Rock Bottom

Remember your Rock Bottom and how drinking/drugs took you there: My Rock Bottom was August 13, 2016 at my friend’s wedding.

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90+ degrees outside didn’t stop me from excessive drinking and excessive cocaine use. It didn’t help that I had heat exhaustion to almost a heat stroke. My body was saying stop but my mind was saying keep going, it will help. I decided to use drugs in the basement church bathroom and chug a flask of whiskey right before I had to stand up on the alter. I had to be the life of the party, what better way to get the wedding started right. I was in a place of worship and didn’t care I was sinning in God’s house. I was hiding this behavior the entire weekend from my wife and friends.

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But I wasn’t myself, internal and external. I was irritable, tired, happy, and angry all rolled into one. I was suppose to be celebrating a joyous marriage but instead I was dead inside and wanted to numb myself deeper that I could not feel anymore. I was mindless, heartless, and soulless. When the alcohol and drugs ran out I was still empty. This was my 5th of 7th wedding of 2016. I was exhuasted. I was tired of celebrating marriages when I wasn’t happy in my own.

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I put on the fake laughter, smiles, dancing etc. but needed to get back to the drugs and more open bar drinks to escape. Fun? No I wasn’t having Fun anymore. I was a couple more weeks away from my Breaking Point to Surrender. This day was The Beginning of The End.

#ThisCouldBeTheEnd #RawEmotions #KeepingItReal #Recovery

Stop Killing Me

This Blog is for the Wives, Husbands, Girlfriends, Boyfriends or Loved Ones.

You have traveled a rocky road. You have had a long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self pity, misunderstanding and fear. We alcoholics or addicts are not pleasant companions. You have been driven to tears, sympathy and bitter resentment. Some of you hoping that one day your love one would be themselves once more.

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You have been unselfish and self sacrificing. You told lies to protect your love one’s pride and reputation. You prayed, begged, and tried to be patient. But you struck out, hid, ran away, became hysterical or just were terrified to approach them.

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You wake up with hopes of a new day, a new person but suddenly realize as the day goes on they didn’t change. Maybe for a couple hours, a week or two, but the gut in your stomach fears they will resort back to their old destructive ways.

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You love them so much and have no idea how to help them. Realize you are not the problem nor the solution. The alcoholic or addict has no idea how much they are being harmful to you or others. You can guide and suggest for them to get outside help without getting into arguments. Hard yes, but don’t give up. Never ever blame yourself. You are the strongest ones to live and come out of this environment. Sometimes as a last resort you have to let go and stop enabling too.

#RelationshipGoals #NotYourFault #StandByMe #Recovery

Fast Forward Press Rewind

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I have a Confession, I’m staring at the pain in the mirror and it’s getting harder to see. Question hurts more than the fact that it resembles me. Goodbye, praying to God 🙏 please remove my evil sins. Why do I sit across from that table with my demons? More I sniffed coke, the more I drink. More I drink, the more I sniffed coke. Amends are an after thought, I no longer party. Friends must think less of me. Heard life is a bitch, so I went to bed with her. Blurred vision had no limits when to stop. Sight I’m losing looking down on the paper full of tears. I wrote this shit backwards a month ago because no one understands me, not even my peers.

.peers my even not, me understands one no because backwards shit this Write. tears of full paper the on down looking losing I’m Sight. stop to when limits no had vision Blurred. her with bed to went I so, bitch a is life Heard. me of less think must Friends. party longer no I, thought after an are Amends. coke sniffed I more the, drink I More. drink I more the, coke sniffed I More ?demons my with table that from across sit I do Why. sins evil my remove please 🙏 God to praying, Goodbye. me resembles it that fact the than more hurts Question. see to harder getting it’s and mirror the in pain the at staring I’m, Confession a have I

<<<<– Backwards Read)

I’m An Alcoholic

I knew something was wrong with me and drinking for a long while before I started to seriously consider cutting it out. This is because the thought of a life without alcohol seemed to me to be entirely unimaginable. My entire life was BUILT around alcohol.

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I made it a point of avoiding dry events and dry people, eating dinner out was conditioned right to the drink menu, vacations were excuses to be day drunk. I had to pre-game before the pre-game. I could go on and on. On the other hand, I LOATHED what it was doing to my looks, my self-esteem, my time, my world, my mental health, my maturity, my emotional balance, my wallet, etc. I literally hated it. But living without it seemed like the end of the world. Or at least the end of my world.

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So I did what most people do – I tried to prove to myself that I could moderate it so I could keep it in my life. I tried to limit it to weekends. I ditched it for two days here or one week there. I’d try and limit it to a specific number of drinks. I even tried diluting my whiskey straight with water – to slow my drinking down. None of this ever worked. I’d just end up either obsessing over it or making exceptions to the rules or completely going off the deep end despite myself, and then inevitably, beating the crap out of myself about it.

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If you are in this place – the one where you KNOW that alcohol is screwing with your life and something must be done, but the thought of giving up the “good parts” seems unacceptable – and you’re still searching for a way to

control it and keep it in your life…Ask for Help.

#ControlledDrinkingWasntTheAnswer

#ImAnAlcoholic

#NoDesires

#Recovery

Hello Depression!

Let’s skip the small talk and get right to the topic at hand. Mental Health remains a touchy subject stigmatized as a weakness and not as a disease.
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I really know depression. I know coming outside when the sun is dark. I know sleeping in the bathtub when there’s no water running and just looking at the ceiling thinking. My mind is like a Rubik’s cube. I’m telling myself that it’s worse than what it really is. I’m telling myself the whole time, Hey Charles, you can get out of this! Charles, you know better. You know how to snap out of this. You’ve been through too much. Work, school, home doesn’t matter where I go depression is with you.
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For me, sometimes depression is a season like it’s rainy and cold. But it’s just me being honest. I don’t feel like everybody is honest. That’s the vulnerability I choose to have. I embrace it. Depression tells me I suck but I reply back I’m not here because I fell down, I’m here because I got up. I don’t want any attention but I write because it’s therapeutic. Picture me fighting with myself or even worse when I was drinking. It hurts when I’m thinking because it’s me versus my personal demons. I yell be quiet to the voices screaming in my mind? I Am who I Am.

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People think depression is sadness. People think depression is crying. People think depression is dressing in all black. But people are wrong. Depression is the constant feeling of being numb. Being numb to emotions, being numb to life. You wake up in the morning just to go back to bed again. Depression is that hidden treasure chest waiting to be found and taken over with happiness.

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The Worst part of Depression is People who don’t have It they just don’t get It. When I was in my deep dark place it was never talked about. I guess my depression just stepped in and took over shit like it’s known to do. Guess it said, Hey Charles, I’m going home with you. Turn your cellphone off, I need to be alone with you. You been with me since a teen, but you started to confuse me because it’s been so long and you are still trying to lose me. Used to it, me and depression been a tandem for years. How could you show me such hurt when everybody turns their back on me? It’s just you and me with the monsters in my head, lets reunite.

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Doctors, meetings, pills couldn’t keep us apart

But now you got a cure and you wanna get rid of me. We are roommates, I’m in your head, Charles, you live with me. Tame me all you want, I’m at rest, maybe hibernating. But I’m forever there when you least expect. Don’t let me Go, Hold on for the ride. I bet that’s what you want DEPRESSION.

By Your Side

Dear Daughter,

You know I Love and Cherish you. While you were still in your mom’s womb, I sung to you so you would know my voice. I can still feel your trusting body on my shoulder when, as an infant, you abandoned yourself in my arms in a peaceful slumber. Your little hands are still holding tightly to my pinkies as you were taking your first steps. You are, in my mind, the toddler running to the door joyfully screaming “Dada, Dada, Dada” when I come to pick you up from daycare.

As a first time father, I do my best to care for you, teach and guide you along life’s paths. I will make many mistakes because you are the guinea pig. But then, you will be a fine specimen and I do not have to deviate too much from the many books I read about parenting. Still, I have to gingerly walk through the years of teaching to put the values I consider important into your heart.

You are, beautiful inside and out. Your smile brings me overwhelming joy. Your sweetness melts my heart. Your laughs and cries light my world. I read that girls grow up confident and possess self-respect if their father showed them love constantly. For that reason, I stay by your side often to let you know that you are so loved that you don’t need to look for love elsewhere.

Love,

Xoxo

Dada

I’m Bipolar Too

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I’m Bipolar

I can feel my mood dropping

It’s out of my control

I need to grab a handle either of a bottle

Or of my soul

I thought I left my past in the past essentially

Brain races so much I can’t erase memories

Laying in bed for days they won’t go away

If I stay there all day I know I’ll be okay

I’m trapped in these 4×4 walls

Voices in my head saying don’t pick up calls

Everything will be alright

Because no matter what

I’m a menace to my own insanity

Close eyes lock the doors throw away the key

I stand alone fighting this stigma’s exposure

Am I the only one who is Bipolar?

(Now read bottom up)