I found my Genie, she was hiding in the coke bottle shaped lines. Mind altering thoughts that intertwined with my moods. I went toe to toe, blow for blow that I became a competitive coke head going line for line. I was high all the time literally and figuratively, but the crash was gut-wrenching. I’m Numb.
I had that dope sick love, that dope sick hate. Talking a mile a minute, heart like speed racer to ending with shakes and sweats. How could you make me feel so low that I continued to snort so much to bring me back that high? You were so light but brought me heavy burden. You were so pure but polluted my body. Drip Drip.
The 2nd most addictive substance in the world and I mixed you with the 5th most: Alcohol. You two were peas in a pod. My Bonnie & Clyde. I needed my stimulant and my depressant to level myself out. You two were a bad mama jama. I took you for granted and became paralyzed to the disease. I’m blessed to be alive but forever a drug addict.
I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.
I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.
I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.
I remember …every single time you abandoned me in a car to chase your own desires …every single time you smoked your son away from your mind …every single time you forgot about your baby boy born …every single time you only focused on your new so-called Drugs I remember.
Do you remember …I cried for hours for reasons a nine-year old shouldn’t have to comprehend …I scored a game winning run and searched for you but you were nowhere to be found …I came flying to you, ecstatic over my perfect grades, only to be swatted away …I saw other daddies embracing their children while you clung to your cravings Do you remember?
You don’t remember …How could you know my pain that you have never allowed yourself to see …How could you know my pain that you were never forced to grasp …How could you know my pain that you never tasted …How could you know my pain that you never heard You don’t remember.
Do you want to hear about what I know now …I know now that you are not a Father, someone to trust and appreciate …I know now that you are just a man, broken and lost …I know now that you are a contradiction, someone who destroys and builds …I know now that you are a child, as was I This is what I know now.
I know who we are Mom, together we’re addicts They asked me how I was affected at the situations you exposed and reflected Did you know what it was like as a child feeling alone? Your sitting right next to me but you’re not really home. I prayed to God to help you… So I could have the mom back that I once knew Take a deep breathe Ma… I’m with you. Time after time you tried to explain…. Why I’m 9 years old watching the addiction you maintain. Why are you so angry all the time? I don’t know what I did. But until you got your fix alone in your room you hid. Why wasn’t I important like the addiction was to you? You dropped me off at Grandma’s an said this will half to do. When you left I wondered why you didn’t want me. And if it was because I made you angry If so then Ma I’m sorry. I can be GOOD I can do BETTER Just PLEASE mom as long as we can be together. And you left and did what you thought mattered. Did you know in that driveway you left my well being shattered. Grandma would yell when I’d cry and I didn’t understand. This can’t be the life for me that you had planned. Grandma would tell me it wasn’t my fault It was something you were going through maybe a sickness you had caught. Grandma was so sad she said she didn’t want me around your lifestyle So until you got better this is how life would be for awhile. Some days you were wasted others very high thats how I remember each and every goodbye. You didn’t think I knew just what you were doing, Or how bad I knew your Addiction was pursuing. Telling me I know nothing, or what it’s all about As I watched it turn you completely inside out. I’ve never used, abused or craved you just yet BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. You took my mother from me and into darkness you walked her so very far. For so many years now you have had control! Taking her heart,mind,body and soul. You came first, She craved your power as if it was hunger or thirst. I’ve never submitted myself to you just yet BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE. Your easy to get You don’t have to look far. You didn’t care that she was a good person Better yet that made it easier insertion. You had her hooked after just one try Not knowing when you were gone she’d want to die. I watched her do awful things just to have you in her hands But it’s not her fault it’s what your Addiction demands. And you come back Oh you always come back…. You know when shes vulnerable So you pick up her slack. She cant live her life without you in it every single day She doesn’t care about nothing your trying to preach or pray And then one day you’ll make her hit rock bottom And the Addiction inside of her will whisper “GOT EM” This drug is very dangerous Won’t stop till it fulfills death I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE they call you
3 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…
“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)
SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.
They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.
I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.
Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.
Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.
The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.
This Blog Post is for the Wives, Husbands, Girlfriends, Boyfriends or Loved Ones.
You have traveled a rocky road. You have had a long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self pity, misunderstanding and fear. We alcoholics or addicts are not pleasant companions. You have been driven to tears, sympathy and bitter resentment. Some of you hoping that one day your love one would be themselves once more.
You have been unselfish and self sacrificing. You told lies to protect your love one’s pride and reputation. You prayed, begged, and tried to be patient. But you struck out, hid, ran away, became hysterical or just were terrified to approach them.
You wake up with hopes of a new day, a new person but suddenly realize as the day goes on they didn’t change. Maybe for a couple hours, a week or two, but the gut in your stomach fears they will resort back to their old destructive ways.
You love them so much and have no idea how to help them. Realize you are not the problem nor the solution. The alcoholic or addict has no idea how much they are being harmful to you or others. You can guide and suggest for them to get outside help without getting into arguments. Hard yes, but don’t give up. Never ever blame yourself. You are the strongest ones to live and come out of this environment. Sometimes as a last resort you have to let go and stop enabling too.
For as long as he could remember his skin was a weapon he was made to understand that everyone saw him as black boy not smart boy mamas boy so sweet that he wouldn’t hurt a fly boy went to school and straight back home boy smile so hard his face hurt boy got stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time boy put your hands up boy white man looks at him white police officer who hold his gun upright eyes him with intent keep your hands up boy I wont be scared to shoot boy remember what you are boy all he could hear were his mothers words comply and you’ll be fine his chest rises and falls his last moments are controlled by the pull of a trigger the slightest movement is the cause of another black boy’s body echoing to the ground boy
T arget – That is what you are. Doesn’t Matter what kind of person you are on in the inside.
H oodlum – Your savage looks and slang make you less of a human
I dentity – Is defined as the action or process of identifying someone or something or the fact of being identified. Identity stripped hundreds of years ago and they are still more layers being peeled.
S anity – It’s there. You have IT. Or do You?
I ntegrity – Is one of your strongest well-known characteristics. Well so I thought. Infamous is what you are. Apparently.
S oul – Can be taken from your flesh without you having a warning.
A nger – Yea we feel it too. To bad this feeling was obtained after what happened to you.
M urder – No, Massacre. Although it only occurs one at a time. The quanity within the time frame is dissemination.
E quality – For who? Exercise your rights…Pow. Speak Knowledge…Pow. Lead your People…Pow. Driving in a car…Pow. Following instructions and holding your hands up. Ha you guessed it…POW POW.
R apine – Your temple as been violated. You, your family, and community get no type of apology.
I nnocent – Until Proven Guilty this does not pertain to you. You, you are Guilty Until Proven Innocent.
C olor – This is obvious. Your pigmentation is the cause of your assassination. A feature that you can not control. A feature that you did not choose. But unfortunately since you are an offspring of color you can not have control of your life or…death.
A nother Hashtag – Another Victim, Another Statistic. And the despising part of it all is that this cycle will live on but those that are in the cycle won’t.