BlackLivesMatter

I’m Frustrated!

Frustrated at the actions of the people who are suppose to protect.

Frustrated that right now my skin makes me a logical suspect.

Frustrated that it’s 2020 & there’s still White People who will view me as a threat.

Frustrated that it can be me, my dad, my sister, my mother or my kids that are next.

And please I apologize of the vulgar nature of my words.

But I’m frustrated at the fact this injustice still occurs.

I’m frustrated at the blind eye, the back and forth on my FB newsfeed timeline.

I’m frustrated that we yelling but still our voices never heard.

Ignored by the system who says me as a person has rights too.

But how can you fight for a system when the system rather fight you.

Ignored by the media who sees first hand where the verdict may fall.

And instead of speaking with common decency they say “well the video doesn’t tell it all”.

Ignored by the cops a.k.a worlds most dangerous crew.

Because right now the Blacks don’t look like the worlds most dangerous blue.

Me being a black man, gives me more reason to be scared to get slained by the blue.

They say follow the guidelines and you’ll be safe I say shiiiittttttttt.

How can I follow the guidelines when you keep changing the rules?

They scream…Hands up! I’m like nope don’t want to get gunned down.

I can’t have a bag of skittles without getting gunned down.

I can’t have a hair brush in my pocket, if you ask me for my ID, I can’t reach for my wallet.

I can’t sleep I can’t breathe I can’t be in my church or my crib.

I can’t be face down in the pavement with 4 cops on my back holding my hands, I can’t live!

I’m talking to the police who have it in their mind it’s open season to kill us down in the street.

I’m talking to the news who always have an excuse for them boys in blue, take a seat.

Is my own people going against my own people when all we need is unity.

My own people saying negative comments about my own people fighting for this community.

Is denouncing your race just because your shade made differ.

Because in they eyes, light medium or dark we all still…

Help,
No matter your race now is the time to speak.
All lives matter yes, but right now black lives is catching the heat.

The police need help, help with training or maybe a better course.

So they can learn the gun is not your first option and should be the last resort.

Help,
Because TV is going to paint us as the villains.

Say our reaction came with no cause to distract the world from the killings.

And I know You hearing our cries for help but instead of responding back.

You just sit and watch and wait for all of this to just pass.

But think, if you just stand up and say “This must stop, we gotta do better”.

We can stop the downpour and Prepare for the weather.

Think of the impact, if the police spoke to us ALL.

And said “those policed failed to do there job and will be punished by law”.

Think if a judge took a stance and said enough is enough!

And didn’t give light sentences only ones that were tough.

Think of right now, and the trends that we see.

And how the law may say it now but it’s clear we ain’t free.

Think fight
Not with guns, but with a voice that’s clear to speak

Think fight
Not with your hands but To wake people who are sleep.

Think fight
Not the physical but for the right to live free.

Think fight!

#BlackLivesMatter

Oh Dam n

Damn

I was hoping
Someone would get me.
Because I can’t Escape the Nightmare
That is Reality to me…
Even my Tears
for so long tried to Flee
the Trauma that is Inside Me.
Cold, Barren, Stagnant they became
Rising up as it Meets just Beneath the Surface
Of Another mind frame
Afraid to Let It Go So I close The Curtains
that Hold In the Universe
that is Internally Bleeding.
I’m Completley Submerged
like a Tide It continues to Rise up and Meet its Purpose
Ever Flowing Into The Verses
These Walls I build Higher,
Then Higher at the Notion.
But as I kept them Bottled up like the Message it held inside, At last tonight they succeed. They Race down my Face
Like waves in Steady Motion
It Craves Endless Devotion to rid the pressure like
I’m shaking like a Manic psychopath. They fled my heart daily. I fight to try hold back the Dam but Damn it it has reached new levels. The tide is much to high that it eclipses the sun. Know I should run but weak and broken are these bones.

Dam, oh Dam, oh Damn

Time and Time Again ⌚⏰⏱⌛️🕰…

Time and Time Again ⌚⏰⏱⌛️🕰…

Time is the continued progress of existence, past, present, and future as a whole
Achieving in an amount of time is goal
But don’t let time control you, time will only help joined with your working hand
Sometimes it’s better to hand it to time than planned
At the end of the day when all is done, you worked so hard to stay fun
But you lay in your bed going over what you did wrong
Know when to keep trying
But know when it’s enough, and let your life be a waiting game
Whatever came, will also come
Sometimes love is not enough, the run can be tough
Nothing is one-sided
But with time that will pass us
Maybe our timing will become right
And our mindsets will meet so things will be more light
Or time will show it wasn’t meant to be and I will find my way to a perfect right
You say you love my way with words
Why couldn’t I find the right words at the time
But now I write this and words flow beautifully out of this rhyme
When things are out of your control, remember time is on your side
When things aren’t going how you planned, remember you tried
Don’t forget how you felt that night when you accepted things for how it was and swore you were alright
That’s how you truly feel
Because now you sit here in the dark swearing everything is a mess and nothing is light
The what if’s and what could have been will consume your mind until you lose your sense of right now
Time doesn’t wait for any of us, notice what leaves and what life allows
Sometimes I feel crazy because I crave a sense of control
I found that sense to only drive away what I had as my goal
I need to work on being more calm and remembering some things are out of my control
You keep holding on in thought of how things use to be
But for now it’s not like that anymore, you don’t know who you see
Time has hurt but time has also healed
When I have done all I could do
I sit in my room crying for things to be over
But time is all that grew
Taking my pain with it too

⌚ ⏰⏱⌛️🕰

Suicide

SEPTEMBER 19, 2017 was my set date I planned to leave this earth. I was sick of crying, tired of trying, yes I was smiling but inside I was dying.

Sometimes, the most difficult and painful subjects need to be addressed head on. Failure to do so can result in loss of life occurring in such a way that the lives of others are altered forever. Yet, we still hesitate to bring up the subject, perhaps out of some understandable but misguided fear that the words alone might result in our greatest nightmare becoming a reality. Nonetheless, difficult as it is and truly frightening as it may be, there comes a time when a light needs to shine in those darkest corners where the fear often resides.


Framing suicide as a method to get attention paints those who are sick as manipulative, when in fact, they are simply really ill. In addition, even if a suicide attempt is a cry for help, it means they need help–so let’s help! My Depression and Bipolar overtook my mind to think lower of myself.


The despairing emotions that lays the groundwork for suicidal thoughts: Hopelessness, Helplessness, and Worthlessness. Hopelessness says, “Things will never get better. This will go on forever. Don’t even bother trying.” Helplessness is paralyzing: you see no control over your own life—things just keep happening to you that make you feel worse and worse. Worthlessness says, “And you’re a total failure of a human being. anyway. Your life is a waste.”

This unhappy trio shouts so loudly that any whispers of hope, efficacy, or worth get drowned out. Many individuals who commit suicide truly believe they are doing everyone around them a favor.


When I became clean and sober I wasn’t numbing these thoughts away. I wasn’t the “life” of the party anymore. I felt friends and family turned their backs on me.

SEPTEMBER 26, 2017 – A week later- I found out I was going to be a father. It’s funny how a week before I would’ve been a mourned Husband, Father, Son, Brother and Friend. I receive the help I need to continue to move forward. God wasn’t ready for me standing at the gates of heaven. Depression and Suicide can affect anyone. You Are Not Alone.

Thank You for those that Read this Post. It’s not about Me. It’s about being Aware. #Stigma

MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

Hi, I’m Charles.
I don’t thank my Bipolar.
For anything.
Not a single thing.
I acknowledge my illness, I understand it, I make my peace, but I don’t give my Bipolar any credit. That belongs to me.
With or without it I’m fabulous.
And my Mental illness can go fuck itself.


If I could take a pill that would cure me, I would snatch it right out of your hand and swallow it dry. Because my Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me special, it makes my life complicated. My Bipolar Disorder doesn’t make me brave. It’s not the source of my strength. It lingers under the surface of my consciousness, wheedling into my brain and poisoning how I feel about myself and how I experience the world.


I’m special, brave, strong, and talented without my illness. Bipolar Disorder isn’t a trial that I need to tackle in order to show the world I’m tough enough. I don’t need an illness to exaggerate my awesomeness. With an illness that mimics identity it can be hard to tell where Bipolar ends and I begin. The boundaries are never that distinct. But my Bipolar Disorder isn’t a badge. It’s a label, a diagnosis, a hefty, troublesome detail. My Bipolar doesn’t get to take a bow.

#MentalHealthAwarenessMonth

I AM CHARLES

I AM CHARLES

I am stronger than I think I am
I am my biggest critic
I am the worst writer
I am the worst singer
I am the worst nursing student
I am a horrible friend
I am a horrible father
I am my own destruction
I am my own murderer
I am my own Anxiety
I am my own problem
I am not worthy
I am a mess
I am a failure
I am this
But
I am okay
I am successful
I am organized
I am the most worthy
I am a solution
I am a fixed mental disorder
I am my savior
I am my own builder
I am a great father
I am a best friend
I am the best nursing student
I am an amazing singer
I am an astounding writer
I am my biggest critic
And
I am stronger than I think I am
I am whatever you say I am

I AM CHARLES

Park Bench

A Toast to a Park Bench

Everyone sees the Alcoholic
that is passed out on the same
park bench every morning, night, rain or shine,
even though some pretend that they don’t.

Most wrinkle their nose in disgust,
a few twist their faces in pity, but
they all agree that he must be drinking
to forget something terrible, but that
it doesn’t excuse the behavior they deem unseemly.

It’s only if you sit next to him at the bar late at night,
after he’s had just enough to loosen his tongue,
he’ll grab his wallet and pull out old photos with lovingly worn edges.
You’ll see the way his face lights up when he sees them and realize that
he’s just drinking to remember.

He drinks to remember the way his wife smiled and sang
under her breath in the kitchen an off-key version of an
old love song they danced to on their special wedding day.
Instead of gloomy hospital rooms and the
steady beep of monitors that slowed to painful silence.

He drinks to remember the way his daughter’s
eyes sparkled when he laughed and how
they would toss the ball around in the backyard
instead of a folded flag and the crack of gunfire
giving one final goodbye.

They say that all the drinking will kill him
but, when sobriety leaves him with nothing
except tombstones and an empty house,

that park bench has a certain appeal.