F*CK Bipolar

I put myself in other shoes they called me Bipolar. Call me Bipolar, I’m the happiest mad man right in front of you. You don’t know my story, my struggle, the demons that I combat daily. I tell myself I’m unique but why do I feel weak? I’m a maniac within my own mind, a prisoner to say the least.


I feel lonely, isolated and suffering at times. Everything takes a backseat in my depressed state of mind including my friends and family. When I was in my active addictions to a point I never imagined I would reach, my depression experienced hopelessness, deep sadness and loss of energy. My lack of interests from sex to even watching television were too little. Sleeping to long or too little my mind races with suicidal thoughts. It’s not easy living with Bipolar, but it can be more difficult when the people around you don’t understand your diagnosis.


I’m medicated, educated and dedicated towards my mental illness. I don’t hide behind what I am because I admit I’m Bipolar. I have multiple moods that are sometimes out of my control. I face them head on with full force. Bare with me and stand by me instead of being afraid or nervous. I love a good challenge and I must overcome. Thank You.

Fight the stigma. Let your voice be heard!

#Bipolar #Mentalillness

DeaDbeat Dad

Dad,

I remember
…every single time you abandoned me in a car to chase your own desires
…every single time you smoked your son away from your mind
…every single time you forgot about your baby boy born
…every single time you only focused on your new so-called Drugs
I remember.

Daddy,

Do you remember
…I cried for hours for reasons a nine-year old shouldn’t have to comprehend
…I scored a game winning run and searched for you but you were nowhere to be found
…I came flying to you, ecstatic over my perfect grades, only to be swatted away
…I saw other daddies embracing their children while you clung to your cravings
Do you remember?

Father,

You don’t remember
…How could you know my pain that you have never allowed yourself to see
…How could you know my pain that you were never forced to grasp
…How could you know my pain that you never tasted
…How could you know my pain that you never heard
You don’t remember.

Do you want to hear about what I know now
…I know now that you are not a Father, someone to trust and appreciate
…I know now that you are just a man, broken and lost
…I know now that you are a contradiction, someone who destroys and builds
…I know now that you are a child, as was I
This is what I know now.

…I remember and I know…

I ❤️ Mom

I know who we are
Mom, together we’re addicts
They asked me how I was affected
at the situations you exposed and reflected
Did you know what it was like as a child feeling alone?
Your sitting right next to me but you’re not really home.
I prayed to God to help you…
So I could have the mom back that I once knew
Take a deep breathe Ma…
I’m with you.
Time after time you tried to explain….
Why I’m 9 years old watching the addiction you maintain.
Why are you so angry all the time?
I don’t know what I did.
But until you got your fix
alone in your room you hid.
Why wasn’t I important like the addiction was to you?
You dropped me off at Grandma’s
an said this will half to do.
When you left I wondered why you didn’t want me.
And if it was because I made you angry
If so
then Ma I’m sorry.
I can be GOOD
I can do BETTER
Just PLEASE mom as long as we can be together.
And you left and did what you thought mattered.
Did you know in that driveway you left my well being shattered.
Grandma would yell when I’d cry and I didn’t understand.
This can’t be the life for me that you had planned.
Grandma would tell me it wasn’t my fault
It was something you were going through maybe
a sickness you had caught.
Grandma was so sad she said she didn’t want me around your lifestyle
So until you got better this is how life would be for awhile.
Some days you were wasted others very high thats how I remember each and every goodbye.
You didn’t think I knew just what you were doing,
Or how bad I knew
your Addiction was pursuing.
Telling me I know nothing,
or what it’s all about
As I watched it turn you completely inside out.
I’ve never used, abused or craved you just yet
BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.
You took my mother from me
and into darkness you walked her so very far.
For so many years now you have had control!
Taking her heart,mind,body and soul.
You came first,
She craved your power as if it was hunger or thirst.
I’ve never submitted myself to you just yet
BUT I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE.
Your easy to get
You don’t have to look far.
You didn’t care that she was a good person Better yet that made it easier insertion.
You had her hooked after just one try
Not knowing when you were gone she’d want to die.
I watched her do awful things just to have you in her hands
But it’s not her fault it’s what your Addiction demands.
And you come back
Oh you always come back….
You know when shes vulnerable
So you pick up her slack.
She cant live her life without you in it every single day
She doesn’t care about nothing your trying to preach or pray
And then one day you’ll make her hit rock bottom
And the Addiction inside of her will whisper
“GOT EM”
This drug is very dangerous
Won’t stop till it fulfills death
I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
they call you

DRUGS 💊.

I ❤️ You Ma through hell and back

Suicide : My Life Matters

3 Years Ago I had a different plan but today I’m Alive…

“Pen and pad in my hand, and I was writing a note. Didn’t get far, as soon as I wrote down “Mom” I just stopped. Couldn’t lie to her, couldn’t figure out how to say bye to her. Couldn’t explain the “Why” to her. Couldn’t picture her getting a call or somebody saying her son had died to her.” – (Joe Budden – Only Human)

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.


They say God works in mysterious ways. Well I definitely believe that. After 1 year and 2 weeks clean and sober I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. Just how I hid my addictions, I hid this too.


I questioned what else is there to life? It was the very first time in my life I contemplated living or dying. I thought about death wondering how I was gonna go. I couldn’t be insane for just wanting to know but in my head I died often.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. I’m ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My depression and bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.

Suicide doesn’t end the chances of life getting worse, suicide eliminates the possibility of it ever getting better.

The emotions, feelings, thoughts, addictions, and depression I had faced daily were now burdens lifted off my shoulders. I had overcome such adversities throughout my life and I wouldn’t allow the easy way out — SUICIDE. I always stress reach out to each other. No one knows what goes on in my head just like anyone else. I can text anyone back “LOL” but I wasn’t laughing at all.

DontTurnaBlindEye #ElephantInTheRoom #SuicidePrevention #Recovery

Stand By Me

This Blog Post is for the Wives, Husbands, Girlfriends, Boyfriends or Loved Ones.

You have traveled a rocky road. You have had a long rendezvous with hurt pride, frustration, self pity, misunderstanding and fear. We alcoholics or addicts are not pleasant companions. You have been driven to tears, sympathy and bitter resentment. Some of you hoping that one day your love one would be themselves once more.


You have been unselfish and self sacrificing. You told lies to protect your love one’s pride and reputation. You prayed, begged, and tried to be patient. But you struck out, hid, ran away, became hysterical or just were terrified to approach them.


You wake up with hopes of a new day, a new person but suddenly realize as the day goes on they didn’t change. Maybe for a couple hours, a week or two, but the gut in your stomach fears they will resort back to their old destructive ways.


You love them so much and have no idea how to help them. Realize you are not the problem nor the solution. The alcoholic or addict has no idea how much they are being harmful to you or others. You can guide and suggest for them to get outside help without getting into arguments. Hard yes, but don’t give up. Never ever blame yourself. You are the strongest ones to live and come out of this environment. Sometimes as a last resort you have to let go and stop enabling too.

RelationshipGoals #NotYourFault #StandByMe #Recovery

CATHARSIS

CATHARSIS

Born of a minority race
Adorned of comments and nitpicking
You grow a thick skin when subjected to
Adolescent Bullying

Spitting image of a Drug Abuser
Mother couldn’t take it
Flashbacks to days of running
Sounds of yelling and bones breaking

In my Father’s Absence,
I’ve had to pick myself up and dust myself off
In my mother’s presence
I’ve held back tears until she was gone

Forgive me if I guard myself
You can’t trust anyone these days
Because the one man who was first supposed to love me
Was the first to walk away

My self esteem is depleted
Swallow pills for my underlying demons
I host a Chronic Depression
Voices shut out hopeful reasoning

My moods are Biploar
In a good scenario, my sanity is within reach
But my rainy days are scattered
Let alone converse, sometimes I’m scared to speak

I’m not a lonesome person
I tend to travel with my own company
Say I smile and laugh
But I’m Depressed underneath

Cherry this on top
Sometimes conscience and voices collide
When words turn to cuts and cuts turn to scars
Scars on my skin that I can’t hide

When ears grow weary
And shoulders grow cold
People only care so much
My grievances grow old

When your words are singular
And your thoughts are priceless
Experience is golden
Lessons gained from the mindless

Pen and paper that provides release
Marvel at the pains of the artist
Each stroke …. a sentence
Every creation … a Catharsis

Grown from lines into my nose
To lines on a paper
From internal damning
To differential prayers

Because the words on these pages
These words I’ve spent years writing
Are the lessons life’s taught
The morals life’s written inside me.

#RayshardBrooks

For as long as he could remember
his skin was a weapon
he was made to understand
that everyone saw him as
black boy
not smart boy
mamas boy
so sweet that he wouldn’t hurt a fly boy
went to school and straight back home boy
smile so hard his face hurt boy
got stuck in the wrong place at the wrong time boy
put your hands up boy
white man looks at him
white police officer
who hold his gun upright
eyes him with intent
keep your hands up boy
I wont be scared to shoot boy
remember what you are boy
all he could hear were his mothers words
comply and you’ll be fine
his chest rises and falls
his last moments
are controlled by the pull of a trigger
the slightest movement is the cause of
another black boy’s body
echoing to the ground boy

#RayshardBrooks #Blacklivesmatter

This Is America

THIS IS AMERICA —

T arget – That is what you are. Doesn’t Matter what kind of person you are on in the inside.

H oodlum – Your savage looks and slang make you less of a human

I dentity – Is defined as the action or process of identifying someone or something or the fact of being identified. Identity stripped hundreds of years ago and they are still more layers being peeled.

S anity – It’s there. You have IT. Or do You?

I ntegrity – Is one of your strongest well-known characteristics. Well so I thought. Infamous is what you are. Apparently.

S oul – Can be taken from your flesh without you having a warning.

A nger – Yea we feel it too. To bad this feeling was obtained after what happened to you.

M urder – No, Massacre. Although it only occurs one at a time. The quanity within the time frame is dissemination.

E quality – For who? Exercise your rights…Pow. Speak Knowledge…Pow. Lead your People…Pow. Driving in a car…Pow. Following instructions and holding your hands up. Ha you guessed it…POW POW.

R apine – Your temple as been violated. You, your family, and community get no type of apology.

I nnocent – Until Proven Guilty this does not pertain to you. You, you are Guilty Until Proven Innocent.

C olor – This is obvious. Your pigmentation is the cause of your assassination. A feature that you can not control. A feature that you did not choose. But unfortunately since you are an offspring of color you can not have control of your life or…death.

A nother Hashtag – Another Victim, Another Statistic. And the despising part of it all is that this cycle will live on but those that are in the cycle won’t.

— Charles King

BlackLivesMatter

I’m Frustrated!

Frustrated at the actions of the people who are suppose to protect.

Frustrated that right now my skin makes me a logical suspect.

Frustrated that it’s 2020 & there’s still White People who will view me as a threat.

Frustrated that it can be me, my dad, my sister, my mother or my kids that are next.

And please I apologize of the vulgar nature of my words.

But I’m frustrated at the fact this injustice still occurs.

I’m frustrated at the blind eye, the back and forth on my FB newsfeed timeline.

I’m frustrated that we yelling but still our voices never heard.

Ignored by the system who says me as a person has rights too.

But how can you fight for a system when the system rather fight you.

Ignored by the media who sees first hand where the verdict may fall.

And instead of speaking with common decency they say “well the video doesn’t tell it all”.

Ignored by the cops a.k.a worlds most dangerous crew.

Because right now the Blacks don’t look like the worlds most dangerous blue.

Me being a black man, gives me more reason to be scared to get slained by the blue.

They say follow the guidelines and you’ll be safe I say shiiiittttttttt.

How can I follow the guidelines when you keep changing the rules?

They scream…Hands up! I’m like nope don’t want to get gunned down.

I can’t have a bag of skittles without getting gunned down.

I can’t have a hair brush in my pocket, if you ask me for my ID, I can’t reach for my wallet.

I can’t sleep I can’t breathe I can’t be in my church or my crib.

I can’t be face down in the pavement with 4 cops on my back holding my hands, I can’t live!

I’m talking to the police who have it in their mind it’s open season to kill us down in the street.

I’m talking to the news who always have an excuse for them boys in blue, take a seat.

Is my own people going against my own people when all we need is unity.

My own people saying negative comments about my own people fighting for this community.

Is denouncing your race just because your shade made differ.

Because in they eyes, light medium or dark we all still…

Help,
No matter your race now is the time to speak.
All lives matter yes, but right now black lives is catching the heat.

The police need help, help with training or maybe a better course.

So they can learn the gun is not your first option and should be the last resort.

Help,
Because TV is going to paint us as the villains.

Say our reaction came with no cause to distract the world from the killings.

And I know You hearing our cries for help but instead of responding back.

You just sit and watch and wait for all of this to just pass.

But think, if you just stand up and say “This must stop, we gotta do better”.

We can stop the downpour and Prepare for the weather.

Think of the impact, if the police spoke to us ALL.

And said “those policed failed to do there job and will be punished by law”.

Think if a judge took a stance and said enough is enough!

And didn’t give light sentences only ones that were tough.

Think of right now, and the trends that we see.

And how the law may say it now but it’s clear we ain’t free.

Think fight
Not with guns, but with a voice that’s clear to speak

Think fight
Not with your hands but To wake people who are sleep.

Think fight
Not the physical but for the right to live free.

Think fight!

#BlackLivesMatter

Oh Dam n

Damn

I was hoping
Someone would get me.
Because I can’t Escape the Nightmare
That is Reality to me…
Even my Tears
for so long tried to Flee
the Trauma that is Inside Me.
Cold, Barren, Stagnant they became
Rising up as it Meets just Beneath the Surface
Of Another mind frame
Afraid to Let It Go So I close The Curtains
that Hold In the Universe
that is Internally Bleeding.
I’m Completley Submerged
like a Tide It continues to Rise up and Meet its Purpose
Ever Flowing Into The Verses
These Walls I build Higher,
Then Higher at the Notion.
But as I kept them Bottled up like the Message it held inside, At last tonight they succeed. They Race down my Face
Like waves in Steady Motion
It Craves Endless Devotion to rid the pressure like
I’m shaking like a Manic psychopath. They fled my heart daily. I fight to try hold back the Dam but Damn it it has reached new levels. The tide is much to high that it eclipses the sun. Know I should run but weak and broken are these bones.

Dam, oh Dam, oh Damn