Remember your Rock Bottom and how drinking/drugs took you there: My Rock Bottom was August 13, 2016 at my friend’s wedding.
90+ degrees outside didn’t stop me from excessive drinking and excessive cocaine use. It didn’t help that I had heat exhaustion to almost a heat stroke. My body was saying stop but my mind was saying keep going, it will help. I decided to use drugs in the basement church bathroom and chug a flask of whiskey right before I had to stand up on the alter. I had to be the life of the party, what better way to get the wedding started right. I was in a place of worship and didn’t care I was sinning in God’s house. I was hiding this behavior the entire weekend from my wife and friends.
But I wasn’t myself, internal and external. I was irritable, tired, happy, and angry all rolled into one. I was suppose to be celebrating a joyous marriage but instead I was dead inside and wanted to numb myself deeper that I could not feel anymore. I was mindless, heartless, and soulless. When the alcohol and drugs ran out I was still empty. This was my 5th of 7th wedding of 2016. I was exhuasted. I was tired of celebrating marriages when I wasn’t happy in my own.
I put on the fake laughter, smiles, dancing etc. but needed to get back to the drugs and more open bar drinks to escape. Fun? No I wasn’t having Fun anymore. I was a couple more weeks away from my Breaking Point to Surrender. This day was The Beginning of The End.
#ThisCouldBeTheEnd #RawEmotions #KeepingItReal #Recovery