone as I slur “Piano Man”. I was sloppy drunk when I played “Musical Chairs” with Raw Commitee and my 2.0 Boys. I’m “Uncomfortably Numb” while “Crawling” in my own skin thanks to Pink Floyd and Linkin Park. Jay-Z designed the “Blueprint” how my life shaped up. Change will come “If I Ruled the World” just as Nas envisioned.

Hey Kanye, women hate me because I was “Heartless”. Kings of Leon told me their “Sex is on Fire”. I’ll leave my past in the past I’m no Big Pun “Still Not a Player”. I believed Papa Roach this is my “Last Resort”. How could I have “Fallin” Alicia Keys? Evanescence answered my prayers to “Bring Me Back to Life”. Where was Lil Wayne’s head at to make “I Feel Like Dying”? Breaking Benjamin must know because we’re “So Cold”. Keith Urban I won’t take my own life because I’m a “Fighter”. 50 Cent had me on the ledge so “Don’t Push Me”. This wasn’t my “End of the Road” after hearing Boyz II Men sing. “Blessed the Broken Road” that lead me straight to Rascal Flatts. I’m alive Rick Ross because everyday I’m “Hustlin” to make it happen one day at a time. I was directed to throw dem bows by Ludacris so you better “Roll Out”. So everybody “Get Your Roll On” because we got Big Tymers in the house. Andele andale moma “E.I. E.I.” uh oh Nelly what’s poppin tonight? Don Omar got me salsa dancing to that “Danza Kuduro”💃 oi, oi, oi. This all might seem foreign but its my “Ebonics” throw one up for Big L. If you don’t act right there will be “Big Things Poppin” ain’t that right T.I.

My musical idol Joe Budden rapped about being suicidal like me because we’re “Only Human”. When I stopped drinking and drugging I thought that was my “Downfall”. The struggle is real Michael Jackson told me just “Beat It”. I once was the life of the party with “All Eyez on Me”, a social butterfly like 2pac. Slaughterhouse handed me a “Microphone” to spread inspiration and hope. I don’t need the “Money, Power, Respect the Lox once said I needed. I changed my life around because I didn’t want to live “Under the Bridge” in a “Cardboard Box” kudos to Red Hot Chili Peppers and ANoyd for showing me a way out. The Fugees asked me am I “Ready or Not”? There’s also love around me Phil Collins I can feel it “In the Air Tonight”. I love my daughter so much Will Smith showed me it’s “Just the Two of Us”. Live today like its your last because Usher said just take it “Nice & Slow”. Drake and Weeknd Take Care and thanks for reading this was for my “Crew Love”.

Keep listening to Music on those Beats by Dre 🎧

Lost to Addiction

I had lost a whole decade to Addiction. Late nights into the early mornings, I was snorting Cocaine or Adderall alone or with others. Crushing pills or cutting cocaine was a pretty, mouth watering sight. I was looking down at a line of powder on the table. It was my second or third 8-ball of the night, at a time when I was snorting 20 or so lines in a day. With the dollar bill in my hand, I considered a couple of truths: I’d stolen the drugs from dealers; I’d eventually be caught; part of me wanted to be caught; part of me hoped I’d die before that happened.

“We really have a problem,” I said to myself. When things got really bad…when I couldn’t believe the things I was doing…I’d start referring to myself as a group.

I snorted each line. The burn felt like pain and ecstasy and shame. But no matter how high I’d get myself those days with the dripping sweat, heart jumping in my chest, and ringing in my ears, I couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness. And later in the evenings after b work, I’d start drinking whiskey to slow down my body. Rinse, lather, repeat.

It wasn’t always that bad. Like many addicts, things were great for a while. I’d spent a good five years clubbing and doing drugs casually; I was a weekend warrior, I was in my mid twenties, and I was thrilled. I thought I’d connected with people and there was something more real about being high than there was about not being high. But my drinking/drug life was incompatible with my work life. I couldn’t go out partying on Sunday night, coasting home at 2:00AM on Monday morning, and hope to be productive at work, though I tried. I remember one of these Mondays, falling asleep while a coworker was talking to me.

I had lost a whole decade to Addiction. Every aching year it progressed more and more until my brain was on overdrive. Addiction was Charles. Charles was Addiction. I couldn’t fathom a life without a substance in my system. I combined alcohol, drugs, gambling and sex mixed them all in a pot and the outcome was harmful.

#Destruction #Addiction

No Love Lost

Apologies to my Exes and women I womanized. No this isn’t my confessions. Sorry, just an appreciation of your time and investment, patience and efforts. Having you all was part of a blessing. You all belong on a pedestal. No hard feelings, no love lost. No bad blood, your love is a bad drug. But better to have love than no love at all.

Disciplining my habits, went distant on my attachments. I had to turn my presence to absence. Stuck in a cage, questioning the hours and days. I’m in my Depressional stage, my tunnel vision is starting to fade. I started to marry my thoughts, already engaged. Not knowing my next move had me going insane. I depended on Alcohol to get me over the pain. Praying my habit didn’t turn for the worst. It turned me to pills and cocaine. I won’t allow this temporary pain to turn to a stain.

I want to live but my joy for life is stuck in the grave. God I need you more than ever, I was hoping you came. I was so used to holding life in, it’s kind of hard to explain. I was misunderstood. Far from perfect, did a lot of stupid, crazy things I knew I shouldn’t. Ducking my demons but they coming back like a speeding bullet. My life is crazy out here, it’s like I love it and I hate it out here. I have to be mentally stable to know these 3 words…I Am Sorry.

❤️